o/in 


California 
Irvine 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
IRVINE,  CALIFORNIA 


PS 


PQ1 


. 

California 

Irvine 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
IRVINE,  CALIFORNIA 


PS 


83 
P81 


JOHN    KKNURICK    BANGS 


THE   PURSUIT   OF 
THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

By    John    Kendrick    Bangs 


ILLUSTRATED 


NEW  YORK   AND   LONDON 

HARPER  &  BROTHERS  PUBLISHERS 
I  900 


BY   JOHN    KENDRICK    BANGS. 


A  RBKHI.I.IOUB  HEROINE.  A  Story.  Illustrated  l>y 
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NEW    YORK    AND    LONDON : 
HARPER   &    BROTHERS,  PUBLISHERS. 


Copyright,  1897,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 


TO 
A.  CONAN   DOYLE,  ESQ. 

WITH  THE  AUTHOR'S  SINCEREST  REGARDS  AND  THANKS 

FOR  THE  UNTIMELY  DEMISE  OF  HIS  GREAT  DETECTIVE 

WHICH  MADE  THESE  THINGS  POSSIBLE 


CONTENTS 


CHAP.  PAGE 

I.  THE  ASSOCIATED  SHADES  TAKE  ACTION  1 
II.  THE  STRANGER  UNRAVELS  A  MYSTERY 

AND  REVEALS  HIMSELF     ....  18 

III.  THE  SEARCH-PARTY  is  ORGANIZED    .  42 

IV.  ON  BOARD  THE  HOUSE-BOAT     ...  58 
V.  A  CONFERENCE  ON  DECK     ....  73 

VI.  A  CONFERENCE  BELOW-STAIRS      .     .    89 
VII.  THE  "GEHENNA"  is  CHARTERED.     .  105 
VIII.  ON  BOARD  THE  "GEHENNA."    .     .     .  121 
IX.  CAPTAIN  KIDD  MEETS  WITH  AN  OB 
STACLE     139 

X.  A  WARNING  ACCEPTED 157 

XI.  MAROONED 172 

XII.  THE  ESCAPE  AND  THE  END  .    .     .    .189 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


JOHN  KENDRICR  BANGS Frontispiece 

"  '  DR.  JOHNSON'S  POINT  is  WELL  TAKEN  '  "    .  Fatingp.    8 

"  '  WHAT  HAS  ALL  THIS  GOT  TO  DO  WITH 

THE  QUESTION  ?'  " "  10 

"POOR  OLD  BOSWELL  WAS  PUSHED  OVER 
BOARD"  "  22 

"THE  STRANGER  DREW  FORTH  A  BUNDLE  OP 

BUSINESS  CARDS" "  38 

"THREE  ROUSING  CHEERS,  LED  BY  HAMLET, 

WERE  GIVEN" "  42 

A  BLACK  PERSON  BY  THE  NAME  OF  FRIDAY 

FINDS  A  BOTTLE "  64 

MADAME  RECAMIER  HAS  A  PLAN     ....       "         66 

"  THE  HARD  FEATURES  OK  KIDD  WERE  THRUST 

THROUGH" "  70 

"'HERE'S  A  KETTLE  OF  FISH,'  SAID  KIDD"    .       "         74 

"  'EVERY  BLOOMIN'  MILLION  WAS  REPRESENT 
ED  BY  A  CERTIFIED  CHECK'"  ..."  84 

QUEEN  ELIZABETH  DESIRES  AN  AXE  AND  ONE 

HOUR  OF  HER  OLDEN  POWER  .  .  .  .  "  90 


Viii  ILLUSTRATIONS 

"'THE  COMMITTEE  ON  TREACHERY  is  READY 

TO  REPORT'" Facing  p.  102 

"  '  YOU  ARE  VERY  MUCH  MISTAKEN,  SIR 

WAITER'" "  108 

"  IN  THE  DEAD  OF  NIGHT  SHYLOCK  HAD 

STOLEN  UP  THE  GANG-PLANK  "...  "  118 

JUDGE  BLACKSTOSK  REFUSES  TO  CLIMB  TO 

THE  MIZZENTOP "  126 

SHEM  IN  THF,  LOOKOUT "       128 

CAPTAIN  KIDD  CONSENTS  TO  BE  CROSS  -  EX 
AMINED  BY  PORTIA "  148 

KIDD'S  COMPANIONS  ENDEAVORING  TO  RE 
STORE  EVAPORATED  PORTIONS  OF  1IIS 
ANATOMY  WITH  A  STEAM-ATOMIZER  .  "  154 

"'HE  TOLD  US  WE  WF.RE  GOING  TO  PARIS'"       "       160 

"  '  YOU  ARE  A  VERY  CLEAR  -  HEADED  YOUNG 

WOMAN,  LIZZIE,'  SAID  MRS.  NOAH  "  '  "  170 

"'THAT  OUGHT  TO  BE  A  LESSON  TO  YOU'"       "       178 

"THE  PIRATES  MADE  A  MAD  DASH  DOWN  THE 

ROUGH,  ROCKY  HILL-SIDE"  ....  "  180 

"  '  NOW,  MY  CHILD,'  SAID  MRS.  NOAH,  FIRMLY, 

'l  DO  NOT  WISH  ANY  WORDS1"  .  .  "  102 

"A  GREAT  HELPLESS  HULK  TEN  FEET  TO 

THE  HEAR" "  200 


THE  PURSUIT  OF  THE  HOUSE-BOAT 


THE   PURSUIT 

OF 

THE   HOUSE-BOAT 


THE   ASSOCIATED   SHADES  TAKE   ACTION 

THE  House -boat  of  the  Associated 
Shades,  formerly  located  upon  the  Eiver 
Styx,  as  the  reader  may  possibly  remem 
ber,  had  been  torn  from  its  moorings  and 
navigated  out  into  unknown  seas  by  that 
vengeful  pirate  Captain  Kidd,  aided  and 
abetted  by  some  of  the  most  ruffianly  in 
habitants  of  Hades.  Like  a  thief  in  the 
night  had  they  come,  and  for  no  better 
reason  than  that  the  Captain  had  been 
unanimously  voted  a  shade  too  shady  to 


<2  THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

associate  with  self-respecting  spirits  had 
they  made  off  with  the  happy  floating 
club-house  of  their  betters;  and  worst  of 
all,  with  them,  by  force  of  circumstances 
over  which  they  had  no  control,  had  sailed 
also  the  fair  Queen  Elizabeth,  the  spirited 
Xanthippe,  and  every  other  strong-minded 
and  beautiful  woman  of  Erebean  society, 
whereby  the  men  thereof  were  rendered 
desolate. 

"  I  can't  stand  it !"  cried  Ealeigh,  des 
perately,  as  with  his  accustomed  grace  he 
presided  over  a  special  meeting  of  the 
club,  called  on  the  bank  of  the  inky  Styg 
ian  stream,  at  the  point  where  the  miss 
ing  boat  had  been  moored.  "  Think  of  it, 
gentlemen,  Elizabeth  of  England,  Calpur- 
nia  of  Kome,  Ophelia  of  Denmark,  and 
every  precious  jewel  in  our  social  dia 
dem  gone,  vanished  completely;  and  with 
whom  ?  Kidd,  of  all  men  in  the  universe! 
Kidd,  the  pirate,  the  ruffian — " 

"  Don't  take  on  so,  my  dear  Sir  Walter," 
said  Socrates,  cheerfully.  "What's  the 
use  of  going  into  hysterics  ?  You  are  not 


THE  ASSOCIATED  SHADES  TAKE  ACTION   3 

a  woman,  and  should  eschew  that  luxury. 
Xanthippe  is  with  them,  and  I'll  warrant 
you  that  when  that  cherished  spouse  of 
mine  has  recovered  from  the  effects  of  the 
sea,  say  the  third  day  out,  Kidd  and  his 
crew  will  be  walking  the  plank,  and  vol 
untarily  at  that." 

' '  But  the  House-boat  itself,"  murmured 
Noah,  sadly.  "  That  was  my  delight.  It 
reminded  me  in  some  respects  of  the 
Ark." 

"The  law  of  compensation  enters  in 
there,  my  dear  Commodore,"  retorted  Soc 
rates.  "For  me,  with  Xanthippe  abroad 
I  do  not  need  a  club  to  go  to ;  I  can 
stay  at  home  and  take  my  hemlock  in 
peace  and  straight.  Xanthippe  always 
compelled  me  to  dilute  it  at  the  rate  of 
one  quart  of  water  to  the  finger." 

"  Well,  we  didn't  all  marry  Xanthippe," 
put  in  Cfesar,  firmly,  "therefore  we  are 
not  all  satisfied  with  the  situation.  I,  for 
one,  quite  agree  with  Sir  Walter  that 
something  must  be  done,  and  quickly. 
Are  we  to  sit  here  and  do  nothing,  allow- 


4  THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

ing  that  fiend  to  kidnap  our  wives  with 
impunity?" 

"Not  at  all,"  interposed  Bonaparte. 
"The  time  for  action  has  arrived.  All 
things  considered  he  is  welcome  to  Marie 
Louise,  but  the  idea  of  Josephine  going 
off  on  a  cruise  of  that  kind  breaks  my 
heart." 

"No  question  about  it,"  observed  Dr. 
Johnson.  "  We've  got  to  do  something 
if  it  is  only  for  the  sake  of  appearances. 
The  question  really  is,  what  shall  be  done 
first  ?" 

"I  am  in  favor  of  taking  a  drink  as 
the  first  step,  and  considering  the  matter 
of  further  action  afterwards,"  suggested 
Shakespeare,  and  it  was  this  suggestion 
that  made  the  members  unanimous  upon 
the  necessity  for  immediate  action,  for 
when  the  assembled  spirits  called  for  their 
various  favorite  beverages  it  was  found 
that  there  were  none  to  be  had,  it  being 
Sunday,  and  all  the  establishments  where 
in  liquid  refreshments  were  licensed  to  lie 
sold  being  closed — for  at  the  time  of  writ- 


THE    ASSOCIATED    SHADES    TAKE    ACTION       5 

ing  the  local  government  of  Hades  was  in 
the  hands  of  the  reform  party. 

"  What !"  cried  Socrates.  "  Nothing 
but  Styx  water  and  vitriol,  Sundays  ? 
Then  the  House-boat  must  be  recovered 
whether  Xanthippe  comes  with  it  or  not. 
Sir  Walter,  I  am  for  immediate  action, 
after  all.  This  ruffian  should  be  capt 
ured  at  once  and  made  an  example  of." 

"  Excuse  me,  Socrates,"  put  in  Lindley 
Murray,  "but,  ah — pray  speak  in  Greek 
hereafter,  will  you,  please  ?  When  you 
attempt  English  you  have  a  beastly  way 
of  working  up  to  climatic  prepositions 
Avhich  are  offensive  to  the  ear  of  a  purist." 

"  This  is  no  time  to  discuss  style,  Mur 
ray,"  interposed  Sir  Walter.  "Socrates 
may  speak  and  spell  like  Chaucer  if  he 
pleases ;  he  may  even  part  his  infinitives 
in  the  middle,  for  all  I  care.  We  have 
affairs  of  greater  moment  in  hand." 

"We  must  ransack  the  earth,"  cried 
Socrates,  "  until  we  find  that  boat.  Fm 
dry  as  a  fish." 

"  There  he  goes  again!"  growled  Mur- 


6      THE  PURSUIT  OF  THE  HOUSE-BOAT 

ray.  "  Dry  as  a  fish!  What  fish  I'd  like 
to  know  is  dr}7?" 

"  Red  herrings,"  retorted  Socrates;  and 
there  was  a  great  laugh  at  the  expense  of 
the  purist,  in  which  even  Hamlet,  who 
had  grown  more  and  more  melancholy  and 
morbid  since  the  abduction  of  Ophelia, 
joined. 

"  Then  it  is  settled/'  said  Raleigh ; 
"  something  must  be  done.  And  now  the 
point  is,  what?" 

"Relief  expeditions  have  a  way  of  find 
ing  things,"  suggested  Dr.  Livingstone. 
"  Or  rather  of  being  found  by  the  things 
they  go  out  to  relieve.  I  propose  that  we 
send  out  a  number  of  them.  I  will  take 
Africa;  Bonaparte  can  lead  an  expedition 
into  Europe;  General  Washington  may 
have  North  America ;  and — 

"I  beg  pardon,"  put  in  Dr.  Johnson, 
"but  have  you  any  idea,  Dr.  Livingstone, 
that  Captain  Kidd  has  put  wheels  on  this 
House -boat  of  ours  and  is  having  it 
dragged  across  the  Sahara  by  mules  or 
camels  ?" 


THE    ASSOCIATED    SHADES    TAKE    ACTION        7 

"  No  such  absurd  idea  ever  entered  my 
head/'  retorted  the  Doctor. 

"  Do  you  then  believe  that  he  has  put 
runners  on  it,  and  is  engaged  in  the 
pleasurable  pastime  of  taking  the  ladies 
tobogganing  down  the  Alps  ?"  persisted 
the  philosopher. 

"Not  at  all.  Why  do  you  ask?"  que 
ried  the  African  explorer,  irritably. 

"Because  I  wish  to  know,"  said  John- 
sou.  "That  is  always  my  motive  in  ask 
ing  questions.  You  propose  to  go  look 
ing  for  a  house -boat  in  Central  Africa; 
you  suggest  that  Bonaparte  lead  an  ex 
pedition  in  search  of  it  through  Europe 
— all  of  which  strikes  me  as  nonsense. 
This  search  is  the  work  of  sea-dogs,  not 
of  landlubbers.  You  might  as  well  ask 
Confucius  to  look  for  it  in  the  heart  of 
China.  What  earthly  use  there  is  in  ran 
sacking  the  earth  I  fail  to  see.  What  we 
need  is  a  naval  expedition  to  scour  the 
sea,  unless  it  is  pretty  well  understood  in 
advance  that  we  believe  Kidd  has  hauled 
the  boat  out  of  the  water,  and  is  now 


8  THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

using  it  for  a  roller-skating  rink  or  a  bi 
cycle  academy  in  Ohio,  or  for  some  other 
purpose  for  which  neither  he  nor  it  was 
designed." 

".Dr.  Johnson's  point  is  well  taken," 
said  a  stranger  who  had  been  sitting  upon 
the  string-piece  of  the  pier,  quietly,  but 
with  very  evident  interest,  listening  to 
the  discussion.  He  was  a  tall  and  exces 
sively  slender  shade,  "  like  a  spirt  of  steam 
out  of  a  teapot,"  as  Johnson  put  it  after 
wards,  so  slight  he  seemed.  "  I  have  not 
the  honor  of  being  a  member  of  this  as 
sociation,"  the  stranger  continued,  "but, 
like  all  well  -  ordered  shades,  I  aspire  to 
the  distinction,  and  I  hold  myself  and  my 
talents  at  the  disposal  of  this  club.  I 
fancy  it  will  not  take  us  long  to  establish 
our  initial  point,  which  is  that  the  gross 
person  who  has  so  foully  appropriated 
your  property  to  his  own  base  uses  does 
not  contemplate  removing  it  from  its  keel 
and  placing  it  somewhere  inland.  All 
the  evidence  in  hand  points  to  a  radically 
different  conclusion,  which  is  my  sole  rea- 


THE    ASSOCIATED    SHADES    TAKE    ACTION       9 

son  for  doubting  the  value  of  that  con 
clusion.  Captain  Kidd  is  a  seafarer  by 
instinct,,  not  a  landsman.  The  House 
boat  is  not  a  house,  but  a  boat;  therefore 
the  place  to  look  for  it  is  not,  as  Dr.  John 
son  so  well  says,  in  the  Sahara  Desert,  or 
on  the  Alps,  or  in  the  State  of  Ohio,  but 
upon  the  high  sea,  or  upon  the  water 
front  of  some  one  of  the  world's  great 
cities." 

"  And  what,  then,  would  be  your  plan?" 
asked  Sir  Walter,  impressed  by  the  stran 
ger's  manner  as  well  as  by  the  very  mani 
fest  reason  in  all  that  he  had  said. 

"The  chartering  of  a  suitable  vessel, 
fully  armed  and  equipped  for  the  purpose 
of  pursuit.  Ascertain  whither  the  House 
boat  has  sailed,  for  what  port,  and  start 
at  once.  Have  you  a  model  of  the  House 
boat  within  reach?"  returned  the  stran 
ger. 

"I  think  not;  we  have  the  architect's 
plans,  however,"  said  the  chairman. 

"  We  had,  Mr.  Chairman,"  said  Demos 
thenes,  who  was  secretary  of  the  House 


10  THE    PURSUIT    OF  THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

Committee,  rising,  "but  they  are  gone 
with  the  House -boat  itself.  They  were 
kept  in  the  safe  in  the  hold." 

A  look  of  annoyance  came  into  the  face 
of  the  stranger. 

"  That's  too  bad,"  he  said.  "  It  was  a 
most  important  part  of  my  plan  that  we 
should  know  about  how  fast  the  House 
boat  was." 

"Humph!"  ejaculated  Socrates,  with 
ill  -  concealed  sarcasm.  "  If  you'll  take 
Xanthippe's  word  for  it,  the  House-boat 
was  the  fastest  yacht  afloat." 

"  I  refer  to  the  matter  of  speed  in 
sailing,"  returned  the  stranger,  quietly. 
"The  question  of  its  ethical  speed  has 
nothing  to  do  with  it." 

"  The  designer  of  the  craft  is  here," 
said  Sir  Walter,  fixing  his  eyes  upon  Sir 
Christopher  Wren.  "It  is  possible  that 
he  may  be  of  assistance  in  settling  that 
point." 

"What  has  all  this  got  to  do  with  the 
question,  anyhow,  Mr.  Chairman?"  asked 
Solomon,  rising  impatiently  and  address- 


WHAT    HAS    ALL    THIS    GOT    TO    DO    WITH    THK    QUESTION  ?'  " 


THE    ASSOCIATED    SHADES    TAKE    ACTION     11 

ing  Sir  Walter.  "We  aren't  preparing 
for  a  yacht -race  that  I  know  of.  No 
body's  after  a  cup,  or  a  championship  of 
any  kind.  What  we  do  want  is  to  get  our 
wives  back.  The  Captain  hasn't  taken 
more  than  half  of  mine  along  with  him, 
but  I  am  interested  none  the  less.  The 
Queen  of  Sheba  is  on  board,  and  I  am 
somewhat  interested  in  her  fate.  So  I 
ask  you  what  earthly  or  unearthly  use 
there  is  in  discussing  this  question  of 
speed  in  the  House-boat.  It  strikes  me 
as  a  woful  waste  of  time,  and  rather  un 
precedented  too,  that  we  should  suspend 
all  rules  and  listen  to  the  talk  of  an  entire 
stranger. " 

"  I  do  not  venture  to  doubt  the  wisdom 
of  Solomon/'  said  Johnson,  dryly,  "but 
I  must  say  that  the  gentleman's  remarks 
rather  interest  me." 

"  Of  course  they  do,"  ejaculated  Solo 
mon.  "  He  agreed  with  you.  That 
ought  to  make  him  interesting  to  every 
body.  Freaks  usually  are." 

"That  is  not  the  reason  at  all,"  retort- 


12  THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

ed  Dr.  Johnson.  "  Cold  water  agrees 
with  me,  but  it  doesn't  interest  me. 
What  I  do  think,  however,  is  that  our  un 
known  friend  seems  to  have  a  grasp  on  the 
situation  by  which  we  are  confronted,  and 
he's  going  at  the  matter  in  hand  in  a  very 
comprehensive  fashion.  I  move,  there 
fore,  that  Solomon  be  laid  on  the  table, 
and  that  the  privileges  of  the — ah — of 
the  wharf  be  extended  indefinitely  to  our 
friend  on  the  string-piece." 

The  motion,  having  been  seconded,  was 
duly  carried,  and  the  stranger  resumed. 

"I  will  explain  for  the  benefit  of  his 
Majesty  King  Solomon,  whose  wisdom  I 
have  always  admired,  and  whose  endur 
ance  as  the  husband  of  three  hundred 
wives  has  filled  me  with  wonder,"  he  said, 
"that  before  starting  in  pursuit  of  the 
stolen  vessel  we  must  select  a  craft  of 
some  sort  for  the  purpose,  and  that  in 
selecting  the  pursuer  it  is  quite  essential 
that  we  should  choose  a  vessel  of  greater 
speed  than  the  one  we  desire  to  overtake. 
It  would  hardly  be  proper,  I  think,  if  the 


THE    ASSOCIATED    SHADES    TAKE    ACTION     13 

House-boat  can  sail  four  knots  an  hour, 
to  attempt  to  overhaul  her  with  a  launch, 
or  other  nautical  craft,  with  a  maximum 
speed  of  two  knots  an  hour." 

"  Hear  !  hear  !"  ejaculated  Caesar. 

"That  is  my  reason,  your  Majesty,  for 
inquiring  as  to  the  speed  of  your  late 
club  -  house,"  said  the  stranger,  bowing 
courteously  to  Solomon.  "Now  if  Sir 
Christopher  Wren  can  give  me  her  meas 
urements,  we  can  very  soon  determine  at 
about  what  rate  she  is  leaving  us  behind 
under  favorable  circumstances." 

"  'Tisn't  necessary  for  Sir  Christopher 
to  do  anything  of  the  sort,"  said  Noah, 
rising  and  manifesting  somewhat  more 
heat  than  the  occasion  seemed  to  re 
quire.  "As  long  as  we  are  discussing 
the  question  I  will  take  the  liberty  of  stat 
ing  what  I  have  never  mentioned  before, 
that  the  designer  of  the  House  -  boat 
merely  appropriated  the  lines  of  the  Ark. 
Shem,  Ham,  and  Japhet  will  bear  testi 
mony  to  the  truth  of  that  statement." 

"  There  can  be  no  quarrel  on  that  score, 


14          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

Mr.  Chairman, "assented  Sir  Christopher, 
with  cutting  frigidity.  "  I  am  perfectly 
willing  to  admit  that  practically  the  two 
vessels  were  built  on  the  same  line?:,  but 
with  modifications  which  would  enable  my 
boat  to  sail  twenty  miles  to  windward  and 
back  in  six  days  less  time  than  it  would 
have  taken  the  Ark  to  cover  the  same  dis-  • 
tance,  and  it  could  have  taken  all  the 
wash  of  the  excursion  steamers  into  the 
bargain." 

"  Bosh !"  ejaculated  Noah,  angrily. 
"  Strip  your  old  tub  down  to  a  flying  bal 
loon-jib  and  a  marline-spike,  and  ballast 
the  Ark  with  elephants  until  every  inch 
of  her  reeked  with  ivory  and  peanuts,  and 
she'd  outfoot  you  on  every  leg,  in  a  cy 
clone  or  a  zephyr.  Give  me  the  Ark  and 
a  breeze,  and  your  House-boat  wouldn't 
be  within  hailing  distance  of  her  five  min 
utes  after  the  start  if  she  had  40,000 
square  yards  of  canvas  spread  before  a 
gale." 

"This  discussion  is  waxing  very  un 
profitable,"  observed  Confucius.  "If 


THE    ASSOCIATED    SHADES    TAKE    ACTION     15 

these  gentlemen  cannot  be  made  to  con 
fine  themselves  to  the  subject  that  is  agi 
tating  this  body,  I  move  we  call  in  the 
authorities  and  have  them  confined  in  the 
bottomless  pit." 

"  I  did  not  precipitate  the  quarrel/' 
said  Noah.  "I  was  merely  trying  to  as 
sist  our  friend  on  the  string-piece.  I  was 
going  to  say  that  as  the  Ark  was  probably 
a  hundred  times  faster  than  Sir  Christo 
pher  Wren's — tub,  which  he  himself  says 
can  take  care  of  all  the  wash  of  the  excur 
sion  boats,  thereby  becoming  on  his  own 
admission  a  wash-tub — 

"Order!  order!"  cried  Sir  Christo 
pher. 

"  I  was  going  to  say  that  this  wash-tub 
could  be  overhauled  by  a  launch  or  any 
other  craft  with  a  speed  of  thirty  knots 
a  month,"  continued  Noah,  ignoring  the 
interruption. 

"  Took  him  forty  days  to  get  to  Mount 
Ararat!"  sneered  Sir  Christopher. 

"  Well,  your  boat  would  have  got  there 
two  weeks  sooner,  I'll  admit,"  retorted 


16  THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

Noah,  "  if  she'd  sprung  a  leak  at  the  right 
time." 

"Granting  the  truth  of  Noah's  state 
ment,"  said  Sir  Walter,  motioning  to  the 
angry  architect  to  be  quiet — "not  that 
we  take  any  side  in  the  issue  between  the 
two  gentlemen,  but  merely  for  the  sake  of 
argument — I  wish  to  ask  the  stranger  who 
has  been  good  enough  to  interest  himself 
in  our  trouble  what  he  proposes  to  do — 
how  can  you  establish  your  course  in  case 
a  boat  were  provided?" 

"  Also  vot  vill  be  dher  gost,  if  any  ?" 
put  in  Shylock. 

A  murmur  of  disapprobation  greeted 
this  remark. 

"The  cost  need  not  trouble  you,  sir," 
said  Sir  Walter,  indignantly,  addressing 
the  stranger;  "you  will  have  carte 
blanche." 

"  Den  ve  are  ruint !"  cried  Shylock, 
displaying  his  palms,  and  showing  by 
that  act  a  select  assortment  of  diamond 
rings. 

"Oh,"  laughed  the  stranger,  "that  is  a 


THE    ASSOCIATED    SHADES    TAKE    ACTION     1Y 

simple  matter.     Captain  Kidd  has  gone  to 
London." 

"  To  London !"  cried  several  members 
at  once.  "  How  do  you  know  that  ?" 

"By  this,"  said  the  stranger,  holding 
up  the  tiny  stub  end  of  a  cigar. 

"  Tut-tut!"  ejaculated  Solomon.  "What 
child's  play  this  is  !" 

"No,  your  Majesty,"  observed  the 
stranger,  "  it  is  not  child's  play;  it  is  fact. 
That  cigar  end  was  thrown  aside  here  on 
the  wharf  by  Captain  Kidd  just  before  he 
stepped  on  board  the  House-boat." 

"How  do  you  know  that?"  demanded 
Raleigh.  "  And  granting  the  truth  of  the 
assertion,  what  does  it  prove?" 

"I  will  tell  you/"  said  the  stranger. 
And  he  at  once  proceeded  as  follows. 


n 


THE     STRANGER     UNRAVELS    A     MYSTERY 
AND    REVEALS    HIMSELF 

"  I  HAVE  made  a  hobby  of  the  study  of 
cigar  ends,"  said  the  stranger,  as  the  As 
sociated  Shades  settled  back  to  hear  his 
account  of  himself.  "  From  my  earliest 
youth,  when  I  used  surreptitiously  to  re 
move  the  unsmoked  ends  of  my  father's 
cigars  and  break  them  up,  and,  in  hiding, 
smoke  them  in  an  old  clay  pipe  which  I 
had  presented  to  me  by  an  ancient  sea-cap 
tain  of  my  acquaintance,  I  have  been  in 
terested  in  tobacco  in  all  forms,  even  in 
cluding  these  self-same  despised  unsmoked 
ends;  for  they  convey  to  my  mind  mes 
sages,  sentiments,  farces,  comedies,  and 
tragedies  which  to  your  minds  .would  never 
become  manifest  through  their  agency." 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF  19 

The  company  drew  closer  together  and 
formed  themselves  in  a  more  compact 
mass  about  the  speaker.  It  was  evident 
that  they  were  beginning  to  feel  an  unu^ 
sual  interest  in  this  extraordinary  person, 
who  had  come  among  them  unheralded  and 
unknown.  Even  Shylock  stopped  calcu 
lating  percentages  for  an  instant  to  listen. 

1 '  Do  you  mean  to  tell  us,"  demanded 
Shakespeare,  "that  the  unsmoked  stub 
of  a  cigar  will  suggest  the  story  of  him 
who  smoked  it  to  your  mind?" 

"  I  do/'  replied  the  stranger,  with  a  con 
fident  smile.  "  Take  this  one,  for  in 
stance,  that  I  have  picked  up  here  upon 
the  wharf;  it  tells  me  the  whole  story  of 
the  intentions  of  Captain  Kidd  at  the  mo 
ment  when,  in  utter  disregard  of  your 
rights,  he  stepped  aboard  your  House 
boat,  and,  in  his  usual  piratical  fashion, 
made  off  with  it  into  unknown  seas." 

"  But  how  do  you  know  he  smoked  it?" 
asked  Solomon,  who  deemed  it  the  part 
of  wisdom  to  be  suspicious  of  the  stranger. 

"  There  are  two  curious  indentations  in 


20          THE    PURSUIT    OF  THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

it  which  prove  that.  The  marks  of  two 
teeth,  with  a  hiatus  between,  which  you 
will  see  if  you  look  closely,"  said  the 
stranger,  handing  the  small  bit  of  tobacco 
to  Sir  Walter,  "  make  that  point  evident 
beyond  peradventure.  The  Captain  lost 
an  eye-tooth  in  one  of  his  later  raids;  it 
was  knocked  out  by  a  marline-spike  which 
had  been  hurled  at  him  by  one  of  the 
crew  of  the  treasure-ship  he  and  his  fol 
lowers  had  attacked.  The  adjacent  teeth 
were  broken,  but  not  removed.  The  ci 
gar  end  bears  the  marks  of  those  two  jag 
ged  molars,  with  the  hiatus,  which,  as  I 
have  indicated,  is  due  to  the  destruction 
of  the  eye-tooth  between  them.  It  is  not 
likely  that  there  was  another  man  in  the 
pirate's  crew  with  teeth  exactly  like  the 
commander's,  therefore  I  say  there  can  be 
no  doubt  that  the  cigar  end  was  that  of 
the  Captain  himself." 

"Very  interesting  indeed,"  observed 
Blackstone,  removing  his  wig  and  fanning 
himself  with  it ;  "  but  I  must  confess,  Mr. 
Chairman,  that  in  any  properly  consti- 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF  21 

tnted  law  court  this  evidence  would  long 
since  have  been  ruled  out  as  irrelevant 
and  absurd.  The  idea  of  two  or  three 
hundred  dignified  spirits  like  ourselves, 
gathered  together  to  devise  a  means  for 
the  recovery  of  our  property  and  the  res 
cue  of  our  wives,  yielding  the  floor  to  the 
delivering  of  a  lecture  by  an  entire  stran 
ger  on  '  Cigar  Ends  He  Has  Met,'  strikes 
me  as  ridiculous  in  the  extreme.  Of  what 
earthly  interest  is  it  to  us  to  know  that 
this  or  that  cigar  was  smoked  by  Captain 
Kidd?" 

"  Merely  that  it  will  help  us  on,  your 
honor,  to  discover  the  whereabouts  of 
the  said  Kidd,"  interposed  the  stranger. 
"It  is  by  trifles,  seeming  trifles,  that  the 
greatest  detective  work  is  done.  My 
friends  Le  Coq,  Hawkshaw,  and  Old 
Sleuth  will  bear  me  out  in  this,  I  think, 
however  much  in  other  respects  our  meth 
ods  may  have  differed.  They  left  no 
stone  unturned  in  the  pursuit  of  a  crim 
inal  ;  no  detail,  however  trifling,  uncared 
for.  No  more  should  we  in  the  present 


22          THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

instance  overlook  the  minutest  bit  of  evi 
dence,  however  irrelevant  and  absurd  at 
first  blush  it  may  appear  to  be.  The 
truth  of  what  I  say  was  very  effectually 
proven  in  the  strange  case  of  the  Broke- 
dale  tiara,  in  which  I  figured  somewhat 
conspicuously,  but  which  I  have  never 
made  public,  because  it  involves  a  secret 
affecting  the  integrity  of  one  of  the  no 
blest  families  in  the  British  Empire.  1 
really  believe  that  mystery  was  solved 
easily  and  at  once  because  I  happened  to 
remember  that  the  number  of  my  watch 
was  86507B.  How  trivial  a  thing,  and 
yet  how  important  it  was,  as  the  event 
transpired,  you  will  realize  when  I  tell  you 
the  incident." 

The  stranger's  manner  was  so  impres 
sive  that  there  was  a  unanimous  and  sim 
ultaneous  movement  upon  the  part  of  all 
present  to  get  up  closer,  so  as  the  more 
readily  to  hear  what  he  said,  as  a  result  of 
which  poor  old  Boswell  was  pushed  over 
board,  and  fell  with  a  loud  splash  into  the 
Styx.  Fortunately,  however,  one  of  Oha- 


'POOR    OLD    BOSWKLL    WAS    PUSHED    OVEKBOAKD  " 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF          23 

ron's  pleasure  -  boats  was  close  at  hand, 
and  in  a  short  while  the  dripping,  sputter 
ing  spirit  was  drawn  into  it,  wrung  out, 
and  sent  home  to  dry.  The  excitement 
attending  this  diversion  having  subsided, 
Solomon  asked : 

"What  was  the  incident  of  the  lost 
tiara  ?" 

"I  am  about  to  tell  you,"  returned  the 
stranger;  "and  it  must  be  understood 
that  you  are  told  in  the  strictest  confi 
dence,  for,  as  I  say,  the  incident  involves 
a  state  secret  of  great  magnitude.  In 
life — in  the  mortal  life — gentlemen,  I  was 
a  detective  by  profession,  and,  if  I  do  say 
it,  who  perhaps  should  not,  I  was  one  of 
the  most  interesting  for  purely  literary 
purposes  that  has  ever  been  known.  I  did 
not  find  it  necessary  to  go  about  saying 
'  Ha  !  ha  !'  as  M.  Le  Coq  was  accustomed 
to  do  to  advertise  his  cleverness ;  neither 
did  I  disguise  myself  as  a  drum-major  and 
hide  under  a  kitchen-table  for  the  pur 
pose  of  solving  a  mystery  involving  the 
abduction  of  a  parlor  stove,  after  the  man- 


24          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-HOAT 

ner  of  the  talented  Hawkshaw.  By  men 
tal  concentration  alone,  without  fireworks 
or  orchestral  accompaniment  of  any  sort 
whatsoever,  did  I  go  about  my  business, 
and  for  that  very  reason  many  of  my 
fellow  -  sleuths  were  forced  to  go  out  of 
real  detective  work  into  that  line  of  the 
business  with  which  the  stage  has  famil 
iarized  the  most  of  us — a  line  in  which 
nothing  but  stupidity,  luck,  and  a  yellow 
wig  is  required  of  him  who  pursues  it." 

"This  man  is  an  impostor,"  whispered 
Le  Coq  to  Hawkshaw. 

"  Fve  known  that  all  along  by  the  mole 
on  his  left  wrist,"  returned  Hawkshaw, 
contemptuously. 

"  I  suspected  it  the  minute  I  saw  he  was 
not  disguised,"  returned  Le  Coq,  know 
ingly.  "I  have  observed  that  the  great 
est  villains  latterly  have  discarded  dis 
guises,  as  being  too  easily  penetrated,  and 
therefore  of  no  avail,  and  merely  a  useless 
expense." 

"Silence  !"  cried  Confucius,  impatient 
ly.  "How  can  the  gentleman  proceed, 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF  25 

with  all  this  conversation  going  on  in  the 
rear  ?" 

Hawkshaw  and  Le  Coq  immediately 
subsided,  and  the  stranger  went  on. 

"  It  was  in  this  way  that  I  treated  the 
strange  case  of  the  lost  tiara,"  resumed  the 
stranger.  "Mental  concentration  upon 
seemingly  insignificant  details  alone  en 
abled  me  to  bring  about  the  desired  re 
sults  in  that  instance.  A  brief  outline  of 
the  case  is  as  follows  :  It  was  late  one 
evening  in  the  early  spring  of  1894.  The 
London  season  was  at  its  height.  Dances, 
fetes  of  all  kinds,  opera,  and  the  theatres 
were  in  full  blast,  when  all  of  a  sudden 
society  was  paralyzed  by  a  most  audacious 
robbery.  A  diamond  tiara  valued  at  £50,- 
000  sterling  had  been  stolen  from  the  Duch 
ess  of  Brokedale,  and  under  circumstances 
which  threw  society  itself  and  every  indi 
vidual  in  it  under  suspicion  —  even  his 
Royal  Highness  the  Prince  himself,  for  he 
had  danced  frequently  with  the  Duchess, 
and  was  known  to  be  a  great  admirer  of 
her  tiara.  It  was  at  half  -  past  eleven 


2f>          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

o'clock  at  night  that  the  news  of  the  rob 
bery  first  came  to  my  ears.  I  had  been 
spending  the  evening  alone  in  my  library 
making  notes  for  a  second  volume  of  my 
memoirs,  and,  feeling  somewhat  depressed, 
I  was  on  the.  point  of  going  out  for  my 
usual  midnight  walk  on  Hampstead  Heath, 
when  .one  of  my  servants,  hastily  enter 
ing,  informed  me  of  the  robbery.  I 
changed  my  mind  in  respect  to  my  mid 
night  walk  immediately  upon  receipt  of 
the  news,  for  I  knew  that  before  one 
o'clock  some  one  would  call  upon  me  at 
my  lodgings  with  reference  to  this  rob 
bery.  It  could  not  be  otherwise.  Any 
mystery  of  such  magnitude  could  no  more 
be  taken  to  another  bureau  than  elephants 
could  fly—" 

"  They  used  to,"  said  Adam.  "  I  once 
had  a  whole  aviary  full  of  winged  ele 
phants.  They  flew  from  flower  to  flow 
er,  and  thrusting  their  probabilities  deep 
into—" 

"  Their  what?"  queried  Johnson,  with  a 
frown. 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF  27 

"Probabilities  —  isn't  that  the  word? 
Their  trunks,"  said  Adam. 

"Probosces,  I  imagine  yon  mean,"  sug 
gested  Johnson. 

"Yes — that  was  it.  Their  probosces," 
said  Adam.  "  They  were  great  honey- 
gatherers,  those  elephants — far  better  than 
the  bees,  because  they  could  make  so  much 
more  of  it  in  a  given  time." 

Munchausen  shook  his  head  sadly. 
"  I'm  afraid  I'm  outclassed  by  these  ante 
diluvians,"  he  said. 

"  Gentlemen  !  gentlemen  !"  cried  Sir 
Walter.  "These  interruptions  are  inex 
cusable  !" 

"  That's  what  I  think,"  said  the  stran 
ger,  with  some  asperity.  "  I'm  having 
about  as  hard  a  time  getting  this  story 
out  as  I  would  if  it  were  a  serial.  Of 
course,  if  you  gentlemen  do  not  wish  to 
hear  it,  I  can  stop ;  but  it  must  be 
understood  that  when  I  do  stop  I  stop 
finally,  once  and  for  all,  because  the 
tale  has  not  a  sufficiency  of  dramatic 
climaxes  to  warrant  its  prolongation  over 


28  THE    PURSUIT    OF  THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

the  usual  magazine  period  of  twelve 
months." 

"  Go  on  !  go  on  !"  cried  some. 

"Shut  up!"  cried  others — addressing 
the  interrupting  members,  of  course. 

"As  I  was  saying,"  resumed  the  stran 
ger,  "  I  felt  confident  that  within  an  hour, 
in  some  way  or  other,  that  case  would  be 
placed  in  rny  hands.  It  would  be  mine 
either  positively  or  negatively — that  is  to 
say,  either  the  person  robbed  would  em 
ploy  me  to  ferret  out  the  mystery  and 
recover  the  diamonds,  or  the  robber  him 
self,  actuated  by  motives  of  self-preserva 
tion,  would  endeavor  to  direct  my  ener 
gies  into  other  channels  until  he  should 
have  the  time  to  dispose  of  his  ill-gotten 
booty.  A  mental  discussion  of  the  proba 
bilities  inclined  me  to  believe  that  the 
latter  would  be  the  case.  I  reasoned  in 
this  fashion  :  The  person  robbed  is  of  ex 
alted  rank.  She  cannot  move  rapidly  be 
cause  she  is  so.  Great  bodies  move  slow 
ly.  It  is  probable  that  it  will  be  a  week 
before,  according  to  the  etiquette  by 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF          29 

which  she  is  hedged  about,  she  can  com 
municate  with  me.  In  the  first  place,  she 
must  inform  one  of  her  attendants  that  she 
has  been  robbed.  He  must  communicate 
the  news  to  the  functionary  in  charge  of 
her  residence,  who  will  communicate  with 
the  Home  Secretary,  and  from  him  will 
issue  the  orders  to  the  police,  who,  baffled 
at  every  step,  will  finally  address  them 
selves  to  me.  '  I'll  give  that  side  two 
weeks,'  I  said.  On  the  other  hand,  the 
robber  :  will  he  allow  himself  to  be  lulled 
into  a  false  sense  of  security  by  counting 
on  this  delay,  or  will  he  not,  noting  my 
habit  of  occasionally  entering  upon  detec 
tive  enterprises  of  this  nature  of  my  own 
volition,  come  to  me  at  once  and  set  me 
to  work  ferreting  out  some  crime  that  has 
never  been  committed  ?  My  feeling  was 
that  this  would  happen,  and  I  pulled  out 
my  watch  to  see  if  it  were  not  nearly  time 
for  him  to  arrive.  The  robbery  had  taken 
place  at  a  state  ball  at  the  Buckingham 
Palace.  '  H'm  !'  I  mused.  '  He  has  had 
an  hour  and  forty  minutes  to  get  here. 


30          THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

It  is  now  twelve  twenty.  He  should  be 
here  by  twelve  forty-five.  I  will  wait.' 
And  hastily  swallowing  a  cocaine  tablet 
to  nerve  myself  up  for  the  meeting,  I  sat 
down  and  began  to  read  my  Schopen 
hauer.  Hardly  had  I  perused  a  page 
when  there  came  a  tap  upon  my  door.  I 
rose  with  a  smile,  for  I  thought  I  knew 
what  was  to  happen,  opened  the  door,  and 
there  stood,  much  to  my  surprise,  the 
husband  of  the  lady  whose  tiara  was  miss 
ing.  It  was  the  Duke  of  Brokedale  him 
self.  It  is  true  he  was  disguised.  His 
beard  was  powdered  until  it  looked  like 
snow,  and  he  wore  a  wig  and  a  pair  of 
green  goggles ;  but  I  recognized  him  at 
once  by  his  lack  of  manners,  which  is 
an  unmistakable  sign  of  nobility.  As  I 
opened  the  door,  he  began  : 

"  '  You  are  Mr.—' 

"'I  am/ I  replied.  'Come  in.  You 
have  come  to  see  me  about  your  stolen 
watch.  It  is  a  gold  hunting-case  watch 
with  a  Swiss  movement ;  loses  five  min 
utes  a  day ;  stem-winder ;  and  the  back 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF          31 

cover,  which  does  not  bear  any  inscrip 
tion,  has  npon  it  the  indentations  made 
by  the  molars  of  yonr  son  Willie  when  that 
interesting  youth  was  cutting  his  teeth 
upon  it."; 

"  Wonderful !"  cried  Johnson. 

"  May  I  ask  how  you  knew  all  that  ?" 
asked  Solomon,  deeply  impressed.  "  Such 
penetration  strikes  me  as  marvellous." 

"I  didn't  know  it,"  replied  the  stran 
ger,  with  a  smile.  "  What  I  said  was  in 
tended  to  be  jocular,  and  to  put  Broke- 
dale  at  his  ease.  The  Americans  present, 
with  their  usual  astuteness,  would  term  it 
bluff.  It  was.  T  merely  rattled  on.  I 
simply  did  not  wish  to  offend  the  gentle 
man  by  letting  him  know  that  I  had  pen 
etrated  his  disguise.  Imagine  my  sur 
prise,  however,  when  his  eye  brightened 
as  I  spoke,  and  he  entered  my  room  with 
such  alacrity  that  half  the  powder  which 
he  thought  disguised  his  beard  was  shak 
en  off  on  to  the  floor.  Sitting  down 
in  the  chair  I  had  just  vacated,  he  quietly 
remarked  : 


32  THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"  '  You  are  a  wonderful  man,  sir.  How 
did  you  know  that  I  had  lost  my  watch  ?' 

"  For  a  moment  I  was  nonplussed ; 
more  than  that,  I  was  completely  stag 
gered.  I  had  expected  him  to  say  at  once 
that  he  had  not  lost  his  watch,  but  had 
come  to  see  me  about  the  tiara ;  and  to 
have  him  take  my  words  seriously  was 
entirely  unexpected  and  overwhelmingly 
surprising.  However,  in  view  of  his  rank, 
I  deemed  it  well  to  fall  in  with  his  humor. 
1  Oh,  as  for  that/'  I  replied,  '  that  is  a 
part  of  my  business.  It  is  the  detective's 
place  to  know  everything  ;  and  generally, 
if  he  reveals  the  machinery  by  means  of 
which  he  reaches  his  conclusions,  he  is  a 
fool,  since  his  method  is  his  secret,  and 
his  secret  his  stock  in  trade.  I  do  not 
mind  telling  you,  however,  that  I  knew 
your  watch  was  stolen  by  your  anxious 
glance  at  my  clock,  which  showed  that 
you  wished  to  know  the  time.  Now 
most  rich  Americans  have  watches  for 
that  purpose,  and  have  no  hesitation 
about  showing  them.  If  you'd  had  a 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF  38 

watch,  you'd  have  looked  at  it,  not  at  my 
clock.' 

"  My  visitor  laughed,  and  repeated  what 
he  had  said  about  my  being  a  wonderful 
man. 

" '  And  the  dents  which  my  son  made 
cutting  his  teeth  ?'  he  added. 

"'Invariably  go  with  an  American's 
watch.  Rubber  or  ivory  rings  aren't  good 
enough  for  American  babies  to  chew  on.' 
said  I.  '  They  must  have  gold  watches  or 
nothing.' 

"  '  And  finally,  how  did  you  know  I  was 
a  rich  American  ?'  he  asked. 

"  'Because  no  other  can  afford  to  stop 
at  hotels  like  the  Savoy  in  the  height  of 
the  season,'  I  replied,  thinking  that  the 
jest  would  end  there,  and  that  he  would 
now  reveal  his  identity  and  speak  of  the 
tiara.  To  my  surprise,  however,  he  did 
nothing  of  the  sort. 

"'You  have  an  almost  supernatural 
gift,'  he  said.  '  My  name  is  Bunker.  I 
am  stopping  at  the  Savoy.  I  am  an 
American.  I  was  rich  when  I  arrived 

3 


34  THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

here,  bat  I'm  not  quite  so  bloated  with 
wealth  as  I  was,  now  that  I  have  paid  my 
first  week's  bill.  I  have  lost  my  watch ; 
such  a  watch,  too,  as  you  describe,  even 
to  the  dents.  Your  only  mistake  was  that 
the  dents  were  made  by  my  son  John,  and 
not  Willie ;  but  even  there  I  cannot  but 
wonder  at  you,  for  John  and  Willie  are 
twins,  and  so  much  alike  that  it  some 
times  baffles  even  their  mother  to  tell 
them  apart.  The  watch  has  no  very  great 
value  intrinsically,  but  the  associations 
are  such  that  I  want  it  back,  and  I  will 
pay  £200  for  its  recovery.  I  have  no  clew 
as  to  who  took  it.  It  was  numbered — 

"  Here  a  happy  thought  struck  me.  In 
all  my  description  of  the  watch  I  had 
merely  described  my  own,  a  very  cheap 
affair  which  I  had  won  at  a  raffle.  My 
visitor  was  deceiving  me,  though  for  what 
purpose  I  did  not  on  the  instant  divine. 
No  one  would  like  to  suspect  him  of  hav 
ing  purloined  his  wife's  tiara.  Why 
should  I  not  deceive  him,  and  at  the  same 
time  get  rid  of  my  poor  chronometer  for  a 


36 

sum  that  exceeded  its  value  a  hundred 
fold?" 

"  Good  business  !"  cried  Shylock. 

The  stranger  smiled  and  bowed. 

"Excellent,"  he  said.  "I  took  the 
words  right  out  of  his  mouth.  'It  was 
numbered  86507B  F  I  cried,  giving,  of 
course,  the  number  of  my  own  watch. 

"  He  gazed  at  me  narrowly  for  a  mo 
ment,  and  then  he  smiled.  'You  grow 
more  marvellous  at  every  step.  That  was 
indeed  the  number.  Are  you  a  demon  ?' 

"  'No/  I  replied.  'Only  something  of 
a  mind-reader.' 

"Well,  to  be  brief,  the  bargain  was 
struck.  I  was  to  look  for  a  watch  that  I 
knew  he  hadn't  lost,  and  was  to  receive 
£200  if  I  found  it.  It  seemed  to  him  to 
be  a  very  good  bargain,  as,  indeed,  it  was, 
from  his  point  of  view,  feeling,  as  he  did, 
that  there  never  having  been  any  such 
watch,  it  could  not  be  recovered,  and  lit 
tle  suspecting  that  two  could  play  at  his 
little  game  of  deception,  and  that  under 
any  circumstances  I  could  foist  a  ten- 


86  THE    PURSUIT    OF  THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

shilling  watch  upon  him  for  two  hun 
dred  pounds.  This  business  concluded, 
he  started  to  go. 

"'Won't  you  have  a  little  Scotch  ?'  I 
asked,  as  he  started,  feeling,  with  all  that 
prospective  profit  in  view,  I  could  well 
afford  the  expense.  'It  is  a  stormy 
night.' 

"'Thanks,  I  will/  said  he,  returning 
and  seating  himself  by  my  table — still,  to 
my  surprise,  keeping  his  hat  on. 

"Let  me  take  your  hat/  I  said,  little 
thinking  that  my  courtesy  would  reveal  the 
true  state  of  affairs.  The  mere  mention 
of  the  word  hat  brought  about  a  terrible 
change  in  my  visitor  ;  his  knees  trembled, 
his  face  grew  ghastly,  and  he  clutched  the 
brim  of  his  beaver  until  it  cracked.  He 
then  nervously  removed  it,  and  I  noticed 
a  dull  red  mark  running  about  his  fore 
head,  just  as  there  would  be  on  the  fore 
head  of  a  man  whose  hat  fitted  too  tight 
ly  ;  and  that  mark,  gentlemen,  had  the 
undulating  outline  of  nothing  more  nor 
less  than  a  tiara,  and  on  the  apex  of  the 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF  37 

uppermost  extremity  was  a  deep  indenta 
tion  about  the  size  of  a  shilling,  that  could 
have  been  made  only  by  some  adamantine 
substance !  The  mystery  was  solved ! 
The  robber  of  the  Duchess  of  Brokedale 
stood  before  me." 

A  suppressed  murmur  of  excitement 
went  through  the  assembled  spirits,  and 
even  Messrs.  Hawkshaw  and  Le  Coq  were 
silent  in  the  presence  of  such  genius. 

"My  plan  of  action  was  immediately 
formulated.  The  man  was  completely  at 
my  mercy.  He  had  stolen  the  tiara,  and 
had  it  concealed  in  the  lining  of  his  hat. 
I  rose  and  locked  the  door.  My  visitor 
sank  with  a  groan  into  my  chair. 

" '  Why  did  you  do  that  ?'  he  stam 
mered,  as  I  turned  the  key  in  the  lock. 

' ' '  To  keep  my  Scotch  whiskey  from 
evaporating/  I  said,  dryly.  'Now,  my 
lord,'  I  added,  '  it  will  pay  your  Grace  to 
let  me  have  your  hat.  I  know  who  you 
are.  You  are  the  Duke  of  Brokedale. 
The  Duchess  of  Brokedale  has  lost  a  val 
uable  tiara  of  diamonds,  and  you  have  not 


38  THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

lost  your  watch.  Somebody  has  stolen 
the  diamonds,  and  it  may  be  that  some 
where  there  is  a  Bunker  who  has  lost  such 
a  watch  as  I  have  described.  The  queer 
part  of  it  all  is/  I  continued,  handing  him 
the  decanter,  and  taking  a  couple  of  load 
ed  six-shooters  out  of  my  escritoire — 'the 
queer  part  of  it  all  is  that  I  have  the 
watch  and  you  have  the  tiara.  We'll  swap 
the  swag.  Hand  over  the  bauble,  please.' 

"  '  But—'  he  began. 

"  '  "We  won't  have  any  butting,  your 
Grace,'  said  I.  Til  give  you  the  watch, 
and  you  needn't  mind  the  £200  ;  and  you 
must  give  me  the  tiara,  or  I'll  accompany 
you  forthwith  to  the  police,  and  have  a 
search  made  of  your  hat.  It  won't  pay 
you  to  defy  me.  Give  it  up.' 

"  He  gave  up  the  hat  at  once,  and,  as  I 
suspected,  there  lay  the  tiara,  snugly 
stowed  away  behind  the  head-band. 

" '  You  are  a  great  fellow.'  said  I,  as  I 
held  the  tiara  up  to  the  light  and  watched 
with  pleasure  the  flashing  brilliance  of  its 
gems. 


[P.  41 
THK    STRANGER    DREW   FORTH    A    BtlNDf.K    OK    BUSINESS   CARDS1 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF          39 

'"I  beg  you'll  not  expose  me/  he 
moaned.  ' I  was  driven  to  it  by  necessity.' 

"  '  Not  I/  I  replied.  'As  long  as  you 
play  fair  it  will  be  all  right.  I'm  not  go 
ing  to  keep  this  thing.  I'm  not  married, 
and  so  have  no  nse  for  such  a  trifle ;  but 
what  I  do  intend  is  simply  to  wait  until 
your  wife  retains  me  to  find  it,  and  then 
I'll  find  it  and  get  the  reward.  If  you 
keep  perfectly  still,  I'll  have  it  found  in 
such  a  fashion  that  you'll  never  be  sus 
pected.  If,  on  the  other  hand,  you  say  a 
word  about  to-night's  events,  I'll  hand  you 
over  to  the  police/ 

"  '  Humph  !'  he  said.  '  You  couldn't 
prove  a  case  against  me.' 

" '  I  can  prove  any  case  against  any 
body/  I  retorted.  '  If  you  don't  believe 
it,  read  my  book/  I  added,  and  I  handed 
him  a  copy  of  my  memoirs. 

"'I've  read  it/  he  answered,  'and  I 
ought  to  have  known  better  than  to  come 
here.  I  thought  you  were  only  a  literary 
success.'  And  with  a  deep-drawn  sigh  he 
took  the  watch  and  went  out.  Ten  days 


40          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

later  I  was  retained  by  the  Duchess,  and 
after  a  pretended  search  of  ten  days  more 
I  found  the  tiara,  restored  it  to  the  noble 
lady,  and  received  the  £5000  reward. 
The  Duke  kept  perfectly  quiet  about  our 
little  encounter,  and  afterwards  we  be 
came  stanch  friends ;  for  he  was  a  good 
fellow,  and  was  driven  to  his  desperate 
deed  only  by  the  demands  of  his  credit 
ors,  and  the  following  Christmas  he  sent 
me  the  watch  I  had  given  him,  with  the 
best  wishes  of  the  season. 

"  So,  yon  see,  gentlemen,  in  a  moment, 
by  quick  wit  and  a  mental  concentration 
of  no  mean  order,  combined  with  strict 
observance  of  the  pettiest  details,  I  fer 
reted  out  what  bade  fair  to  become  a 
great  diamond  mystery  ;  and  when  I  say 
that  this  cigar  end  proves  certain  things 
to  my  mind,  it  does  not  become  you  to 
doubt  the  value  of  my  conclusions." 

"Hear!  hear!"  cried  Raleigh,  growing 
tumultuous  with  enthusiasm. 

"  Your  name  ?  your  name  ?"  came  from 
all  parts  of  the  wharf, 


THE    STRANGER    REVEALS    HIMSELF  41 

The  stranger,  putting  his  hand  into  the 
folds  of  his  coat,  drew  forth  a  bundle  of 
business  cards,  which  he  tossed,  as  the 
prestidigitator  tosses  playing  -  cards,  out 
among  the  audience,  and  on  each  of  them 
was  found  printed  the  words  : 


SHERLOCK  HOLMES, 

DETECTIVE. 


FERRETING  DONE  HERE. 
Plots  far  Sale. 


"  I  think  he  made  a  mistake  in  not  tak 
ing  the  £200  for  the  watch.  Such  care 
lessness  destroys  my  confidence  in  him," 
said  Shylock,  who  was  the  first  to  recover 
from  the  surprise  of  the  revelation. 


Ill 

THE   SEARCH-PARTY   IS   ORGANIZED 

"WELL,  Mr.  Holmes,"  said  Sir  Walter 
Raleigh,  after  three  rousing  cheers,  led  by 
Hamlet,  had  been  given  with  a  will  by  the 
assembled  spirits,  "after  this  demonstra 
tion  in  your  honor  I  think  it  is  hardly 
necessary  for  me  to  assure  you  of  our 
hearty  co-operation  in  anything  you  may 
venture  to  suggest.  There  is  still  mani 
fest,  however,  some  desire  on  the  part  of 
the  ever -wise  King  Solomon  and  my 
friend  Confucius  to  know  how  you  deduce 
that  Kidd  has  sailed  for  London,  from  the 
cigar  end  which  you  hold  in  your  hand." 

"I  can  easily  satisfy  their  curiosity," 
said  Sherlock  Holmes,  genially.  "I  be 
lieve  I  have  already  proven  that  it  is  the 
end  of  Kidd's  cigar.  The  marks  of  the 


"  THREE    ROUSING    CHEERS,  LED    BY    HAMLET,   WERE    GIVEN  " 


THE    SEARCH-PARTY    IS    ORGANIZED  43 

teeth  have  shown  that.  Now  observe  how 
closely  it  is  smoked  —  there  is  barely 
enough  of  it  left  for  one  to  insert  between 
his  teeth.  Now  Captain  Kidd  would 
hardly  have  risked  the  edges  of  his  mus 
tache  and  the  comfort  of  his  lips  by  smok 
ing  a  cigar  down  to  the  very  light  if  he 
had  had  another  ;  nor  would  he  under  any 
circumstances  have  smoked  it  that  far  un 
less  he  were  passionately  addicted  to  this 
particular  brand  of  the  weed.  Therefore 
I  say  to  you,  first,  this  was  his  cigar  ; 
second,  it  was  the  last  one  he  had  ;  third, 
he  is  a  confirmed  smoker.  The  result,  he 
has  gone  to  the  one  place  in  the  world 
where  these  Connecticut  hand-rolled  Ha 
vana  cigars — for  I  recognize  this  as  one  of 
them  —  have  a  real  popularity,  and  are 
therefore  more  certainly  obtainable,  and 
that  is  at  London.  You  cannot  get  so 
vile  a  cigar  as  that  outside  of  a  London 
hotel.  If  I  could  have  seen  a  quarter- 
inch  more  of  it,  I  should  have  been  able 
definitely  to  locate  the  hotel  itself.  The 
wrappers  unroll  to  a  degree  that  varies 


44          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-ROAT 

perceptibly  as  between  the  different  ho 
tels.  The  Metropole  cigar  can  be  smoked 
a  quarter  through  before  its  wrapper  gives 
way ;  the  Grand  wrapper  goes  as  soon  as 
yon  light  the  cigar ;  whereas  the  Savoy, 
fronting  on  the  Thames,  is  surrounded  by 
a  moister  atmosphere  than  the  others,  and, 
as  a  consequence,  the  wrapper  will  hold 
really  until  most  people  are  willing  to 
throw  the  whole  thing  away/' 

"  It  is  really  a  wonderful  art  !"  said 
Solomon. 

"  The  making  of  a  Connecticut  Havana 
cigar?"  laughed  Holmes.  "Not  at  all. 
Give  me  a  head  of  lettuce  and  a  straw, 
and  Fll  make  you  a  box." 

"I  referred  to  your  art  —  that  of  de 
tection,"  said  Solomon.  "Your  logic  is 
perfect ;  step  by  step  we  have  been  led  to 
the  irresistible  conclusion  that  Kidd  has 
made  for  London,  and  can  be  found  at 
one  of  these  hotels." 

"And  only  until  next  Tuesday,  when 
he  will  take  a  house  in  the  neighborhood 
of  Scotland  Yard,"  put  in  Holmes,  quick- 


THE    SEARCH-PARTY    IS    ORGANIZED          4g 

]y,  observing  a  sneer  on  Hawkshaw's  lips, 
and  hastening  to  overwhelm  him  by  fur 
ther  evidence  of  his  ingenuity.  "  When 
he  gets  his  bill  he  will  open  his  piratical 
eyes  so  wide  that  he  will  be  seized  with 
jealousy  to  think  of  how  much  more  re 
fined  his  profession  has  become  since  he 
left  it,  and  out  of  mere  pique  he  will  leave 
the  hotel,  and,  to  show  himself  still  clev 
erer  than  his  modern  prototypes,  he  will 
leave  his  account  unpaid,  with  the  result 
that  the  affair  will  be  put  in^he  hands  of 
the  police,  under  which  circumstances  a 
house  in  the  immediate  vicinity  of  the 
famous  police  headquarters  will  be  the 
safest  hiding-place  he  can  find,  as  was  in 
stanced  by  the  remarkable  case  of  the 
famous  Penstock  bond  robbery.  A  cer 
tain  church-warden  named  Hinkley,  hav 
ing  been  appointed  cashier  thereof,  robbed 
the  Penstock  Imperial  Bank  of  .£1,000,- 
000  in  bonds,  and,  fleeing  to  London,  act 
ually  joined  the  detective  force  at  Scot 
land  Yard,  and  was  detailed  to  find  him 
self,  which  of  course  he  never  did,  nor 


46          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

would  he  ever  have  been  found  had  he  not 
crossed  my  path." 

Hawkshaw  gazed  mournfully  off  into 
space,  and  Le  Coq  muttered  profane 
words  under  his  breath. 

"  We're  not  in  the  same  class  with  this 
fellow,  Hawkshaw,"  said  Le  Coq.  "  You 
could  tap  your  forehead  knowingly  eight 
hours  a  day  through  all  eternity  with  a 
sledge-hammer  without  loosening  an  idea 
like  that." 

"Nevertheless  I'll  confound  him  yet," 
growled  the  jealous  detective.  "I  shall 
myself  go  to  London,  and,  disguised  as 
Captain  Kidd,  will  lead  this  visionary  on 
until  he  comes  there  to  arrest  me,  and 
when  these  club  members  discover  that  it 
is  Hawkshaw  and  not  Kidd  he  has  run  to 
earth,  we'll  have  a  great  laugh  on  Sher 
lock  Holmes." 

"  I  am  anxious  to  hear  how  you  solved 
the  bond-robbery  mystery,"  said  Socrates, 
wrapping  his  toga  closely  about  him  and 
settling  back  against  one  of  the  spiles  of 
the  wharf. 


THE    SEARCH-PARTY    IS    ORGANIZED          47 

"  So  are  we  all,"  said  Sir  Walter.  "  But 
meantime  the  House-boat  is  getting  far 
ther  away." 

"Not  unless  she's  sailing  backwards," 
sneered  Noah,  who  was  still  nursing  his 
resentment  against  Sir  Christopher  Wren 
for  his  reflections  upon  the  speed  of  the 
Ark. 

"  What's  the  hurry  ?"  asked  Socrates. 
"I  believe  in  making  haste  slowly;  and 
on  the  admission  of  our  two  eminent  na 
val  architects,  Sir  Christopher  and  Noah, 
neither  of  their  vessels  can  travel  more 
than  a  mile  a  week,  and  if  we  charter  the 
Flying  Dutchman  to  go  in  pursuit  of  her 
we  can  catch  her  before  she  gets  out  of 
the  Styx  into  the  Atlantic." 

"  Jonah  might  lend  us  his  whale,  if  the 
beast  is  in  commission,"  suggested  Mun- 
chausen,  dryly.  "  I  for  one  would  rather 
take  a  state-room  in  Jonah's  whale  than 
go  aboard  the  Flying  Dutchman  again.  I 
made  one  trip  on  the  Dutchman,  and  she's 
worse  than  a  dory  for  comfort ;  further 
more,  I  don't  see  what  good  it  would  do 


48          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

us  to  charter  a  boat  that  can't  land  oftener 
than  once  in  seven  years,  and  spends  most 
of  her  time  trying  to  double  the  Cape  of 
Good  Hope." 

"My  whale  is  in  commission,"  said 
Jonah,  with  dignity.  "  But  Baron  Mun- 
chausen  need  not  consider  the  question  of 
taking  a  state-room  aboard  of  her.  She 
doesn't  carry  second  -  class  passengers. 
And  if  I  took  any  stock  in  the  idea  of  a 
trip  on  the  Flying  Dutchman  amounting 
to  a  seven  years'  exile,  I  would  cheerfully 
pay  the  Baron's  expenses  for  a  round 
trip." 

"  We  are  losing  time,  gentlemen,"  sug 
gested  Sherlock  Holmes.  "  This  is  a  mo 
ment,  I  think,  when  you  should  lay  aside 
personal  differences  and  personal  prefer 
ences  for  immediate  action.  I  have  ex 
amined  the  wake  of  the  House-boat,  and 
I  judge  from  the  condition  of  what,  for 
want  of  a  better  term,  I  may  call  the  suds, 
when  she  left  us  the  House-boat  was  mak 
ing  ten  knots  a  day.  Almost  any  craft 
we  can  find  suitably  manned  ought  to  be 


THE    SEARCH-PARTY    IS    ORGANIZED  49 

able  to  do  better  than  that;  and  if  you 
could  summon  Charon  and  ascertain  what 
boats  he  has  at  hand,  it  would  be  for  the 
good  of  all  concerned." 

"That's  a  good  plan/'  said  Johnson. 
"Boswell,  see  if  you  can  find  Charon." 

"I  am  here  already,  sir,"  returned  the 
ferryman,  rising.  "Most  of  my  boats 
have  gone  into  winter  quarters,  your 
Honor.  The  Mayflower  went  into  dry 
dock  last  week  to  be  calked  up  ;  the  Pinta 
and  the  Santa  Maria  are  slow  and  cranky  ; 
the  Monitor  and  the  Merrimac  I  haven't 
really  had  time  to  patch  up  ;  and  the  Val 
kyrie  is  two  months  overdue.  I  cannot 
make  up  my  mind  whether  she  is  lost  or 
kept  back  by  excursion  steamers.  Hence 
I  really  don't  know  what  I  can  lend  you. 
Any  of  these  boats  I  have  named  you 
could  have  had  for  nothing;  but  my  oth 
ers  are  actively  employed,  and  I  couldn't 
let  them  go  without  a  serious  interfer 
ence  with  my  business." 

The  old  man  blinked  sorrowfully  across 
the  waters  at  the  opposite  shore.  It  was 


50          THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

quite  evident  that  he  realized  what  a 
dreadful  expense  the  club  was  about  to  be 
put  to,  and  while  of  course  there  would  be 
profit  in  it  for  him,  he  was  sincerely  sorry 
for  them. 

"  I  repeat,"  he  added,  "  those  boats  you 
could  have  had  for  nothing,  but  the  oth 
ers  I'd  have  to  charge  you  for,  though  of 
course  I'll  give  you  a  discount." 

And  he  blinked  again,  as  he  meditated 
upon  whether  that  discount  should  be  an 
eighth  or  one-quarter  of  one  per  cent. 

"  The  Flying  Dutch/nan,"  he  pursued, 
"ain't  no  good  for  your  purposes.  She's 
too  fast.  She's  built  to  fly  by,  not  to 
stop.  You'd  catch  up  with  the  House 
boat  in  a  minute  with  her,  but  you'd  go 
right  on  and  disappear  like  a  visionary  ; 
and  as  for  the  Ark,  she'd  never  do — with 
all  respect  to  Mr.  Noah.  She's  just  about 
as  suitable  as  any  other  waterlogged  cat 
tle-steamer  'd  be,  and  no  more — first-rate 
for  elephants  and  kangaroos,  but  no  good 
for  cruiser-work,  and  so  slow  she  wouldn't 
make  a  ripple  high  enough  to  drown  a 


THE    SEARCH-PARTY    IS    ORGANIZED          61 

gnat  going  at  the  top  of  her  speed.  Fur 
thermore,  she's  got  a  great  big  hole  in  her 
bottom,  where  she  was  stove  in  by  run 
ning  afoul  of — Mount  Arrus-root,  I  believe 
it  was  called  when  Captain  Noah  went 
cruising  with  that  menagerie  of  his." 

"  That's  an  unmitigated  falsehood  !" 
cried  Noah,  angrily.  "This  man  talks 
like  a  professional  amateur  yachtsman. 
He  has  no  regard  for  facts,  but  simply 
goes  ahead  and  makes  statements  with  an 
utter  disregard  of  the  truth.  The  Ark 
was  not  stove  in.  We  beached  her  very 
successfully.  I  say  this  in  defence  of  my 
seamanship,  which  was  top-notch  for  my 
day." 

''Couldn't  sail  six  weeks  without  foul 
ing  a  mountain  -  peak  !"  sneered  Wren, 
perceiving  a  chance  to  get  even. 

"The  hole's  there,  just  the  same,"  said 
Charon.  "  Maybe  she  was  a  centreboard, 
and  that's  where  you  kept  the  board." 

"  The  hole  is  there  because  it  was  worn 
there  by  one  of  the  elephants,"  retorted 
Noah.  "  You  get  a  beast  like  the  ele- 


62          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-POAT 

phant  shuffling  one  of  his  fore -feet  np 
and  down,  up  and  down,  a  plank  for 
twenty-four  hours  a  day  for  forty  days 
in  one  of  your  boats,  and  see  where  your 
boat  would  be." 

"  Thanks,"  said  Charon,  calmly.  "  But 
the  elephants  don't  patronize  my  line. 
All  the  elephants  I've  ever  seen  in  Hades 
waded  over,  except  Jumbo,  and  he  reached 
his  trunk  across,  fastened  on  to  a  tree 
limb  with  it,  and  swung  himself  over. 
However,  the  Ark  isn't  at  all  what  you 
want,  unless  you  are  going  to  man  her 
with  a  lot  of  centaurs.  If  that's  your  in 
tention,  I'd  charter  her ;  the  accommo 
dations  are  just  the  thing  for  a  crew  of 
that  kind." 

"  Well,  what  do  you  suggest  ?"  asked 
Raleigh,  somewhat  impatiently.  "  You've 
told  us  what  we  can't  do.  Now  tell  us 
what  we  can  do." 

"I'd  stay  right  here,"  said  Charon, 
"and  let  the  ladies  rescue  themselves. 
That's  what  I'd  do.  I've  had  the  honor 
of  bringing  "em  over  here,  and  I  think  I 


THE    SEARCH-PARTY    18    ORGANIZED          53 

know  'em  pretty  well.  I've  watched  'em 
close,  and  it's  my  private  opinion  that  be 
fore  many  days  you'll  see  your  club-house 
sailing  back  here,  with  Queen  Elizabeth 
at  the  helium,  and  the  other  ladies  on  the 
for'ard  deck  knittin'  and  crochetin',  and 
tearin'  each  other  to  pieces  in  a  conver 
sational  way,  as  happy  as  if  there  never 
had  been  any  Captain  Kidd  and  his  pi 
rate  crew." 

"  That  suggestion  is  impossible,"  said 
Blackstone,  rising.  "  Whether  the  relief 
expedition  amounts  to  anything  or  not, 
it's  good  to  be  set  going.  The  ladies 
would  never  forgive  us  if  we  sat  here  in 
active,  even  if  they  were  capable  of  rescu 
ing  themselves.  It  is  an  accepted  prin 
ciple  of  law  that  this  climate  hath  no  fury 
like  a  woman  left  to  herself,  and  we've 
got  enough  professional  furies  hereabouts 
without  our  aiding  in  augmenting  the 
ranks.  We  must  have  a  boat." 

"  It  '11  cost  you  a  thousand  dollars  a 
week,"  said  Charon. 

"  I'll  subscribe  fifty,"  cried  Hamlet. 


54  THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE     HOUSE-BOAT 

"I'll  consult  my  secretary,"  said  Solo 
mon,  "and  find  out  how  many  of  my 
wives  have  been  abducted,  and  I'll  pay 
ten  dollars  apiece  for  their  recovery." 

"That's  liberal,"  said  Hawkshaw. 
"  There  are  sixty-three  of  'em  on  board, 
together  Avith  eighty  of  his  fiancees. 
What's  the  quotation  on  fiancees,  King 
Solomon  ?" 

"  Nothing,"  said  Solomon.  "  They're 
not  mine  yet,  and  it's  their  fathers'  busi 
ness  to  get  'em  back.  Not  mine." 

Other  subscriptions  came  pouring  in, 
and  it  was  not  long  before  everybody  save 
Shylock  had  put  his  name  down  for  some 
thing.  This  some  one  of  the  more  quick 
witted  of  the  spirits  soon  observed,  and, 
with  reckless  disregard  of  the  feelings  of 
the  Merchant  of  Venice,  began  to  call : 
"  Shylock  !  Shylock  !  How  much  ?" 

The  Merchant  tried  to  leave  the  pier, 
but  his  path  was  blocked. 

"Subscribe,  subscribe!"  was  the  cry. 
"How  much?" 

"  Order,  gentlemen,  order  !"   said   Sir 


THE    SEARCH-PARTY    IS    ORGANIZED          55 

Walter,  rising  and  holding  a  bottle  aloft. 
"  A  black  person  by  the  name  of  Friday, 
a  valet  of  onr  friend  Mr.  Crusoe,  has  jnst 
handed  me  this  bottle,  which  he  picked 
up  ten  minutes  ago  on  the  bank  of  the 
river  a  few  miles  distant.  It  contains  a 
bit  of  paper,  and  may  perhaps  give  us  a 
clew  based  upon  something  more  sub 
stantial  than  even  the  wonderful  theories 
of  our  new  brother  Holmes." 

A  deathly  silence  followed  the  chair 
man's  words,  as  Sir  Walter  drew  a  cork 
screw  from  his  pocket  and  opened  the 
bottle.  He  extracted  the  paper,  and,  as 
he  had  surmised,  it  proved  to  be  a  mes 
sage  from  the  missing  vessel.  His  face 
brightening  with  a  smile  of  relief,  Sir 
Walter  read,  aloud  : 

"  Have  just  emerged  into  the  Atlantic. 
Club  in  hands  of  Kidd  and  forty  ruffians. 
One  hundred  and  eighty-three  ladies  on 
board.  Headed  for  the  Azores.  Send 
aid  at  once.  All  well  except  Xanthip 
pe,  who  is  seasick  in  the  billiard-room. 
(Signed)  Portia," 


56          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"Aha!"  cried  Hawkshaw.  "That 
shows  how  valuable  the  Holmes  theory 
is." 

" Precisely,"  said  Holmes.  "No  wom 
an  knows  anything  about  seafaring,  but 
Portia  is  right.  The  ship  is  headed  for 
the  Azores,  which  is  the  first  tack  needed 
in  a  windward  sail  for  London  under  the 
present  conditions." 

The  reply  was  greeted  with  cheers,  and 
when  they  subsided  the  cry  for  Shylock's 
subscription  began  again,  but  he  declined. 

"  I  had  intended  to  put  up  a  thousand 
ducats,"  he  said,  defiantly,  "but  with  that 
woman  Portia  on 'board  I  won't  give  a  red 
obolus !"  and  with  that  he  wrapped  his 
cloak  about  him  and  stalked  off  into  the 
gathering  shadows  of  the  wood. 

And  so  the  funds  were  raised  without 
the  aid  of  Shylock,  and  the  shapely  twin- 
screw  steamer  the  Gehenna  was  chartered 
of  Charon,  and  put  under  the  command 
of  Mr.  Sherlock  Holmes,  who,  after  he 
had  thanked  the  company  for  their  confi 
dence,  walked  abstractedly  away,  observ- 


THE    SEARCH-PARTY    IS    ORGANIZED  67 

ing  in  strictest  confidence  to  himself  that 
he  had  done  well  to  prepare  that  bottle 
beforehand  and  bribe  Crusoe's  man  to 
find  it. 

"For  now/'  he  said,  with  a  chuckle, 
"I  can  get  back  to  earth  again  free  of 
cost  on  my  own  hook,  whether  my  emi 
nent  inventor  wants  me  there  or  not.  I 
never  approved  of  his  killing  me  off  as  he 
did  at  the  very  height  of  my  popularity." 


IV 
ON   BOAKD  THE   HOUSE-BOAT 

MEANWHILE  the  ladies  were  not  hav 
ing  such  a  bad  time,  after  all.  Once  hav 
ing  gained  possession  of  the  House-boat, 
they  were  loath  to  think  of  ever  having  to 
give  it  up  again,  and  it  is  an  open  ques 
tion  in  my  mind  if  they  would  not  have 
made  off  with  it  themselves  had  Captain 
Kidd  and  his  men  not  done  it  for  them. 

"  Fll  never  forgive  these  men  for  their 
selfishness  in  monopolizing  all  this,"  said 
Elizabeth,  with  a  vicious  stroke  of  a  bill 
iard-cue,  which  missed  the  cue-ball  and 
tore  a  right  angle  in  the  cloth.  "  It  is 
not  right." 

"  No,"  said  Portia.  "  It  is  all  wrong  ; 
and  when  we  get  back  home  I'm  going  to 
give  my  beloved  Bassanio  a  piece  of  my 
mind  ;  and  if  he  doesn't  give  in  (to  me. 


ON    BOARD    THE    HOUSE-BOAT  69 

I'll  reverse  my  decision  in  the  famous  case 
of  Shylock  versus  Antonio." 

"  Then  I  sincerely  hope  he  doesn't  give 
in,"  retorted  Cleopatra,  "  for  I  swear  by 
all  my  auburn  locks  that  that  was  the  very 
worst  bit  of  injustice  ever  perpetrated. 
Mr.  Shakespeare  confided  to  me  one  night, 
at  one  of  Mrs.  Caesar's  card-parties,  that  he 
regarded  that  as  the  biggest  joke  he  ever 
wrote,  and  Judge  Blackstone  observed  to 
Antony  that  the  decision  wouldn't  have 
held  in  any  court  of  equity  outside  of 
Venice.  If  you  owe  a  man  a  thousand 
ducats,  and  it  costs  you  three  thousand  to 
get  them,  that's  your  affair,  not  his.  If  it 
cost  Antonio  every  drop  of  his  bluest  blood 
to  pay  the  pound  of  flesh,  it  was  Antonio's 
affair,  not  Shylock's.  However,  the  world 
applauds  you  as  a  great  jurist,  when  you 
have  nothing  more  than  a  woman's  keen 
instinct  for  sentimental  technicalities." 

"It  would  have  made  a  horrid  play, 
though,  if  it  had  gone  on,"  shuddered 
Elizabeth. 

"  That  may  be,  but,  carried  out  realis- 


60          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE     HOUSE-BOAT 

tically,  it  would  have  done  away  with  a 
raft  of  bad  actors,"  said  Cleopatra.  "  I'm 
half  sorry  it  didn't  go  on,  and  I'm  sure  it 
wouldn't  have  been  any  worse  than  com 
pelling  Brutus  to  fall  on  his  sword  until 
he  resembles  a  chicken  liver  en  brochettc, 
as  is  done  in  that  Julius  Csesar  play." 

"Well,  I'm  very  glad  I  did  it,"  snapped 
Portia. 

"  I  should  think  you  would  be,"  said 
Cleopatra.  "If  you  hadn't  done  it,  you'd 
never  have  been  known.  What  was  that  ?" 

The  boat  had  given  a  slight  lurch. 

"Didn't  you  hear  a  shuffling  noise  up  on 
deck,  Portia  ?"  asked  the  Egyptian  Queen. 

"  I  thought  I  did,  and  it  seemed  as  if 
the  vessel  had  moved  a  bit,"  returned 
Portia,  nervously ;  for,  like  most  women 
in  an  advanced  state  of  development,  she 
had  become  a  martyr  to  her  nerves. 

"  It  was  merely  the  wash  from  one  of 
Charon's  new  ferry-boats,  I  fancy,"  said 
Elizabeth,  calmly.  "It's  disgusting,  the 
way  that  old  fellow  allows  these  modern 
innovations  to  be  brought  in  here !  As 


ON    BOARD    THE    HOUSE-BOAT  61 

if  the  old  paddle-boats  he  used  to  carry 
shades  in  weren't  good  enough  for  the 
immigrants  of  this  age  !  Really  this  Styx 
River  is  losing  a  great  deal  of  its  charm. 
Sir  Walter  and  I  were  upset,  while  out 
rowing  one  day  last  summer,  by  the  waves 
kicked  up  by  one  of  Charon's  excursion 
steamers  going  up  the  river  with  a  party 
of  picnickers  from  the  city  —  the  Greater 
Gehenna  Chowder  Club,  I  believe  it  was 
— on  board  of  her.  One  might  just  as 
well  live  in  the  midst  of  the  turmoil  of 
a  great  city  as  try  to  get  uninterrupted 
quiet  here  in  the  suburbs  in  these  days. 
Charon  isn't  content  to  get  rich  slowly ; 
he  must  make  money  by  the  barrelful,  if 
he  has  to  sacrifice  all  the  comfort  of 
everybody  living  on  this  river.  Any 
body  M  think  he  was  an  American,  the 
way  he  goes  on  ;  and  everybody  else  here 
is  the  same  way.  The  Erebeans  are  get 
ting  to  be  a  race  of  shopkeepers." 

"I  think  myself,"  sighed  Cleopatra, 
"  that  Hades  is  being  spoiled  by  the  in 
troduction  of  American  ideas — it  is  get- 


62          THE    PCRSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

ting  by  far  too  democratic  for  my  tastes  ; 
and  if  it  isn't  stopped,  it's  my  belief  that 
the  best  people  will  stop  coming  here. 
Take  Madame  Recamier's  salon  as  it  is 
now  and  compare  it  with  what  it  used  to 
be  !  In  the  early  days,  after  her  arrival 
here,  everybody  went  because  it  was  the 
swell  thing,  and  you'd  be  sure  of  meeting 
the  intellectually  elect.  On  the  one  hand 
you'd  find  Sophocles ;  on  the  other, 
Cicero ;  across  the  room  would  be  Horace 
chatting  gayly  with  some  such  person  as 
myself.  Great  warriors,  from  Alexander 
to  Bonaparte,  were  there,  and  glad  of  the 
opportunity  to  be  there,  too  ;  statesmen 
like  Macchiavelli ;  artists  like  Cellini  or 
Tintoretto.  You  couldn't  move  without 
stepping  on  the  toes  of  genius.  But  now 
all  is  different.  The  money- getting  in 
stinct  has  been  aroused  within  them  all, 
with  the  result  that  when  I  invited  Mozart 
to  meet  a  few  friends  at  dinner  at  my 
place  last  autumn,  he  sent  me  a  card  stat 
ing  his  terms  for  dinners.  Let  me  see,  I 
think  I  have  it  with  me ;  I've  kept  it  by 
me  for  fear  of  losing  it,  it  is  such  a  com- 


ON    BOARD    THE    HOUSE-BOAT  63 

plete  revelation  of  the  actual  condition  of 
affairs  in  this  locality.  Ah  !  this  is  it," 
she  added,  taking  a  small  bit  of  paste 
board  from  her  card-case.  "Read  that." 
The  card  was  passed  about,  and  all  the 
ladies  were  much  astonished — and  natu 
rally  so,  for  it  ran  this  wise  : 


NOTICE   TO   HOSTESSES. 

Owing  to  the  very  great,  constantly  grow 
ing,  and  at  times  vexatious  demands  upon 
his  time  socially, 

HERR    WOLFGANG    AMADEUS    MOZART 

takes  this  method  of  announcing  to  his 
friends  that  on  and  after  January  1,  1897, 
his  terms  for  functions  will  be  as  follows : 

Marks. 

Dinners  with  conversation  on  the 

Theory  of  Music 600 

Dinners  with  conversation  on  the 

Theory  of  Music,  illustrated..  .  750 

Dinners    without  any    conversa 
tion  300 

Receptions,  public,  with  music. . .  1000 

"           private,       "          ...  750 

Encores  (single) 100 

Three  encores  for 150 

Autographs 10 

Positively  no  Invitations  for  Five-o'Clock 
Teas  or  Morning  Musicales  considered. 


64          THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"  Well,  I  declare  !"  tittered  Elizabeth, 
as  she  read.  "  Isn't  that  extraordi 
nary  ?  He's  got  the  three-name  craze, 
too  !" 

"  It's  perfectly  ridiculous,"  said  Cleo 
patra.  "But  it's  fairer  than  Artemus 
Ward's  plan.  Mozart  gives  notice  of  his 
intentions  to  charge  you  ;  but  with  Ward 
it's  different.  He  conies,  and  afterwards 
sends  a  bill  for  his  fun.  Why,  only  last 
week  I  got  a  '  quarterly  statement '  from 
him  showing  a  charge  against  me  of  thirty- 
eight  dollars  for  humorous  remarks  made 
to  my  guests  at  a  little  chafing-dish  party 
I  gave  in  honor  of  Balzac,  and,  worst  of 
all,  he  had  marked  it  '  Please  remit.' 
Even  Antony,  when  he  wrote  a  sonnet  to 
my  eyebrow,  wouldn't  let  me  have  it  until 
he  had  heard  whether  or  not  Boswell 
wanted  it  for  publication  in  the  Gossip. 
With  Rubens  giving  chalk-talks  for  pay, 
Phidias  doing  '  Five-minute  Masterpieces 
in  Putty '  for  suburban  lyceums,  and  all 
the  illustrious  in  other  lines  turning  their 
genius  to  account  through  the  entertain- 


ON    BOARD    THE    HOUSE-BOAT  65 

ment  bureaus,  it's  impossible  to  have  a 
salon  now/' 

"  You  are  indeed  right/'  said  Madame 
Kecamier,  sadly.  "  Those  were  palmy 
days  when  genius  was  satisfied  with 
chicken  salad  and  lemonade.  I  shall 
never  forget  those  nights  when  the  wit 
and  wisdom  of  all  time  were — ah — were 
on  tap  at  my  house,  if  I  may  so  speak,  at 
a  cost  to  me  of  lights  and  supper.  Now 
the  only  people  who  will  come  for  nothing 
are  those  we  used  to  think  of  paying  to 
stay  away.  Boswell  is  always  ready,  but 
you  can't  run  a  salon  on  Boswell." 

"Well,"  said  Portia,  "  I  sincerely  hope 
that  you  won't  give  up  the  functions  al 
together,  because  I  have  always  found 
them  most  delightful.  It  is  still  possible 
to  have  lights  and  supper." 

"  I  have  a  plan  for  next  winter,"  said 
Madame  Eecamier,  "  but  I  suppose  I  shall 
be  accused  of  going  into  the  commercial 
side  of  it  if  I  adopt  it.  The  plan  is, 
briefly,  to  incorporate  my  salon.  That's 
an  idea  worthy  of  an  American,  I  admit ; 


66          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

but  if  I  don't  do  it  I'll  have  to  give  it  up 
entirely,  which,  as  you  intimate,  would  be 
too  bad.  An  incorporated  salon,  however, 
would  be  a  grand  thing,  if  only  because 
it  would  perpetuate  the  salon.  '  The  R6- 
camier  Salon  (Limited)'  would  be  a  most 
excellent  title,  and,  suitably  capitalized, 
would  enable  us  to  pay  our  lions  suffi 
ciently.  Private  enterprise  is  powerless 
under  modern  conditions.  It's  as  much 
as  I  can  afford  to  pay  for  a  dinner,  with 
out  running  up  an  expense  account  for 
guests ;  and  unless  we  get  up  a  salon 
trust,  as  it  were,  the  whole  affair  must 
go  to  the  wall." 

"  How  would  you  make  it  pay  ?"  asked 
Portia.  "  I  can't  see  where  your  divi 
dends  would  come  from." 

"  That  is  simple  enough,"  said  Madame 
Kecamier.  "  We  could  put  up  a  large 
reception-hall  with  a  portion  of  our  capi 
tal,  and  advertise  a  series  of  nights  — 
say  one  a  week  throughout  the  season. 
These  would  be  Warriors'  Night,  Story 
tellers'  Night,  Poets'  Night,  Chafing-dish 


ON    BOARD    THE    HOUSE-BOAT  67 

Night  under  the  charge  of  Brillat  -  Sava- 
rin,  and  so  on.  It  would  be  understood 
that  on  these  particular  evenings  the 
most  interesting  people  in  certain  lines 
would  be  present,  and  would  mix  with 
outsiders,  who  should  be  admitted  only  on 
payment  of  a  certain  sum  of  money.  The 
commonplace  inhabitants  of  this  country 
could  thus  meet  the  truly  great ;  and  if  I 
know  them  well,  as  I  think  I  do,  they'll 
pay  readily  for  the  privilege.  The  ob 
scure  love  to  rub  up  against  the  famous 
here  as  well  as  they  do  on  earth." 

"  You'd  run  a  sort  of  Social  Zoo  ?"  sug 
gested  Elizabeth. 

"Precisely;  and  provide  entertainment 
for  private  residences  too.  An  advertise 
ment  in  BoswelFs  paper,  which  everybody 
buys — " 

"  And  which  nobody  reads,"  said  Por 
tia. 

"  They  read  the  advertisements,"  re 
torted  Madame  Kecamier.  "As  I  was 
saying,  an  advertisement  could  be  placed 
in  BoswelFs  paper  as  follows  :  '  Are  you 


68  THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

giving  a  Function  ?  Do  you  want  Talent? 
Get  your  Genius  at  the  Recamier  Salon 
(Limited).'  It  would  be  simply  magnifi 
cent  as  a  business  enterprise.  The  com 
mon  herd  would  be  tickled  to  death  if 
they  could  get  great  people  at  their 
homes,  even  if  they  had  to  pay  roundly 
for  them." 

"  It  would  look  well  in  the  society 
notes,  wouldn't  it,  if  Mr.  John  Boggs 
gave  a  reception,  and  at  the  close  of  the 
account  it  said,  '  The  supper  was  fur 
nished  by  Calizetti,  and  the  genius  by  the 
Recamier  Salon  (Limited)'  ?"  suggested 
Elizabeth,  scornfully. 

"  I  must  admit,"  replied  the  French 
lady,  "  that  you  call  up  an  unpleasant 
possibility,  but  I  don't  really  see  what 
else  we  can  do  if  we  want  to  preserve  the 
salon  idea.  Somebody  has  told  these 
talented  people  that  they  have  a  com 
mercial  value,  and  they  are  availing  them 
selves  of  the  demand." 

"  It  is  a  sad  age  !"  sighed  Elizabeth. 

"Well,  all  I've  got  to  say  is  just  this," 


ON    BOARD    THE    HOUSE-BOAT  89 

put  in  Xanthippe  :  "  Yon  people  who  get 
up  functions  have  brought  this  condition 
of  affairs  on  yourselves.  You  were  not 
satisfied  to  go  ahead  and  indulge  your 
passion  for  lions  in  a  moderate  fashion. 
Take  the  case  of  Demosthenes  last  winter, 
for  instance.  His  wife  told  me  that  he 
dined  at  home  three  times  during  the 
winter.  The  rest  of  the  time  he  was  out, 
here,  there,  and  everywhere,  making  after- 
dinner  speeches.  The  saving  on  his  din 
ner  bills  didn't  pay  his  pebble  account, 
much  less  remunerate  him  for  his  time, 
and  the  fearful  expense  of  nervous  en 
ergy  to  which  he  was  subjected.  It  was 
as  much  as  she  could  do,  she  said,  to 
keep  him  from  shaving  one  side  of  his 
head,  so  that  he  couldn't  go  out,  the 
way  he  used  to  do  in  Athens  when  he 
was  afraid  he  would  be  invited  out  and 
couldn't  scare  up  a  decent  excuse  for  re 
fusing." 

"  Did  he  do  that  ?"  cried  Elizabeth, 
with  a  roar  of  laughter. 

"So  the  cyclopaedias  say.     It's  a  good 


70          THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

plan,  too/'  said  Xanthippe.  "Though 
Socrates  never  had  to  do  it.  When  I  got 
the  notion  Socrates  was  going  out  too 
much,  I  used  to  hide  his  dress  clothes. 
Then  there  was  the  case  of  Rubens.  He 
gave  a  Carbon  Talk  at  the  Sforza's  Thurs 
day  Night  Club,  merely  to  oblige  Madame 
Sforza,  and  three  weeks  later  discovered 
that  she  had  sold  his  pictures  to  pay  for 
her  gown  !  You  people  simply  run  it  into 
the  ground.  You  kill  the  goose  that  when 
taken  at  the  flood  leads  on  to  fortune.  It 
advertises  you,  does  the  lion  no  good,  and 
he  is  expected  to  be  satisfied  with  confec 
tionery,  material  and  theoretical.  If  they 
are  getting  tired  of  candy  and  compli 
ments,  it's  because  you  have  forced  too 
much  of  it  upon  them." 

"They  like  it,  just  the  same," retorted 
Recamier.  "  A  genius  likes  nothing  bet 
ter  than  the  sound  of  his  own  voice,  when 
he  feels  that  it  is  falling  on  aristocratic 
ears.  The  social  laurel  rests  pleasantly 
on  many  a  noble  brow." 

"True," said  Xanthippe.     "  But  when 


u»  v     /-TLX/  ** 
,.--3r 

r      •     a> 


"THE  HARD  FEATURES  OF  KIDD  WERE  THRUST  THROUGH" 


ON    BOARD    THE    HOUSE-BOAT  71 

a  man  gets  a  pile  of  Christmas  wreaths  a 
mile  high  on  his  head,  he  begins  to  won 
der  what  they  will  bring  on  the  market. 
An  occasional  wreath  is  very  nice,  but  by 
the  ton  they  are  apt  to  weigh  on  his  mind. 
Up  to  a  certain  point  notoriety  is  like  a 
woman,  and  a  man  is  apt  to  love  it ;  but 
when  it  becomes  exacting,  demanding  in 
stead  of  permitting  itself  to  be  courted,  it 
loses  its  charm." 

"  That  is  Socratic  in  its  wisdom,"  smiled 
Portia. 

"But  Xanthippic  in  its  origin/'  return 
ed  Xanthippe.  "  No  man  ever  gave  me 
my  ideas." 

As  Xanthippe  spoke,  Lucretia  Borgia 
burst  into  the  room. 

"  Hurry  and  save  yourselves!"  she  cried. 
"  The  boat  has  broken  loose  from  her 
moorings,  and  is  floating  down  the  stream. 
If  we  don't  hurry  up  and  do  something, 
we'll  drift  out  to  sea  !" 

"What!"  cried  Cleopatra,  dropping 
her  cue  in  terror,  and  rushing  for  the 
stairs.  "  I  was  certain  I  felt  a  slight 


72          THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

motion.  Yon  said  it  was  the  wash  from 
one  of  Charon's  barges,  Elizabeth." 

"  I  thought  it  was/'  said  Elizabeth,  fol 
lowing  closely  after. 

"  Well,  it  wasn't,"  moaned  Lncretia 
Borgia.  "  Calpurnia  jnst  looked  out  of 
the  window  and  discovered  that  we  were 
in  mid-stream." 

The  ladies  crowded  anxiously  about  the 
stair  and  attempted  to  ascend,  Cleopatra 
in  the  van  ;  but  as  the  Egyptian  Queen 
reached  the  doorway  to  the  upper  deck, 
the  door  opened,  and  the  hard  features 
of  Captain  Kidd  were  thrust  roughly 
through,  and  his  strident  voice  rang  out 
through  the  gathering  gloom.  "Pipe 
my  eye  for  a  sardine  if  we  haven't  capt 
ured  a  female  seminary  !"  he  cried. 

And  one  by  one  the  ladies,  in  terror, 
shrank  back  into  the  billiard-room,  while 
Kidd,  overcome  by  surprise,  slammed  the 
door  to,  and  retreated  into  the  darkness 
of  the  forward  deck  to  consult  with  his 
followers  as  to  "what  next." 


A   CONFERENCE  ON   DECK 

"HERE'S  a  kettle  of  fish  !"  said  Kidd, 
pulling  his  chin  whisker  in  perplexity  as 
he  and  his  fellow-pirates  gathered  about 
the  capstan  to  discuss  the  situation.  "Fm 
blessed  if  in  all  my  experience  I  ever  sailed 
athwart  anything  like  it  afore  !  Pirating 
with  a  lot  of  low-down  ruffians  like  you 
gentlemen  is  bad  enough,  but  on  a  craft 
loaded  to  the  water's  edge  with  advanced 
women —  I've  half  a  mind  to  turn  back." 

"If  you  do,  you  swim — we'll  not  turn 
back  with  you/'  retorted  Abeuchapeta, 
whom,  in  honor  of  his  prowess,  Kidd  had 
appointed  executive  officer  of  the  House 
boat.  "  I  have  no  desire  to  be  mutinous, 
Captain  Kidd,  but  I  have  not  embarked 
upon  this  enterprise  for  a  pleasure  sail 


74  THE    PURSUIT    OF  THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

down  the  Styx.  I  am  out  for  business. 
If  you  had  thirty  thousand  women  on 
board,  still  should  I  not  turn  back." 

"  But  what  shall  we  do  with  'em  ?" 
pleaded  Kidd.  "  Where  can  we  go  with 
out  attracting  attention  ?  Who's  going 
to  feed  'em  ?  Who's  going  to  dress  'em  ? 
Who's  going  to  keep  'em  in  bonnets  ? 
You  don't  know  anything  about  these 
creatures,  my  dear  Abeuchapeta  ;  and,  by- 
the-way,  can't  we  arbitrate  that  name  of 
yours  ?  It  would  be  fearful  to  remember 
in  the  excitement  of  a  fight." 

"  Call  him  Ab,"  suggested  Sir  Henry 
Morgan,  with  an  ill-concealed  sneer,  for 
he  was  deeply  jealous  of  Abeuchapeta's 
preferral. 

"  If  you  do  I'll  call  you  Morgue,  and 
change  your  appearance  to  fit,"  retorted 
Abeuchapeta,  angrily. 

"  By  the  beards  of  all  my  sainted  Buc 
caneers,"  began  Morgan,  springing  angrily 
to  his  feet,  "  I'll  have  your  life  !" 

"  Gentlemen  !  Gentlemen  —  my  noble 
ruffians!"  expostulated  Kidd.  "Come, 


HKKK'S  A  KKTIXK  OF  FISH,'  SAID  KIDD  " 


A    CONFERENCE    ON    DECK  75 

come ;  this  will  never  do!  I  must  have 
no  quarrelling  among  my  aides.  This  is 
no  time  for  divisions  in  our  councils.  An 
entirely  unexpected  element  has  entered 
into  our  affairs,  and  it  behooveth  us  to 
act  in  concert.  It  is  no  light  matter — " 

"Excuse  me,  captain,"  said  Abeuchape- 
ta,  "  but  that  is  where  you  and  I  do  not 
agree.  We've  got  our  ship  and  we've  got 
our  crew,  and  in  addition  we  find  that 
the  Fates  have  thrown  in  a  hundred  or 
more  women  to  act  as  ballast.  Now  I,  for 
one,  do  not  fear  a  woman.  We  can  set 
them  to  work.  There  is  plenty  for  them 
to  do  keeping  things  tidy  ;  and  if  we  get 
into  a  very  hard  fight,  and  come  out  of 
the  melee  somewhat  the  worse  for  wear, 
it  will  be  a  blessing  to  have  'em  along  to 
mend  our  togas,  sew  buttons  on  our  uni 
forms,  and  darn  our  hosiery." 

Morgan  laughed  sarcastically.  "  When 
did  you  flourish,  if  ever,  colonel  ?"  he 
asked. 

"  Do  you  refer  to  me  ?"  queried  Abeu- 
chapeta,  with  a  frown. 


76          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"  You  have  guessed  correctly,"  replied 
Morgan,  icily.  "I  have  quite  forgotten 
your  date  ;  were  you  a  success  in  the  year 
one,  or  when  ?" 

"Admiral  Abeuchapeta,  Sir  Henry," 
interposed  Kidd,  fearing  a  further  out 
break  of  hostilities — "  Admiral  Abeucha 
peta  was  the  terror  of  the  seas  in  the 
seventh  century,  and  what  he  undertook 
to  do  he  did,  and  his  piratical  enterprises 
were  carried  on  on  a  scale  of  magnificence 
which  is  without  parallel  off  the  comic- 
opera  stage.  He  never  went  forth  with 
out  at  least  seventy  galleys  and  a  hundred 
other  vessels." 

Abeuchapeta  drew  himself  up  proudly. 

"  Six-ninety-eight  was  my  great  year," 
he  said. 

"  That's  what  I  thought,"  said  Morgan. 
"  That  is  to  say,  you  got  your  ideas  of 
women  twelve  hundred  years  ago,  and  the 
ladies  have  changed  somewhat  since  that 
time.  I  have  great  respect  for  you,  sir, 
as  a  ruffian.  I  have  no  doubt  that  as  a 
ruffian  you  are  a  complete  success,  but 


A    CONFERENCE    ON    DECK  77 

when  it  comes  to  '  f eminology '  you  are 
sailing  in  unknown  waters.  The  study  of 
women,  my  dear  Abeuchadnezzar — " 

"  Peta,"  retorted  Abeuchapeta,  irrita- 
bly. 

"I  stand  corrected.  The  study  of 
women,  my  dear  Peter,"  said  Morgan, 
with  a  wink  at  Conrad,  which  fortunate 
ly  the  seventh-century  pirate  did  not  see, 
else  there  would  have  been  an  open  break 
— "  the  study  of  women  is  more  difficult 
than  that  of  astronomy;  there  maybe  two 
stars  alike,  but  all  women  are  unique. 
Because  she  was  this,  that,  or  the  other 
thing  in  your  day  does  not  prove  that  she 
is  any  one  of  those  things  in  our  day — in 
fact,  it  proves  the  contrary.  Why,  I  vent 
ure  even  to  say  that  no  individual  wom 
an  is  alike." 

"  That's  rather  a  hazy  thought,"  said 
Kidd,  scratching  his  head  in  a  puzzled 
sort  of  way. 

"I  mean  that  she's  different  from  her 
self  at  different  times,"  said  Morgan. 
"  What  is  it  the  poet  called  her  ? — '  an 


78          THE    PURSUIT    OF  THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

infinite  variety  show,'  or  something  of 
that  sort ;  a  perpetual  vaudeville — a  con 
tinuous  performance,  as  it  were,  from 
twelve  to  twelve." 

"Morgan  is  right,  admiral!"  put  in 
Conrad  the  corsair,  acting  temporarily  as 
bo'sun.  "  The  times  are  sadly  changed, 
and  woman  is  no  longer  what  she  was. 
She  is  hardly  what  she  is,  much  less  what 
she  was.  The  Eoman  Gynaeceum  would 
be  an  impossibility  to-day.  You  might  as 
well  expect  Delilah  to  open  a  barber-shop 
on  board  this  boat  as  ask  any  of  these 
advanced  females  below-stairs  to  sew  but 
tons  on  a  pirate's  uniform  after  a  fray,  or 
to  keep  the  fringe  on  his  epaulets  curled. 
They're  no  longer  sewing-machines — they 
are  Keeley  motors  for  mystery  and  per 
petual  motion.  Women  have  views  now 
— they  are  no  longer  content  to  be  looked 
at  merely  ;  they  must  see  for  themselves  ; 
and  the  more  they  see,  the  more  they  wish 
to  domesticate  man  and  emancipate  wom 
an.  It's  my  private  opinion  that  if  we 
are  to  get  along  with  them  at  all  the  best 


A    CONFERENCE    ON    DECK  79 

thing  to  do  is  to  let  'em  alone.  I  have  al 
ways  found  I  was  better  off  in  the  abstract, 
and  if  this  question  is  going  to  be  settled 
in  a  purely  democratic  fashion  by  submit 
ting  it  to  a  vote,  I'll  vote  for  any  measure 
which  involves  leaving  them  strictly  to 
themselves.  They're  nothing  but  a  lot  of 
ghosts  anyhow,  like  ourselves,  and  we 
can  pretend  we  don't  see  them." 

"  If  that  could  be,  it  would  be  excel 
lent,"  said  Morgan  ;  "  but  it  is  impossi 
ble.  For  a  pirate  of  the  Byronic  order, 
my  dear  Conrad,  you  are  strangely  un 
versed  in  the  ways  of  the  sex  which  cheers 
but  not  inebriates.  We  can  no  more  ig 
nore  their  presence  upon  this  boat  than 
we  can  expect  whales  to  spout  kerosene. 
In  the  first  place,  it  would  be  excessively 
impolite  of  us  to  cut  them — to  decline  to 
speak  to  them  if  they  should  address  us. 
We  may  be  pirates,  ruffians,  cutthroats, 
but  I  hope  we  shall  never  forget  that  we 
are  gentlemen." 

"  The  whole  situation  is  rather  con 
trary  to  etiquette,  don't  you  think  ?"  sug- 


80  THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

gested  Conrad.  "  There's  nobody  to  in 
troduce  us,  and  I  can't  really  see  how  we 
can  do  otherwise  than  ignore  them.  I 
certainly  am  not  going  to  stand  on  deck 
and  make  eyes  at  them,  to  try  and  pick 
up  an  acquaintance  with  them,  even  if  I 
am  of  a  Byronic  strain." 

"You  forget,"  said  Kidd,  "two  essen 
tial  features  of  the  situation.  These 
women  are  at  present  —  or  shortly  will 
be,  when  they  realize  their  situation — 
in  distress,  and  a  true  gentleman  may 
always  fly  to  the  rescue  of  a  distressed 
female;  and,  the  second  point,  we  shall 
soon  be  on  the  seas,  and  I  understand 
that  on  the  fashionable  transatlantic  lines 
it  is  now  considered  de  rigueur  to  speak 
to  anybody  you  choose  to.  The  intro 
duction  business  isn't  going  to  stand  in 
my  way." 

"Well,  may  I  ask,"  put  in  Abeuchapeta, 
"  just  what  it  is  that  is  worrying  you  ? 
You  said  something  about  feeding  them, 
and  dressing  them,  and  keeping  them  in 
bonnets.  I  fancy  there's  fish  enough  in 


A    CONFERENCE    ON    DECK  81 

the  sea  to  feed  'em ;  and  as  for  their 
gowns  and  hats,  they  can  make  'em  them 
selves.  Every  woman  is  a  milliner  at 
heart." 

"  Exactly,  and  we'll  have  to  pay  the 
milliners.  That  is  what  bothers  me.  I 
was  going  to  lead  this  expedition  to 
London,  Paris,  and  New  York,  admiral. 
That  is  where  the  money  is,  and  to  get  it 
you've  got  to  go  ashore,  to  headquarters. 
You  cannot  nowadays  find  it  on  the  high 
seas.  Modern  civilization,"  said  Kidd, 
"has  ruined  the  pirate's  business.  The 
latest  news  from  the  other  world  has 
really  opened  my  eyes  to  certain  facts 
that  I  never  dreamed  of.  The  conditions 
of  the  day  of  which  I  speak  are  interest 
ingly  shown  in  the  experience  of  our 
friend  Hawkins  here.  Captain  Hawkins, 
would  you  have  any  objection  to  stating 
to  these  gentlemen  the  condition  of  affairs 
which  led  you  to  give  up  piracy  on  the 
high  seas  ?" 

"Not  the  slightest,  Captain  Kidd,"  re 
turned  Captain  Hawkins,  who  was  a  re- 


82          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

cent  arrival  in  Hades.  "  It  is  a  sad  little 
story,  and  it  gives  me  a  pain  for  to  think 
on  it,  but  none  the  less  I'll  tell  it,  since 
you  ask  me.  When  I  were  a  mere  boy, 
fellow -pirates,  I  had  but  one  ambition, 
due  to  my  readin',  which  was  confined  to 
stories  of  a  Sunday-school  nater — to  be 
come  somethin'  different  from  the  little 
Willies  an'  the  clever  Tommies  what  I 
read  about  therein.  They  was  all  good, 
an'  they  went  to  their  reward  too  soon  in 
life  for  me,  who  even  in  them  days  re 
garded  death  as  a  stuffy  an'  unpleasant 
diversion.  Learnin'  at  an  early  period 
that  virtue  was  its  only  reward,  an'  a-wish- 
in'  others,  I  says  to  myself  :  '  Jim,'  says  I, 
'if  you  wishes  to  become  a  magnet  in  this 
village,  be  sinful.  If  so  be  as  you  are  a 
good  boy,  an'  kind  to  your  sister  an'  all 
other  animals,  you'll  end  up  as  a  prosper 
ous  father  with  fifteen  hundred  a  year 
sure,  with  never  no  hope  for  no  public 
preferment  beyond  bein'  made  the  super 
intendent  of  the  Sunday-school ;  but  if 
so  be  as  how  you're  bad,  you  may  become 


A    CONFERENCE    ON    DECK  83 

famous,  an'  go  to  Congress,  an'  have  your 
picture  in  the  Sunday  noospapers/  So  I 
looks  around  for  books  tellin'  how  to  get 
'  Famous  in  Fifty  Ways/  an'  after  due  re 
flection  I  settles  in  my  mind  that  to  be  a 
pirate's  just  the  thing  for  me,  seem'  as 
how  it's  both  profitable  an'  healthy.  Pass- 
in'  over  details,  let  me  tell  you  that  I  be 
came  a  pirate.  I  ran  away  to  sea,  an'  by 
dint  of  perseverance,  as  the  Sunday-school 
books  useter  say,  in  my  badness  I  soon  be 
came  the  centre  of  a  evil  lot ;  an'  when  I 
says  to  'em,  '  Boys,  I  wants  to  be  a  pirate 
chief,'  they  hollers  back,  loud  like,  '  Jim, 
we're  with  you,'  an'  they  was.  For  years 
I  was  the  terror  of  the  Venezuelan  Gulf, 
the  Spanish  Main,  an'  the  Pacific  seas,  but 
there  was  precious  little  money  into  it. 
The  best  pay  I  got  was  from  a  Sunday 
noospaper,  which  paid  me  well  to  sign  an 
article  on  '  Modern  Piracy '  which  I  didn't 
write.  Finally  business  got  so  bad  the 
crew  began  to  murmur,  an'  I  was  at  my 
wits'  ends  to  please  'em ;  when  one  niorn- 
in',  havin'  passed  a  restless  night,  I  picks 


84          THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

up  a  noospaper  and  sees  in  it  that  '  Next 
Saturday's  steamer  is  a  weritable  treasure- 
ship,  takin'  out  twelve  million  dollars,  and 
the  jewels  of  a  certain  prima  donna  valued 
at  five  hundred  thousand.'  '  Here's  my 
chance/  says  I,  an'  I  goes  to  sea  and  lies 
in  wait  for  the  steamer.  I  captures  her 
easy,  my  crew  bein'  hungry,  an'  fightin' 
according  like.  We  steals  the  box  a-hold- 
in'  the  jewels  an'  the  bag  containin'  the 
millions,  hustles  back  to  our  own  ship, 
an'  makes  for  our  rondyvoo,  me  with  two 
bullets  in  my  leg,  four  o'  my  crew  killed, 
and  one  engin'  of  my  ship  disabled  by  a 
shot — but  happy.  Twelve  an'  a  half  mill 
ions  at  one  break  is  enough  to  make  any 
body  happy." 

"  I  should  say  so,"  said  Abeuchapeta, 
with  an  ecstatic  shake  of  his  head.  "I 
didn't  get  that  in  all  my  career." 

"Nor  I,"  sighed  Kidd.  "But  go  on, 
Hawkins." 

"  Well,  as  I  says,"  continued  Captain 
Hawkins,  "we  goes  to  the  rondyvoo  to 
look  over  our  booty.  *  Captain  'Awkins,' 


A    CONFERENCE    ON    DECK  85 

says  my  valet — for  I  was  a  swell  pirate, 
gents,  an"  never  travelled  nowhere  without 
a  man  to  keep  my  clothes  brushed  and  the 
proper  wrinkles  in  my  trousers — 'this  'ere 
twelve  millions/ says  he,  fis  werry  light/ 
says  he,  carryin'  the  bag  ashore.  '  I  don't 
care  how  light  it  is,  so  long  as  it's  twelve 
millions,  Henderson/  says  I ;  but  my 
heart  sinks  inside  o'  me  at  his  words,  an' 
the  minute  we  lands  I  sits  down  to  in 
vestigate  right  there  on  the  beach.  I 
opens  the  bag,  an'  it's  the  one  I  was  after 
— but  the  twelve  millions !" 

"  Weren't  there  ?"  cried  Conrad. 

"Yes,  they  was  there,"  sighed  Hawkins, 
"  but  every  bloomin'  million  was  repre 
sented  by  a  certified  check,  an'  payable  in 
London  I" 

"  By  Jingo  !"  cried  Morgan.  ( '  What 
fearful  luck !  But  you  had  the  prima 
donna's  jewels." 

"  Yes,"  said  Hawkins,  with  a  moan. 
"  But  they  was  like  all  other  prima  don 
na's  jewels — for  advertisin'  purposes  only, 
an'  made  o'  gum-arabic  !" 


86          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"  Horrible  !"  said  Abeuchapeta.  "  And 
the  crew,  what  did  they  say  ?" 

"  They  was  a  crew  of  a  few  words," 
sighed  Hawkins.  "  Werry  few  words,  an' 
not  a  civil  word  in  the  lot — mostly  adjec 
tives  of  a  profane  kind.  When  I  told  'em 
what  had  happened,  they  got  mad  at  Fort 
une  for  a-jiltin'  of  'em,  an' — well,  I  came 
here.  I  was  'sas'inated  that  werry  night!" 

"  They  killed  yon  ?"  cried  Morgan. 

"  A  dozen  times,"  nodded  Hawkins. 
"They  always  was  a  lavish  lot.  I  met 
death  in  all  its  most  horrid  forms.  First 
they  stabbed  me,  then  they  shot  me,  then 
they  clubbed  me,  and  so  on,  endin'  up  with 
a  lynchin' — but  I  didn't  mind  much  after 
the  first,  which  hurt  a  bit.  But  now  that 
I'm  here  I'm  glad  it  happened.  This  life 
is  sort  of  less  responsible  than  that  other. 
You  can't  hurt  a  ghost  by  shooting  him, 
because  there  ain't  nothing  to  hurt,  an'  I 
must  say  I  like  bein'  a  mere  vision  what 
everybody  can  see  through." 

"All  of  which  interesting  tale  proves 
what  ?"  queried  Abeuchapeta. 


A    CONFERENCE    ON    DECK  87 

"  That  piracy  on  the  sea  is  not  profita 
ble  in  these  days  of  the  check  banking 
system,"  said  Kidd.  "If  yon  can  get  a 
chance  at  real  gold  it's  all  right,  but  it's 
of  no  earthly  use  to  steal  checks  that  peo 
ple  can  stop  payment  on.  Therefore  it 
was  my  plan  to  visit  the  cities  and  do  a 
little  freebooting  there,  where  solid  ma 
terial  wealth  is  to  be  found." 

"Well  ?  Can't  we  do  it  now?"  asked 
Abeuchapeta. 

"Not  with  these  women  tagging  after 
us,"  returned  Kidd.  "  If  we  went  to 
London  and  lifted  the  whole  Bank  of 
England,  these  women  would  have  it  spent 
on  Eegent  Street  inside  of  twenty-four 
hours." 

"  Then  leave  them  on  board,"  said 
Abeuchapeta. 

"  And  have  them  steal  the  ship  !"  re 
torted  Kidd.  "  No.  There  are  but  two 
things  to  do.  Take  'em  back,  or  land 
them  in  Paris.  Tell  them  to  spend  a 
week  on  shore  while  we  are  provisioning. 
Tell  'em  to  shop  to  their  hearts'  content, 


88          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

and  while  they  are  doing  it  we  can  sneak 
off  and  leave  them  stranded." 

"Splendid!"  cried  Morgan. 

"  But  will  they  consent  ?"  asked  Abeu- 
chapeta. 

"  Consent !  To  shop  ?  In  Paris  ?  For 
a  week  ?"  cried  Morgan. 

"Ha,  ha!"  laughed  Hawkins.  "Wjll 
they  consent !  Will  a  dnck  swim  ?" 

And  so  it  was  decided,  which  was  the 
first  incident  in  the  career  of  the  House 
boat  upon  which  the  astute  Mr.  Sherlock 
Holmes  had  failed  to  count. 


VI 

A   CONFERENCE  BELOW-STAIRS 

WHEN,  with  a  resounding  slam,  the 
door  to  the  upper  deck  of  the  House-boat 
was  shut  in  the  faces  of  queens  Elizabeth 
and  Cleopatra  by  the  unmannerly  Kidd, 
these  ladies  turned  and  gazed  at  those 
who  thronged  the  stairs  behind  them  in 
blank  amazement,  and  the  heart  of  Xan 
thippe,  had  one  chosen  to  gaze  through 
that  diaphanous  person's  ribs,  could  have 
been  seen  to  beat  angrily. 

Queen  Elizabeth  was  so  excited  at  this 
wholly  novel  attitude  towards  her  regal 
self  that,  having  turned,  she  sat  down 
plump  upon  the  floor  in  the  most  unroyal 
fashion. 

"Well  I"  she  ejaculated.  "If  this  does 
not  surpass  everything  !  The  idea  of  it ! 


90          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

Oh  for  one  hour  of  my  olden  power, 
one  hour  of  the  axe,  one  hour  of  the 
block  !" 

"Get  up," retorted  Cleopatra,  "and  let 
us  all  return  to  the  billiard-room  and  dis 
cuss  this  matter  calmly.  It  is  quite  evi 
dent  that  something  has  happened  of 
which  we  wotted  little  when  we  came 
aboard  this  craft/' 

"  That  is  a  good  idea,"  said  Calpurnia, 
retreating  below.  "  I  can  see  through 
the  window  that  we  are  in  motion.  The 
vessel  has  left  her  moorings,  and  is  mak 
ing  considerable  headway  down  the  stream, 
and  the  distinctly  masculine  voices  we 
have  heard  are  indications  to  my  mind 
that  the  ship  is  manned,  and  that  this  is 
the  result  of  design  rather  than  of  acci 
dent.  Let  us  below." 

Elizabeth  rose  up  and  readjusted  her 
ruff,  which  in  the  excitement  of  the  mo 
ment  had  been  forced  to  assume  a  posi 
tion  about  her  forehead  which  gave  one 
the  impression  that  its  royal  wearer  had 
suddenly  donned  a  sombrero. 


A    CONFERENCE    BELOW-STAIRS  91 

"  Very  well/'  she  said.  "  Let  us  be 
low  ;  but  oh,  for  the  axe  I" 

"  Bring  the  lady  an  axe/'  cried  Xan 
thippe,  sarcastically.  "  She  wants  to  cut 
somebody." 

The  sally  was  not  greeted  with  applanse. 
The  situation  was  regarded  as  being  too 
serious  to  admit  of  humor,  and  in  silence 
they  filed  back  into  the  billiard-room,  and, 
arranging  themselves  in  groups,  stood 
about  anxiously  discussing  the  situa 
tion. 

"  It's  getting  rougher  every  minute," 
sobbed  Ophelia.  "Look  at  those  pool- 
balls  !"  These  were  in  very  truth  chas 
ing  each  other  about  the  table  in  an  ex 
traordinary  fashion.  "  And  I  wish  I'd 
never  followed  you  horrid  new  creatures 
on  board  !"  the  poor  girl  added,  in  an 
agony  of  despair. 

"I  believe  we've  crossed  the  bar  al 
ready  !"  said  Cleopatra,  gazing  out  of  the 
window  at  a  nasty  choppy  sea  that  was 
adding  somewhat  to  the  disquietude  of 
the  fair  gathering.  "  If  this  is  merely  a 


92          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

joke  on  the  part  of  the  Associated  Shades, 
it  is  a  mighty  poor  one,  and  I  think  it  is 
time  it  should  cease." 

"  Oh,  for  an  axe  I"  moaned  Elizabeth, 
again. 

"Excuse  me,  your  Majesty,"  put  in 
Xanthippe.  "  You  said  that  before,  and 
I  must  say  it  is  getting  tiresome.  You 
couldn't  do  anything  with  an  axe.  Sup 
pose  you  had  one.  What  earthly  good 
would  it  do  you,  who  were  accustomed  to 
doing  all  your  killing  by  proxy  ?  I  don't 
believe,  if  you  had  the  unmannerly  person 
who  slammed  the  door  in  your  face  lying 
prostrate  upon  the  billiard-table  here,  you 
could  hit  him  a  square  blow  in  the  neck 
if  you  had  a  hundred  axes.  Delilah 
might  as  well  cry  for  her  scissors,  for  all 
the  good  it  would  do  us  in  our  predica 
ment.  If  Cleopatra  had  her  asp  with  her 
it  might  be  more  to  the  purpose.  One 
deadly  little  snake  like  that  let  loose  on 
the  upper  deck  would  doubtless  drive 
these  boors  into  the  sea,  and  even  then 
our  condition  would  not  be  bettered,  for 


A    CONFERENCE    BELOW-STAIRS  93 

there  isn't  any  of  us  that  can  sail  a  boat. 
There  isn't  an  old  salt  among  ns. 

"  Too  bad  Mrs.  Lot  isn't  along,"  gig 
gled  Marguerite  de  Valois,  whose  Gallic 
spirits  were  by  no  means  overshadowed  by 
the  unhappy  predicament  in  which  she 
found  herself. 

"I'm  here/'piped  up  Mrs.  Lot.  "But 
I'm  not  that  kind  of  a  salt." 

"  I  am  present,"  said  Mrs.  Noah. 
"  Though  why  I  ever  came  I  don't  know, 
for  I  vowed  the  minute  I  set  my  foot  on 
Ararat  that  dry  land  was  good  enough  for 
me,  and  that  I'd  never  step  aboard  an 
other  boat  as  long  as  I  lived.  If,  how 
ever,  now  that  I  am  here,  I  can  give  you 
the  benefit  of  my  nautical  experience, 
you  are  all  perfectly  welcome  to  it." 

"I'm  sure  we're  very  much  obliged 
for  the  offer,"  said  Portia,  "  but  in  the 
emergency  which  has  arisen  we  cannot 
say  how  much  obliged  we  are  until  we 
know  what  your  experience  amounted  to. 
Before  relying  upon  you  we  ought  to 
know  how  far  that  reliance  can  go — not 


94          THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

that  I  lack  confidence  in  you,  my  dear 
madam,  but  that  in  an  hour  of  peril  one 
must  take  care  to  rely  upon  the  oak,  not 
upon  the  reed." 

"  The  point  is  properly  taken/'  said 
Elizabeth,  "and  I  wish  to  say  here  that  I 
am  easier  in  my  mind  when  I  realize  that 
we  have  with  us  so  level-headed  a  person 
as  the  lady  who  has  just  spoken.  She 
has  spoken  truly  and  to  the  point.  If  I 
were  to  become  queen  again,  I  should 
make  her  my  attorney-general.  We  must 
not  go  ahead  impulsively,  but  look  at  all 
things  in  a  calm,  judicial  manner." 

"  Which  is  pretty  hard  work  with  a  sea 
like  this  on,"  remarked  Ophelia,  faintly, 
for  she  was  getting  a  trifle  sallow,  as  in 
deed  she  might,  for  the  House-boat  was 
beginning  to  roll  tremendously,  with  no 
alleviation  save  an  occasional  pitch,  which 
was  an  alleviation  only  in  the  sense  that  it 
gave  variety  to  their  discomfort.  "  I  don't 
believe  a  chief -justice  could  look  at  things 
calmly  and  in  a  judicial  manner  if  he  felt 
as  I  do." 


A    CONFERENCE    BELOW-STAIRS  95 

' '  Poor  dear  I"  said  the  matronly  Mrs. 
Noah,  sympathetically.  "  I  know  exactly 
how  yon  feel.  I  have  been  there  myself. 
The  fourth  day  out  I  and  my  whole  family 
were  in  the  same  condition,  except  that 
Noah,  my  husband,  was  so  very  far  gone 
that  I  could  not  afford  to  yield.  I  nursed 
him  for  six  days  before  he  got  his  sea-legs 
on,  and  then  succumbed  myself. " 

"  But,"  gasped  Ophelia,  "  that  doesn't 
help  me — " 

"It  did  my  husband," said  Mrs.  Noah. 
"  When  he  heard  that  the  boys  were  sea 
sick  too,  he  actually  laughed  and  began 
to  get  better  right  away.  There  is  really 
only  one  cure  for  the  mal  de  mer,  and  that 
is  the  fun  of  knowing  that  somebody  else 
is  suffering  too.  If  some  of  you  ladies 
would  kindly  yield  to  the  seductions  of 
the  sea,  I  think  we  could  get  this  poor 
girl  on  her  feet  in  an  instant." 

Unfortunately  for  poor  Ophelia,  there 
was  no  immediate  response  to  this  appeal, 
and  the  unhappy  young  woman  was  forced 
to  suffer  in  solitude. 


96          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"We  have  no  time  for  untimely  diver 
sions  of  this  sort/'  snapped  Xanthippe, 
with  a  scornful  glance  at  the  suffering 
Ophelia,  who,  having  retired  to  a  com 
fortable  lounge  at  an  end  of  the  room, 
was  evidently  improving.  "  I  have  no 
sympathy  with  this  habit  some  of  my  sex 
seem  to  have  acquired  of  succumbing  to 
an  immediate  sensation  of  this  nature." 

"  I  hope  to  be  pardoned  for  interrupt 
ing,"  said  Mrs.  Noah,  with  a  great  deal  of 
firmness,  "  but  I  wish  Mrs.  Socrates  to 
understand  that  it  is  rather  early  in  the 
voyage  for  her  to  lay  down  any  such  broad 
principle  as  that,  and  for  her  own  sake  to 
morrow,  I  think  it  would  be  well  if  she 
withdrew  the  sentiment.  There  are  cer 
tain  things  about  a  sea- voyage  that  are 
more  or  less  beyond  the  control  of  man 
or  woman,  and  any  one  who  chides  that 
poor  suffering  child  on  yonder  sofa  ought 
to  be  more  confident  than  Mrs.  Socrates 
can  possibly  be  that  within  an  hour  she 
will  not  be  as  badly  off.  People  who  live 
in  glass  houses  should  not  throw  dice." 


A    CONFERENCE    BELOW-STAIRS  97 

"  I  shall  never  yield  to  anything  so  un 
dignified  as  seasickness,  let  me  tell  yon 
that,"  retorted  Xanthippe.  "Further 
more,  the  proverb  is  not  as  the  lady  has 
quoted  it.  '  People  who  live  in  glass 
houses  should  not  throw  stones'  is  the 
proper  version." 

"  I  was  not  quoting,"  returned  Mrs. 
Noah,  calmly.  "When  I  said  that  people 
who  live  in  glass  houses  should  not  throw 
dice,  I  meant  precisely  what  I  said.  Peo 
ple  who  live  in  glass  houses  should  not 
take  chances.  In  assuming  with  such 
vainglorious  positiveness  that  she  will  not 
be  seasick,  the  lady  who  has  just  spoken 
is  giving  tremendous  odds,  as  the  boys 
used  to  say  on  the  Ark  when  we  gathered 
about  the  table  at  night  and  began  to 
make  small  wagers  on  the  day's  run." 

"  I  think  we  had  better  suspend  this 
discussion,"  suggested  Cleopatra.  "  It  is 
of  no  immediate  interest  to  any  one 
but  Ophelia,  and  I  fancy  she  does  not 
care  to  dwell  upon  it  at  any  great  length. 
It  is  more  important  that  we  should  de- 

7 


98          THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

cide  upon  our  future  course  of  action. 
In  the  first  place,  the  question  is  who 
these  people  up  on  deck  are.  If  they  are 
the  members  of  the  club,  we  are  all  right. 
They  will  give  us  our  scare,  and  land  us 
safely  again  at  the  pier.  In  that  event  it 
is  our  womanly  duty  to  manifest  no  con 
cern,  and  to  seem  to  be  aware  of  nothing 
unusual  in  the  proceeding.  It  would 
never  do  to  let  them  think  that  their  joke 
hag  been  a  good  one.  If,  on  the  other 
hand,  as  I  fear,  we  are  the  victims  of  some 
horde  of  ruffians,  who  have  pounced  upon 
us  unawares,  and  are  going  into  the  busi 
ness  of  abduction  on  a  wholesale  basis,  we 
must  meet  treachery  with  treachery,  strat 
egy  with  strategy.  I,  for  one,  am  per 
fectly  willing  to  make  every  man  on  board 
walk  the  plank,  having  confidence  in  the 
seawomanship  of  Mrs.  Noah  and  her  abil 
ity  to  steer  us  into  port." 

"  I  am  quite  in  accord  with  these 
views,"  put  in  Madame  Rccamier,  "and 
I  move  you,  Mrs.  President,  that  we  or 
ganize  a  series  of  subcommittees — one  on 


A    CONFERENCE    BELOW-STAIRS  99 

treachery,  with  Lncretia  Borgia  and  Deli 
lah  as  members  ;  one  on  strategy,  consist 
ing  of  Portia  and  Queen  Elizabeth ;  one 
on  navigation,  headed  by  Mrs.  Noah ;  with 
a  final  subcommittee  on  reconnoitre,  with 
Cassandra  to  look  forward,  and  Mrs.  Lot 
to  look  aft — all  of  these  subordinated  to 
a  central  committee  of  safety  headed  by 
Cleopatra  and  Calpurnia.  The  rest  of  us 
can  then  commit  ourselves  and  our  inter 
ests  unreservedly  to  these  ladies,  and  pro 
ceed  to  enjoy  ourselves  without  thought 
of  the  morrow. " 

"  I  second  the  motion,"  said  Ophelia, 
"  with  the  amendment  that  Madame  Re- 
camier  be  appointed  chair-lady  of  another 
subcommittee,  on  entertainment." 

The  amendment  was  accepted,  and  the 
motion  put.  It  was  carried  with  an  en 
thusiastic  aye,  and  the  organization  was 
complete. 

The  various  committees  retired  to  the 
several  corners  of  the  room  to  discuss 
their  individual  lines  of  action,  when  a 
shadow  was  observed  to  obscure  the 


100        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

moonlight  which  had  been  streaming  in 
through  the  window.  The  faces  of  Cai- 
purnia  and  Cleopatra  blanched  for  an  in 
stant,  as,  immediately  following  upon  this 
apparition,  a  large  bundle  was  hurled 
through  the  open  port  into  the  middle  of 
the  room,  and  the  shadow  vanished. 

"Is  it  a  bomb  ?"  cried  several  of  the 
ladies  at  once. 

"  Nonsense  I"  said  Madame  Recamier, 
jumping  lightly  forward.  "  A  man  doesn't 
mind  blowing  a  woman  up,  but  he'll  nev 
er  blow  himself  up.  We're  safe  enough 
in  that  respect.  The  thing  looks  to  me 
like  a  bundle  of  illustrated  papers." 

"  That's  what  it  is,"  said  Cleopatra,  who 
had  been  investigating.  "  It's  rather  a  dis 
courteous  bit  of  courtesy,  tossing  them  in 
through  the  window  that  way,  I  think, 
but  I  presume  they  mean  well.  Dear 
me,"  she  added,  as,  having  untied  the 
bundle,  she  held  one  of  the  open  papers 
np  before  her,  "how  interesting  !  All 
the  latest  Paris  fashions.  Humph  !  Look 
at  those  sleeves,  Elizabeth.  What  an  im- 


A    CONFERENCE    BELOW-STAIRS  101 

pregnable  fortress  yon  would  have  been 
with  those  sleeves  added  to  your  raffs  !" 

"  I  should  think  they'd  be  very  becom 
ing,"  put  in  Cassandra,  standing  on  her 
tiptoes  and  looking  over  Cleopatra's  shoul 
der.  "That  Watteau  isn't  bad,  either,  is 
it,  now  ?" 

"  No/'  remarked  Calpurnia.  "  I  won 
der  how  a  Watteau  back  like  that  would 
go  on  my  blue  alpaca  ?" 

"  Very  nicely,"  said  Elizabeth.  "  How 
many  gores  has  it  ?" 

"Five,"  observed  Calpurnia.  "One 
more  than  Caesar's  toga.  We  had  to 
have  our  costumes  distinct  in  some  way." 

"  A  remarkable  hat,  that,"  nodded  Mrs. 
Lot,  her  eye  catching  sight  of  a  Virot 
creation  at  the  top  of  the  page. 

"Eeminds  me  of  Eve's  description  of 
an  autumn  scene  in  the  garden,"  smiled 
Mrs.  Noah.  "  Gorgeous  in  its  foliage, 
beautiful  thing  ;  though  I  shouldn't  have 
dared  wear  one  in  the  Ark,  with  all  those 
hungry  animals  browsing  about  the  up 
per  and  lower  decks." 


102        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"I  wonder/'  remarked  Cleopatra,  as 
she  cocked  her  head  to  one  side  to  take 
in  the  full  effect  of  an  attractive  summer 
gown — "  I  wonder  how  that  waist  would 
make  up  in  blue  crepon,  with  a  yoke  of 
lace  and  a  stylishly  contrasting  stock  of 
satin  ribbon  ?" 

"It  would  depend  upon  how  you  fin 
ished  the  sleeves,"  remarked  Madame 
Recamier.  "  If  you  had  a  few  puffs  of 
rich  brocaded  satin  set  in  with  deeply 
folded  pleats  it  wouldn't  be  bad." 

"I  think  it  would  be  very  effective/' 
observed  Mrs.  Noah,  "  but  a  trifle  too 
light  for  general  wear.  I  should  want 
some  kind  of  a  wrap  with  it." 

"It  does  need  that,"  assented  Eliza 
beth.  "A  wrap  made  of  passementerie 
and  jet,  with  a  mousseline  de  soie  ruche 
about  the  neck  held  by  a  chou,  would 
make  it  fascinating." 

"  The  committee  on  treachery  is  ready 
to  report,"  said  Delilah,  rising  from  her 
corner,  where  she  and  Lucretia  Borgia 
had  been  having  so  animated  a  discussion 


"  '  THE    COMMITTEE    ON    TREACHEKY    IS    READY   TO    REPORT  '  '' 


A    CONFERENCE    BELOW-STAIRS  103 

that  they  had  failed  to  observe  the  others 
crowding  about  Cleopatra  and  the  papers. 

"  A  little  sombre/'  said  Cleopatra. 
"  The  corsage  is  effective,  but  I  don't  like 
those  basque  terminations.  I've  never 
approved  of  those  full  godets — 

"  The  committee  on  treachery/'  re 
marked  Delilah  again,  raising  her  voice, 
"has  a  suggestion  to  make." 

"I  can't  get  over  those  sleeves,  though," 
laughed  Helen  of  Troy.  "  What  is  the 
use  of  them  ?" 

"  They  might  be  used  to  get  Greeks 
into  Troy/' suggested  Madame  Recamier. 

"  The  committee  on  treachery,"  roared 
Delilah,  thoroughly  angered  by  the  absorp 
tion  of  the  chairman  and  others,  "has  a 
suggestion  to  make.  This  is  the  third 
and  last  call." 

"Oh,  I  beg  pardon,"  cried  Cleopatra, 
rapping  lor  order.  "  I  had  forgotten  all 
about  oar  committees.  Excuse  me,' Deli 
lah.  I — ah — was  absorbed  in  other  mat 
ters.  Will  you  kindly  lay  your  pattern — 
I  should  say  your  plan — before  us  ?" 


104        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"It  is  briefly  this,"  said  Delilah.  "It 
has  been  suggested  that  we  invite  the 
crew  of  this  vessel  to  a  chafing-dish  party, 
under  the  supervision  of  Lucretia  Borgia, 
and  that  she — " 

The  balance  of  the  plan  was  not  out 
lined,  for  at  this  point  the  speaker  was 
interrupted  by  a  loud  knocking  at  the 
door,  its  instant  opening,  and  the  appear 
ance  in  the  doorway  of  that  ill-visaged 
ruffian  Captain  Kidd. 

"  Ladies/'  he  began,  "  I  have  come  here 
to  explain  to  you  the  situation  in  which 
you  find  yourselves.  Have  I  your  per 
mission  to  speak  ?" 

The  ladies  started  back,  but  the  chair 
man  was  equal  to  the  occasion. 

"  Go  on,"  said  Cleopatra,  with  queenly 
dignity,  turning  to  the  interloper ;  and 
the  pirate  proceeded  to  take  the  second 
step  in  the  nefarious  plan  upon  which  he 
and  his  brother  ruffians  had  agreed,  of 
which  the  tossing  in  through  the  window 
of  the  bundle  of  fashion  papers  was  the 
first. 


VII 

THE  "GEHENNA"  is  CHARTERED 

IT  was  about  twenty-four  hours  after 
the  events  narrated  in  the  preceding 
chapters  that  Mr.  Sherlock  Holmes  as 
sumed  command  of  the  Gehenna,  which 
was  nothing  more  nor  less  than  the  shad 
ow  of  the  ill-starred  ocean  steamship  City 
of  Chicago,  which  tried  some  years  ago  to 
reach  Liverpool  by  taking  the  overland 
route  through  Ireland,  fortunately  with 
out  detriment  to  her  passengers  or  crew, 
who  had  the  pleasure  of  the  experience  of 
shipwreck  without  any  of  the  discomforts 
of  drowning.  As  will  be  remembered,  the 
obstructionist  nature  of  the  Irish  soil  pre 
vented  the  City  of  Chicago  from  proceed 
ing  farther  inland  than  was  necessary  to 
keep  her  well  balanced  amidships  upon  a 


106         THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

convenient  and  not  too  stony  bed  ;  and 
that  after  a  brief  sojourn  on  the  rocks 
she  was  finally  disposed  of  to  the  Styx 
Navigation  Company,  nnder  which  title 
Charon  had  had  himself  incorporated,  is 
a  matter  of  nautical  history.  The  change 
of  name  to  the  Gehenna  was  the  act  of 
Charon  himself,  and  was  prompted,  no 
doubt,  by  a  desire  to  soften  the  jealous 
prejudices  of  the  residents  of  the  Stygian 
capital  against  the  nourishing  and  ever 
growing  metropolis  of  Illinois. 

The  Associated  Shades  had  had  some 
trouble  in  getting  this  craft.  Charon, 
through  his  constant  association  with  life 
on  both  sides  of  the  dark  river,  had  gained 
a  knowledge,  more  or  less  intimate,  of 
modern  business  methods,  and  while  as 
janitor  of  the  club  he  was  subject  to  the 
will  of  the  House  Committee,  and  sym 
pathized  deeply  with  the  members  of  the 
association  in  their  trouble,  as  presi 
dent  of  the  Styx  Navigation  Company  he 
was  bound  up  in  certain  newly  attained 
commercial  ideas  which  were  embarrass- 


THE  "GEHENNA"  is  CHARTERED       107 

ing  to  those  members  of  the  association 
to  whose  hands  the  chartering  of  a  vessel 
had  been  committed. 

"See  here,  Charon,"  Sir  Walter  Kaleigh 
had  said,  after  Charon  had  expressed  him 
self  as  deeply  sympathetic,  but  unable  to 
shave  the  terms  upon  which  the  vessel 
could  be  had,  "  you  are  an  infernal  old 
hypocrite.  You  go  about  wringing  your 
hands  over  our  misfortunes  until  they've 
got  as  dry  and  flabby  as  a  pair  of  kid 
gloves,  and  yet  when  we  ask  you  for  a 
ship  of  suitable  size  and  speed  to  go  out 
after  those  pirates,  you  become  a  sort  of 
twin  brother  to  Shylock,  without  his  ex 
cuse.  His  instincts  are  accidents  of 
birth.  Yours  are  cultivated,  and  yon 
know  it." 

"You  are  very  much  mistaken,  Sir 
Walter,"  Charon  had  answered  to  this. 
"  You  don't  understand  my  position.  It 
is  a  very  hard  one.  As  janitor  of  your 
club  I  am  really  prostrated  over  the 
events  of  the  past  twenty-four  hours. 
My  occupation  is  gone,  and  my  despair 


108        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

over  your  loss  is  correspondingly  greater, 
for  I  have  time  on  my  hands  to  brood 
over  it.  I  was  hysterical  as  a  woman 
yesterday  afternoon — so  hysterical  that  I 
came  near  upsetting  one  of  the  Furies 
who  engaged  me  to  row  her  down  to  Ma 
dame  Medusa's  villa  last  evening ;  and 
right  at  the  sluice  of  the  vitriol  reservoir 
at  that." 

"  Then  why  the  deuce  don't  you  do 
something  to  help  us  ?"  pleaded  Hamlet. 

"  How  can  I  do  any  more  than  I  have 
done  ?  I've  offered  you  the  Gehenna," 
retorted  Charon. 

"  But  on  what  terms  ?"  expostulated 
Raleigh.  "If  we  had  all  the  wealth  of 
the  Indies  we'd  have  difficulty  in  paying 
you  the  sums  you  demand." 

"  But  I  am  only  president  of  the  com 
pany/'  explained  Charon.  "I'd  like,  as 
president,  to  show  you  some  courtesy,  and 
I'm  perfectly  willing  to  do  so ;  but  when 
it  comes  down  to  giving  you  a  vessel  like 
that,  I'm  bound  by  my  official  oath  to 
consider  the  interest  of  the  stockholders, 


"  '  YOU    ARE    VERY    MUCH    MISTAKEN,  SIR    WALTER  '  " 


THE  "GEHENNA"  is  CHARTERED       109 

It  isn't  as  it  used  to  be  when  I  had  boats 
to  hire  in  my  own  behalf  alone.  In  those 
days  I  had  nobody's  interest  but  my  own 
to  look  after.  Now  the  ships  all  belong 
to  the  Styx  Navigation  Company.  Can't 
you  see  the  difference  ?" 

"  You  own  all  the  stock,  don't  you  ?" 
insisted  Raleigh. 

"  I  don't  know,"  Charon  answered, 
blandly.  "I  haven't  seen  the  transfer- 
books  lately." 

"  But  you  know  that  you  did  own  every 
share  of  it,  and  that  you  haven't  sold  any, 
don't  you  ?"  put  in  Hamlet.  r/ 

Charon  was  puzzled  for  a  montfeivt,  but 
shortly  his  face  cleared,  and  Sir'Walter's 
heart  sank,  for  it  was  evident  that  the  old 
fellow  could  not  be  cornered. 

"Well,  it's  this  way,  Sir  Walter,  and 
your  Highness,"  he  said,  "  I — I  can't  say 
whether  any  of  that  stock  has  been  trans 
ferred  or  not.  The  fact  is,  I've  been  spec 
ulating  a  little  on  margin,  and  I've  put  up 
that  stock  as  security,  and,  for  all  I  know, 
I  may  have  been  sold  out  by  my  brokers. 


110       THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

I've  been  so  upset  by  this  unfortunate  oc 
currence  that  I  haven't  seen  the  market 
reports  for  two  days.  Really  you'll  have 
to  be  content  with  my  offer  or  go  with 
out  the  Gehenna.  There's  too  much  sus 
picion  attached  to  high  corporate  officials 
lately  for  me  to  yield  a  jot  in  the  position 
I  have  taken.  It  would  never  do  to  get 
you  all  ready  to  start,  and  then  have  an 
injunction  clapped  on  you  by  some  un 
foreseen  stockholder  who  was  not  satisfied 
with  the  terms  offered  you  ;  nor  can  I 
ever  let  it  be  said  of  me  that  to  retain  my 
position  as  janitor  of  your  organization  I 
sacrificed  a  trust  committed  to  my  charge. 
I'll  gladly  lend  you  my  private  launch, 
though  I  don't  think  it  will  aid  you  much, 
because  the  naphtha-tank  has  exploded, 
and  the  screw  slipped  off  and  went  to  the 
bottom  two  weeks  ago.  Still,  it  is  at  your 
service,  and  I've  no  doubt  that  either 
Phidias  or  Benvenuto  Cellini  will  carve 
out  a  paddle  for  you  if  you  ask  him  to." 
"Bah !"  retorted  Raleigh.  "You  might 
as  well  offer  us  a  pair  of  skates." 


THE  "GEHENNA     is  CHARTERED       m 

"  I  would,  if  I  thought  the  river  'd 
freeze/"  retorted  Charon,  blandly. 

Raleigh  and  Hamlet  turned  away  impa 
tiently  and  left  Charon  td>  his  own  de 
vices,  which  for  the  time  being  consisted 
largely  of  winking  his  other  eye  quietly 
and  outwardly  making  a  great  show  of 
grief. 

"He's  too  canny  for  us,  I  am  afraid," 
said  Sir  Walter.  "  We'll  have  to  pay  him 
his  money." 

"  Let  us  first  consult  Sherlock  Holmes," 
suggested  Hamlet,  and  this  they  proceed 
ed  at  once  to  do. 

"  There  is  but  one  thing  to  be  done," 
observed  the  astute  detective  after  he  had 
heard  Sir  Walter's  statement  of  the  case. 
"  It  is  an  old  saying  that  one  should  fight 
fire  with  fire.  We  must  meet  modern 
business  methods  with  modern  commer 
cial  ideas.  Charter  his  vessel  at  his  own 
price." 

"  But  we'd  never  be  able  to  pay,"  said 
Hamlet. 

"Ha-ha!"   laughed  Holmes.     "It  is 


112        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

evident  that  you  know  nothing  of  the 
laws  of  trade  nowadays.  Don't  pay  !" 

"But  how  can  we  ?"  asked  Raleigh. 

"  The  method  is  simple.  You  haven't 
anything  to  pay  with/'  returned  Holmes. 
"  Let  him  sue.  Suppose  he  gets  a  verdict. 
You  haven't  anything  he  can  attach — if 
you  have,  make  it  over  to  your  wives  or 
your  fiancees." 

"  Is  that  honest  ?"  asked  Hamlet,  shak 
ing  his  head  doubtfully. 

"  It's  business,"  said  Holmes. 

"But  suppose  he  wants  an  advance 
payment  ?"  queried  Hamlet. 

"  Give  him  a  check  drawn  to  his  own 
order.  He'll  have  to  endorse  it  when  he 
deposits  it,  and  that  will  make  him  re 
sponsible,"  laughed  Holmes. 

"  What  a  simple  thing  when  you  under 
stand  it !"  commented  Raleigh. 

"  Very,"  said  Holmes.  "  Business  is 
getting  by  slow  degrees  to  be  an  exact 
science.  It  reminds  me  of  the  Brighton 
mystery,  in  which  I  played  a  modest  part 
some  ten  years  ago,  when  I  first  took  up 


THE  "GEHENNA"  is  CHARTERED       us 

ferreting  as  a  profession.  I  was  sitting 
one  night  in  my  room  at  one  of  the  Brigh 
ton  hotels,  which  shall  be  nameless.  I 
never  give  the  name  of  any  of  the  hotels 
at  which  I  stop,  because  it  might  give  of 
fence  to  the  proprietors  of  other  hotels, 
with  the  result  that  my  books  would  be 
excluded  from  sale  therein.  Suffice  it  to 
say  that  I  was  spending  an  early  summer 
Sunday  at  Brighton  with  my  friend  Wat 
son.  We  had  dined  well,  and  were  enjoy 
ing  our  evening  smoke  together  upon  a 
small  balcony  overlooking  the  water,  when 
there  came  a  timid  knock  on  the  door  of 
my  room. 

"'Watson,'  said  I,  'here  comes  some 
one  for  advice.  Do  you  wish  to  wager  a 
small  bottle  upon  it  ?' 

"  '  Yes/  he  answered,  with  a  smile.  '  I 
am  thirsty  and  I'd  like  a  small  bottle ;  and 
while  I  do  not  expect  to  win,  I'll  take  the 
bet.  I  should  like  to  know,  though,  how 
you  know/ 

"  '  It  is  quite  simple/  said  I.  '  The 
timidity  of  the  knock  shows  that  my  vis- 


114        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

itor  is  one  of  two  classes  of  persons — an 
autograph-hunter  or  a  client,  one  of  the 
two.  You  see  I  give  you  a  chance  to  win. 
It  may  be  an  autograph  -  hunter,  but  I 
think  it  is  a  client.  If  it  were  a  creditor, 
he  would  knock  boldly,  even  ostentatious 
ly  ;  if  it  were  the  maid,  she  would  not 
knock  at  all ;  if  it  were  the  hall-boy,  he 
would  not  come  until  I  had  rung  five 
times  for  him.  None  of  these  things  has 
occurred  ;  the  knock  is  the  half-hearted 
knock  which  betokens  either  that  the 
person  who  knocked  is  in  trouble,  or  is 
uncertain  as  to  his  reception.  I  am  will 
ing,  however,  considering  the  heat  and 
my  desire  to  quench  my  thirst,  to  wager 
that  it  is  a  client/ 

"  '  Done/  said  Watson  ;  and  I  immedi 
ately  remarked,  'Come  in/ 

"  The  door  opened,  and  a  man  of  about 
thirty-five  years  of  age,  in  a  bathing-suit, 
entered  the  room,  and  I  saw  at  a  glance 
what  had  happened. 

" '  Your  name  is  Burgess/  I  said. 
<  You  came  here  from  London  this  morn- 


THE  "GEHENNA"  is  CHARTERED      115 

ing,  expecting  to  return  to-night.  You 
brought  no  luggage  with  you.  After 
luncheon  you  went  in  bathing.  You  had 
machine  No.  35,  and  when  you  came  out 
of  the  water  you  found  that  No.  35  had 
disappeared,  with  your  clothes  and  the 
silver  watch  your  uncle  gave  you  on  the 
day  you  succeeded  to  his  business.' 

"  Of  course,  gentlemen,"  observed  the 
detective,  with  a  smile  at  Sir  Walter  and 
Hamlet — "of  course  the  man  fairly 
gasped,  and  I  continued  :  '  You  have 
been  lying  face  downward  in  the  sand 
ever  since,  waiting  for  nightfall,  so  that 
you  could  come  to  me  for  assistance,  not 
considering  it  good  form  to  make  an  af 
ternoon  call  upon  a  stranger  at  his  hotel, 
clad  in  a  bathing-suit.  Am  I  correct  ?' 

"  '  Sir/  he  replied,  with  a  look  of  won 
der,  '  you  have  narrated  my  story  exactly 
as  it  happened,  and  I  find  I  have  made 
no  mistake  in  coming  to  you.  Would  you 
mind  telling  me  what  is  your  course  of 
reasoning  ?' 

"'It  is  plain  as   day,'  said  I.     'I  am 


116        THE    PURSUIT    OP   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

the  person  with  the  red  beard  with  whom 
you  came  down  third  class  from  Lon 
don  this  morning,  and  you  told  me  your 
name  was  Burgess  and  that  you  were  a 
butcher.  When  you  looked  to  see  the 
time,  I  remarked  upon  the  oddness  of 
your  watch,  which  led  to  your  telling  me 
that  it  was  the  gift  of  your  uncle.' 

"  (  True/  said  Burgess,  '  but  I  did  not 
tell  you  I  had  no  luggage.' 

"  *  No/  said  I,  'but  that  you  hadn't  is 
plain ;  for  if  you  had  brought  any  other 
clothing  besides  that  you  had  on  with 
you,  you  would  have  put  it  on  to  come 
here.  That  you  have  been  robbed  I  de 
duce  also  from  your  costume.' 

" '  But  the  number  of  the  machine  ?' 
asked  Watson. 

"'Is  on  the  tag  on  the  key  hanging 
about  his  neck/  said  I. 

" '  One  more  question/  queried  Bur 
gess.  'How  do  you  know  I  have  been 
lying  face  downward  on  the  beach  ever 
since  ?' 

"  '  By  the  sand  in  your  eyebrows/  I  re- 


THE  "GEHENNA"  is  CHARTERED       117 

plied  ;  and  Watson  ordered  up  the  small 
bottle." 

"I  fail  to  see  what  it  was  in  our 
conversation,  however/'  observed  Ham 
let,  somewhat  impatient  over  the  delay 
caused  by  the  narration  of  this  tale, 
"that  suggested  this  train  of  thought  to 
you." 

"  The  sequel  will  show/'  returned 
Holmes. 

"  Oh,  Lord  !"  put  in  Raleigh.  "  Can't 
we  put  off  the  sequel  until  a  later  issue  ? 
Remember,  Mr.  Holmes,  that  we  are  con 
stantly  losing  time." 

"  The  sequel  is  brief,  and  I  can  narrate 
it  on  our  way  to  the  office  of  the  Naviga 
tion  Company,"  observed  the  detective. 
"  When  the  bottle  came  I  invited  Mr. 
Burgess  to  join  us,  which  he  did,  and  as 
the  hour  was  late  when  we  came  to  sepa 
rate,  I  offered  him  the  use  of  my  parlor 
overnight.  This  he  accepted,  and  we  re 
tired. 

"  The  next  morning  when  I  arose  to 
dress,  the  mystery  was  cleared." 


118        THE    PURSUIT    OF  THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"You  had  dreamed  its  solution  ?" 
asked  Kaleigh. 

"  No,"  replied  Holmes.  "  Burgess  had 
disappeared  with  all  my  clothing,  my 
false-beard,  my  suit-case,  and  my  watch. 
The  only  thing  he  had  left  me  was  the 
bathing-suit  and  a  few  empty  small  bot 
tles." 

"And  why,  may  I  ask, "put  in  Hamlet, 
as  they  drew  near  to  Charon's  office — 
"why  does  that  case  remind  you  of  busi 
ness  as  it  is  conducted  to-day  ?" 

"  In  this,  that  it  is  a  good  thing  to  stay 
out  of  unless  you  know  it  all,"  explained 
Holmes.  "  I  omitted  in  the  case  of  Bur 
gess  to  observe  one  thing  about  him. 
Had  I  observed  that  his  nose  was  rectilin 
ear,  incurved,  and  with  a  lifted  base,  and 
that  his  auricular  temporal  angle  was  be 
tween  96  and  97  degrees,  I  should  have 
known  at  once  that  he  was  an  impostor. 
Vide  Ottolenghui  on  'Ears  and  Noses  I 
Have  Met,'  pp.  631-640." 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  that  you  can  tell 
a  criminal  by  his  ears  ?"  demanded  Hamlet. 


IN  THE  DKAD  OF  NIGHT  SHYLOCK  HAD  STOLEN  UP  THE 
GANG-PLANK  " 


THE  "GEHENNA"  is  CHARTERED       119 

"If  he  has  any — yes;  but  I  did  not 
know  that  at  the  time  of  the  Brighton 
mystery.  Therefore  I  should  have  stayed 
out  of  the  case.  But  here  we  are.  Good- 
morning,  Charon." 

By  this  time  the  trio  had  entered  the 
private  office  of  the  president  of  the  Styx 
Navigation  Company,  and  in  a  few  mo 
ments  the  vessel  was  chartered  at  a  fabu 
lous  price. 

On  the  return  to  the  wharf,  Sir  Walter 
somewhat  nervously  asked  Holmes  if  he 
thought  the  plan  they  had  settled  upon 
would  work. 

"Charon  is  a  very  shrewd  old  fellow," 
said  he.  "He  may  outwit  us  yet." 

"  The  chances  are  just  two  and  one- 
eighth  degrees  in  your  favor,"  observed 
Holmes,  quietly,  with  a  glance  at  Ka- 
leigh's  ears.  "The  temporal  angle  of 
your  ears  is  93^  degrees,  whereas  Charon's 
stand  out  at  91,  by  my  otometer.  To  that 
extent  your  criminal  instincts  are  supe 
rior  to  his.  If  criminology  is  an  exact 
science,  reasoning  by  your  respective  ears, 


120         THE    PURSUIT    OF  THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

you  ought  to  beat  him  out  by  a  percepti 
ble  though  possibly  narrow  margin." 

With  which  assurance  Raleigh  went 
ahead  with  his  preparations,  and  within 
twelve  hours  the  Gehenna  was  under  way, 
carrying  a  full  complement  of  crew  and 
officers,  with  every  state-room  on  board 
occupied  by  some  spirit  of  the  more  illus 
trious  kind. 

Even  Shylock  was  on  board,  though  no 
one  knew  it,  for  in  the  dead  of  night  he 
had  stolen  quietly  up  the  gang-plank  and 
had  hidden  himself  in  an  empty  water- 
cask  in  the  forecastle. 

"'Tisn't  Venice/'  he  said,  as  he  sat 
down  and  breathed  heavily  through  the 
bung  of  the  barrel,  "  but  it's  musty  and 
damp  enough,  and,  considering  the  cost, 
I  can't  complain.  You  can't  get  some 
thing  for  nothing,  even  in  Hades." 


VIII 
ON  BOAED   THE    "  GEHENNA^ 

WHEN  the  Gehenna  had  passed  down 
the  Styx  and  out  through  the  beautiful 
Cimmerian  Harbor  into  the  broad  waters 
of  the  ocean,  and  everything  was  com 
paratively  safe  for  a  while  at  least,  Sher 
lock  Holmes  came  down  from  the  bridge, 
where  he  had  taken  his  place  as  the  com 
mander  of  the  expedition  at  the  moment 
of  departure.  His  brow  was  furrowed 
with  anxiety,  and  through  his  massive 
forehead  his  brain  could  be  seen  to  be 
throbbing  violently,  and  the  corrugations 
of  his  gray  matter  were  not  pleasant  to 
witness  as  he  tried  vainly  to  squeeze  an 
idea  out  of  them. 

"What  is  the  matter?"  asked  Demos 
thenes,  anxiously.  "  We  are  not  in  any 
danger,  are  we  ?" 


122       THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"No,"  replied  Holmes.  "But  I  am 
somewhat  puzzled  at  the  bubbles  on  the 
surface  of  the  ocean,  and  the  ripples  which 
we  passed  over  an  hour  or  two  ago,  barely 
perceptible  through  the  most  powerful 
microscope,  indicate  to  my  mind  that  for 
some  reason  at  present  unknown  to  me 
the  House-boat  has  changed  her  course. 
Take  that  bubble  floating  by.  It  is  the 
last  expiring  bit  of  aerial  agitation  of  the 
House-boat's  wake.  Observe  whence  it 
comes.  Not  from  the  Azores  quarter,  but 
as  if  instead  of  steering  a  straight  course 
thither  the  House-boat  had  taken  a  sharp 
turn  to  the  northeast,  and  was  making  for 
Havre ;  or,  in  other  words,  Paris  instead 
of  London  seems  to  have  become  their 
destination." 

Demosthenes  looked  at  Holmes  with 
blank  amazement,  and,  to  keep  from 
stammering  out  the  exclamation  of 
wonder  that  rose  to  his  lips,  he  opened 
his  bonbonniere  and  swallowed  a  peb 
ble. 

"You  don't  happen  to  have  a  cocaine 


ON    BOARD    THE    "  GEHENNA  "  123 

tablet  in  your  box,  do  yon  ?"  queried 
Holmes. 

"No/'  returned  the  Greek.  "Cocaine 
makes  me  flighty  and  nervous,  but  these 
pebbles  sort  of  ballast  me  and  hold  me 
down.  How  on  earth  do  you  know  that 
that  bubble  comes  from  the  wake  of  the 
House-boat  ?" 

"  By  my  chemical  knowledge,  merely," 
replied  Holmes.  "A  merely  worldly  vessel 
leaves  a  phosphorescent  bubble  in  its  wake. 
That  one  we  have  just  discovered  is  not 
so,  but  sulphurescent,  if  I  may  coin  a  word 
which  it  seems  to  me  the  English  lan 
guage  is  very  much  in  need  of.  It  proves, 
then,  that  the  bubble  is  a  portion  of  the 
wake  of  a  Stygian  craft,  and  the  only 
Stygian  craft  that  has  cleared  the  Cim 
merian  Harbor  for  years  is  the  House 
boat— Q.  E.  D." 

"  We  can  go  back  until  we  find  the  rip 
ple  again,  and  follow  that,  I  presume," 
sneered  Le  Coq,  who  did  not  take  much 
stock  in  the  theories  of  his  great  rival, 
largely  because  he  was  a  detective  by  in- 


124        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

tuition  rather  than  by  study  of  the  sci 
ence. 

"You  can  if  you  want  to,  but  it  is  bet 
ter  not  to,"  rejoined  Holmes,  simply,  as 
though  not  observing  the  sneer,  "  because 
the  ripple  represents  the  outer  lines  of 
the  angle  of  disturbance  in  the  water ; 
and  as  any  one  of  the  sides  to  an  angle  is 
greater  than  the  perpendicular  from  the 
hypothenuse  to  the  apex,  you'd  merely  be 
going  the  long  way.  This  is  especially 
important  when  you  consider  the  forma 
tion  of  the  bow  of  the  House-boat,  which 
is  rounded  like  the  stern  of  most  vessels, 
and  comes  near  to  making  a  pair  of  rip 
ples  at  an  angle  of  ninety  degrees." 

"Then,"  observed  Sir  Walter,  with  a 
sigh  of  disappointment,  "we  must  change 
our  course  and  sail  for  Paris  ?" 

"I  am  afraid  so,"  said  Holmes;  "but 
of  course  it's  by  no  means  certain  as  yet. 
I  think  if  Columbus  would  go  up  into  the 
mizzentop  and  look  about  him,  he  might 
discover  something  either  in  confirmation 
or  refutation  of  the  theory. " 


ON    BOARD    THE    "  GEHENNA  "  125 

"He  couldn't  discover  anything/'  put 
in  Pinzon.  "He  never  did." 

"Well,  I  like  that !"  retorted  Columbus. 
"  I'd  like  to  know  who  discovered  Amer 
ica." 

"So  should  I,"  observed  Leif  Ericson, 
with  a  wink  at  Vespucci. 

"Tut!"  retorted  Columbus.  "I  did 
it,  and  the  world  knows  it,  whether  you 
claim  it  or  not." 

"  Yes,  just  as  Noah  discovered  Ararat," 
replied  Pinzon.  "You  sat  upon  the  deck 
until  we  ran  plumb  into  an  island,  after 
floating  about  for  three  months,  and  then 
you  couldn't  tell  it  from  a  continent,  even 
when  you  had  it  right  before  your  eyes. 
Noah  might  just  as  well  have  told  his 
family  that  he  discovered  a  roof  garden 
as  for  you  to  go  back  to  Spain  telling  'em 
all  that  San  Salvador  was  the  United 
States." 

"Well,  I  don't  care,"  said  Columbus, 
with  a  short  laugh.  "I'm  the  one  they 
celebrate,  so  what's  the  odds  ?  I'd  rather 
stay  down  here  in  the  smoking-room  en- 


126        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

joying  a  small  game,  anyhow,  than  climb 
up  that  mast  and  strain  my  eyes  for  ten 
or  a  dozen  hours  looking  for  evidence  to 
prove  or  disprove  the  correctness  of  an 
other  man's  theory.  I  wouldn't  know 
evidence  when  I  saw  it,  anyhow.  Send 
Judge  Blackstone." 

"I  draw  the  line  at  the  mizzentop," 
observed  Blackstone.  "  The  dignity  of 
the  bench  must  and  shall  be  preserved, 
and  I'll  never  consent  to  climb  up  that 
rigging,  getting  pitch  and  paint  on  my 
ermine,  no  matter  who  asks  me  to  go." 

"Whomsoever  I  tell  to  go,  shall  go," 
put  in  Holmes,  firmly.  "I  am  com 
mander  of  this  ship.  It  will  pay  you  to 
remember  that,  Judge  Blackstone." 

"And  I  am  the  Court  of  Appeals,"  re 
torted  Blackstone,  hotly.  "  Bear  that  in 
mind,  captain,  when  you  try  to  send  me 
up.  I'll  issue  a  writ  of  habeas  corpus  on 
my  own  body,  and  commit  you  for  con 
tempt." 

"  There's  no  use  of  sending  the  Judge, 
anyhow,"  said  Ealeigh,  fearing  by  the 


JUDGE    ISLACKSTONE    REFUSES    TO    CLIMB    TO    THE    MIZZENTOP 


ON    BOARD    THE    "  GEHENNA  "  127 

glitter  that  came  into  the  eye  of  the  com 
mander  that  trouble  might  ensue  unless 
pacificatory  measures  were  resorted  to. 
"  He's  accustomed  to  weighing  everything 
carefully,  and  cannot  be  rushed  into  a  de 
cision.  If  he  saw  any  evidence,  he'd  have 
to  sit  on  it  a  week  before  reaching  a  con 
clusion.  What  we  need  here  more  than 
anything  else  is  an  expert  seaman,  a 
lookout,  and  I  nominate  Shem.  He  has 
sailed  under  his  father,  and  I  have  it  on 
good  authority  that  he  is  a  nautical  ex 
pert." 

Holmes  hesitated  for  an  instant.  He 
Avas  considering  the  necessity  of  disciplin 
ing  the  recalcitrant  Blackstone,  but  he 
finally  yielded. 

"Very  well,"  he  said.  "Shem  be  it. 
Bo'sun,  pipe  Shem  on  deck,  and  tell  him 
that  general  order  number  one  requires 
him  to  report  at  the  mizzentop  right 
away,  and  that  immediately  he  sees  any 
thing  he  shall  come  below  and  make  it 
known  to  me.  As  for  the  rest  of  us,  hav 
ing  a  very  considerable  appetite,  I  do  now 


128        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

decree  that  it  is  dinner-time.     Shall  we 
go  below  ?" 

"I  don't  think  I  care  for  any,  thank 
you,"  said  Ealeigh.  "Fact  is  —  ah  —  I 
dined  last  week,  and  am  not  hungry." 

Noah  laughed.  "  Oh,  come  below  and 
watch  us  eat,  then,"  he  said.  "  It  '11  do 
you  good." 

But  there  was  no  reply.  Kaleigh  had 
plunged  head  first  into  his  state-room, 
which  fortunately  happened  to  be  on  the 
upper  deck.  The  rest  of  the  spirits  re 
paired  below  to  the  saloon,  where  they 
were  soon  engaged  in  an  animated  discus 
sion  of  such  viands  as  the  larder  provided. 

"This,"  said  Dr.  Johnson,  from  the 
head  of  the  table,  "  is  what  I  call  comfort. 
I  don't  know  that  I  am  so  anxious  to  re 
cover  the  House-boat,  after  all." 

"Nor  I,"  said  Socrates,  "with  a  ship 
like  this  to  go  off  cruising  on,  and  with 
such  a  larder.  Look  at  the  thickness  of 
that  puree,  Doctor — 

"  Excuse  me,"  said  Boswell,  faintly, 
"but  I — I've  left  my  note-bub-book  up- 


SHEM    IN    THE    LOOKOCT 


ON    BOARD    THE    "GEHENNA"  129 

stairs,  Doctor,  and  I'd  like  to  go  up  and 
get  it." 

"Certainly,"  said  Dr.  Johnson.  "I 
judge  from  your  color,  which  is  highly 
suggestive  of  a  modern  magazine  poster, 
that  it  might  be  well  too  if  you  stayed  on 
deck  for  a  little  while  and  made  a  few  en 
tries  in  your  commonplace  book." 

"Thank  you,"  said  Boswell,  gratefully. 
"Shall  you  say  anything  clever  during 
dinner,  sir  ?  If  so,  I  might  be  putting  it 
down  while  I'm  up — 

"  Get  out !"  roared  the  Doctor.  "  Get 
up  as  high  as  you  can — get  up  with  Shem 
on  the  mizzentop — " 

"Very  good,  sir,"  replied  Boswell,  and 
1  he  was  off. 

"You  ought  to  be  more  lenient  with 
him,  Doctor,"  said  Bonaparte ;  "he  means 
well." 

"I  know  it,"  observed  Johnson;  "but 
he's  so  very  previous.  Last  winter,  at 
Chaucer's  dinner  to  Burns,  I  made  a 
speech,  which  Boswell  printed  a  week  be 
fore  it  was  delivered,  with  the  words 


130        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

'  laughter '  and  '  uproarious  applause '  in 
terspersed  through  it.  It  placed  me  in  a 
false  position." 

"  How  did  he  know  what  you  were  go 
ing  to  say  ?"  queried  Demosthenes. 

"Don't  know,"  replied  Johnson.  "Kind 
of  mind-reader,  I  fancy,"  he  added,  blush 
ing  a  trifle.  "  But,  Captain  Holmes,  what 
do  you  deduce  from  your  observation  of 
the  wake  of  the  House-boat  ?  If  she's 
going  to  Paris,  why  the  change  ?" 

"  I  have  two  theories,"  replied  the  de 
tective. 

"  Which  is  always  safe,"  said  Le  Coq. 

"Always;  it  doubles  your  chances  of 
success,"  acquiesced  Holmes.  "  Anyhow, 
it  gives  you  a  choice,  which  makes  it  more 
interesting.  The  change  of  her  course 
from  Londonward  to  Parisward  proves  to 
me  either  that  Kidd  is  not  satisfied  with 
the  extent  of  the  revenge  he  has  already 
taken,  and  wishes  to  ruin  you  gentlemen 
financially  by  turning  your  wives,  daugh 
ters,  and  sisters  loose  on  the  Parisian 
shops,  or  that  the  pirates  have  them- 


ON    BOARD    THE    "GEHENNA  131 

selves  been  overthrown  by  the  ladies, 
who  have  decided  to  prolong  their  cruise 
and  get  some  fun  out  of  their  misfort 
une." 

"And  where  else  than  to  Paris  would 
any  one  in  search  of  pleasure  go  ?"  asked 
Bonaparte. 

"I  had  more  fun  a  few  miles  outside 
of  Brussels/'  said  Wellington,  with  a  sly 
wink  at  Washington. 

"  Oh,  let  up  on  that !"  retorted  Bona 
parte.  "  It  wasn't  you  beat  me  at  Water 
loo.  You  couldn't  have  beaten  me  at  a 
plain  ordinary  game  of  old-maid  with  a 
stacked  pack  of  cards,  much  less  in  the 
game  of  war,  if  you  hadn't  had  the  ele 
ments  with  you." 

"  Tut !"  snapped  Wellington.  "  It  was 
clear  science  laid  you  out,  Boney." 

"  Taisey-voo  !"  shouted  the  irate  Cor- 
sican.  "  Clear  science  be  hanged  !  Wet 
science  was  what  did  it.  If  it  hadn't  been 
for  the  rain,  my  little  Duke,  I  should 
have  been  in  London  within  a  week,  my 
grenadiers  would  have  been  camping  in 


132        THE    PURSUIT    OP   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

your  Rue  Peekadeely,  and  the  Old  Guard 
all  over  everywhere  else." 

"  You  must  have  had  a  gay  army,  then," 
laughed  Caesar.  "  What  are  French  sol 
diers  made  of,  that  they  can't  stand  the 
wet — unshrunk  linen  or  flannel  ?" 

' '  Bah  !"  observed  Napoleon,  shrugging 
his  shoulders  and  walking  a  few  paces  away. 
"You  do  not  understand  the  French. 
The  Frenchman  is  not  a  pell-mell  soldier 
like  you  Eomans ;  he  is  the  poet  of  arms ; 
he  does  not  go  in  for  glory  at  the  expense 
of  his  dignity ;  style,  form,  is  dearer  to 
him  than  honor,  and  he  has  no  use  for 
fighting  in  the  wet  and  coming  out  of  the 
fight  conspicuous  as  a  victor  with  the  curl 
out  of  his  feathers  and  his  epaulets  rusted 
with  the  damp.  There  is  no  glory  in  water. 
But  if  we  had  had  umbrellas  and  mackin 
toshes,  as  every  Englishman  who  comes  to 
the  Continent  always  has,  and  a  bath-tub  for 
everybody,  then  would  your  Waterloo  have 
been  different  again,  and  the  great  democ 
racy  of  Europe  with  a  Bonaparte  for  em 
peror  would  have  been  founded  for  what 


ON    BOARD    THE    "  GEHENNA "  133 

the  Americans  call  the  keeps ;  and  as  for 
your  little  Great  Britain,  ha  !  she  would 
have  become  the  Blackwell's  Island  of  the 
Greater  France." 

"  You're  almost  as  funny  as  Punch 
isn't/'  drawled  Wellington,  with  an  angry 
gesture  at  Bonaparte.  "  fou  weren't 
within  telephoning  distance  of  victory  all 
day.  We  simply  played  with  you,  my  boy. 
It  was  a  regular  game  of  golf  for  us.  We 
let  you  keep  up  pretty  close  and  win  a  few 
holes,  but  on  the  home  drive  we  had  you 
beaten  in  one  stroke.  Go  to,  my  dear  Bo 
naparte,  and  stop  talking  about  the  flood." 

"It's  a  lucky  thing  for  us  that  Noah 
wasn't  a  Frenchman,  eh  ?"  said  Frederick 
the  Great.  "  How  that  rain  would  have 
fazed  him  if  he  had  been !  The  human 
race  would  have  been  wiped  out." 

"  Oh,  pshaw  !"  ejaculated  Noah,  depre 
cating  the  unseemliness  of  the  quarrel, 
and  putting  his  arm  affectionately  about 
Bonaparte's  shoulder.  "When  you  come 
down  to  that,  I  was  French — as  French  as 
one  could  be  in  those  days — and  these 


134        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

Gallic  subjects  of  my  friend  here  were, 
every  one  of  'em,  my  lineal  descendants, 
and  their  hatred  of  rain  was  inherited  di 
rectly  from  me,  their  ancestor." 

"  Are  not  we  English  as  much  your 
descendants  ?"  queried  Wellington,  arch 
ing  his  eyebrows. 

"You  are,"  said  Noah,  "but  you  take 
after  Mrs.  Noah  more  than  after  me. 
Water  never  fazes  a  woman,  and  your  de 
light  in  tubs  is  an  essentially  feminine 
trait.  The  first  thing  Mrs.  Noah  carried 
aboard  was  a  laundry  outfit,  and  then  she 
went  back  for  rugs  and  coats  and  all  sorts 
of  hand-baggage.  Gad,  it  makes  me  laugh 
to  this  day  when  I  think  of  it !  She  looked 
for  all  the  world  like  an  Englishman 
travelling  on  the  Continent  as  she  walked 
up  the  gang-plank  behind  the  elephants, 
each  elephant  with  a  Gladstone  bag  in  his 
trunk  and  a  hat-box  tied  to  his  tail."  Here 
the  venerable  old  weather-prophet  winked 
at  Munchausen,  and  the  little  quarrel 
which  had  been  imminent  passed  off  in  a 
general  laugh. 


ON    BOARD    THE    "GEHENNA"  135 

"  Where's  Boswell  ?  He  ought  to  get 
that  anecdote/'  said  Johnson. 

"I've  locked  him  up  in  the  library," 
said  Holmes.  "  He's  in  charge  of  the  log, 
and  as  I  have  a  pretty  good  general  idea 
as  to  what  is  about  to  happen,  I  have 
mapped  out  a  skeleton  of  the  plot  and  set 
him  to  work  writing  it  up."  Here  the 
detective  gave  a  sudden  start,  placed  his 
hand  to  his  ear,  listened  intently  for  an 
instant,  and,  taking  out  his  watch  and 
glancing  at  it,  added,  quietly,  "  In  three 
minutes  Shem  will  be  in  here  to  announce 
a  discovery,  and  one  of  great  importance, 
I  judge,  from  the  squeak." 

The  assemblage  gazed  earnestly  at 
Holmes  for  a  moment. 

"The  squeak  ?"  queried  Ealeigh. 

"  Precisely,"  said  Holmes.  "  The  squeak 
is  what  I  said,  and  as  I  always  say  what  I 
mean,  it  follows  logically  that  I  meant 
what  I  said." 

"I  heard  no  squeak,"  observed  Dr. 
Johnson  ;  "  and,  furthermore,  I  fail  to  see 
how  a  squeak,  if  I  had  heard  it,  would 


136        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

have  portended  a  discovery  of  impor 
tance." 

"  It  would  not — to  yon/'  said  Holmes  ; 
"but  with  me  it  is  different.  My  hearing 
is  unusually  acute.  I  can  hear  the  drop 
ping  of  a  pin  through  a  stone  wall  ten  feet 
thick ;  any  sound  within  a  mile  of  my  ear 
drum  vibrates  thereon  with  an  intensity 
which  would  surprise  you,  and  it  is  by 
the  use  of  cocaine  that  I  have  acquired 
this  wonderfully  acute  sense.  A  property 
which  dulls  the  senses  of  most  people 
renders  mine  doubly  apprehensive  ;  there 
fore,  gentlemen,  while  to  you  there  was  no 
auricular  disturbance,  to  me  there  was.  I 
heard  Shem  sliding  down  the  mast  a  min 
ute  since.  The  fact  that  he  slid  down  the 
mast  instead  of  climbing  down  the  rigging 
showed  that  he  was  in  great  haste,  there 
fore  he  must  have  something  to  communi 
cate  of  great  importance." 

"  Why  isn't  he  here  already,  then  ?  It 
wouldn't  take  him  two  minutes  to  get 
from  the  deck  here/'  asked  the  ever-sus 
picious  Le  Coq. 


ON    BOARD    THE    "GEHENNA"  137 

"It is  simple/' returned  Holmes,  calmly. 
"If  you  will  go  yourself  and  slide  down 
that  mast  you  will  see.  Shem  has  stopped 
for  a  little  witch-hazel  to  soothe  his  burns. 
It  is  no  cool  matter  sliding  down  a  mast 
two  hundred  feet  in  height." 

As  Sherlock  Holmes  spoke  the  door 
burst  open  and  Shem  rushed  in. 

"A  signal  of  distress,  captain  !"  he  cried. 

"From  what  quarter — to  larboard?" 
asked  Holmes. 

"  No,"  returned  Shem,  breathless. 

"  Then  it  must  be  dead  ahead,"  said 
Holmes. 

"Why  not  to  starboard  ?"  asked  Le  Coq, 
dryly. 

"Because,"  answered  Holmes,  confi 
dently,  "  it  never  happens  so.  If  you  had 
ever  read  a  truly  exciting  sea -tale,  my 
dear  Le  Coq,  you  would  have  known  that 
interesting  things,  and  particularly  signals 
of  distress,  are  never  seen  except  to  lar 
board  or  dead  ahead." 

A  murmur  of  applause  greeted  this  re 
tort,  and  Le  Coq  subsided. 


138        THE    PURBUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"  The  nature  of  the  signal  ?"  demanded 
Holmes. 

"A  black  flag,  skull  and  cross-bones 
down,  at  half-mast  I"  cried  Shem,  "and 
on  a  rock-bound  coast  I" 

"  They're  marooned,  by  heavens !" 
shouted  Holmes,  springing  to  his  feet 
and  rushing  to  the  deck,  where  he  was 
joined  immediately  by  Sir  Walter,  Dr. 
Johnson,  Bonaparte,  and  the  others. 

"  Isn't  he  a  daisy  ?"  whispered  Demos 
thenes  to  Diogenes  as  they  climbed  the 
stairs. 

"  He  is  more  than  that ;  he's  a  bloom 
ing  orchid,"  said  Diogenes,  with  intense 
enthusiasm.  "  I  think  I'll  get  my  X-ray 
lantern  and  see  if  he's  honest." 


IX 

CAPTAIN   KIDD  MEETS  WITH  AN"  OBSTACLE 

"  EXCUSE  me,  your  Majesty/'  remarked 
Helen  of  Troy  as  Cleopatra  accorded  per 
mission  to  Captain  Kidd  to  speak,  "  I  have 
not  been  introduced  to  this  gentleman  nor 
has  he  been  presented  to  me,  and  I  really 
cannot  consent  to  any  proceeding  so  irreg 
ular  as  this.  I  do  not  speak  to  gentlemen 
I  have  not  met,  nor  do  I  permit  them  to 
address  me/' 

"  Hear,  hear  !"  cried  Xanthippe.  "  I 
quite  agree  with  the  principle  of  my  young 
friend  from  Troy.  It  may  be  that  when 
we  claimed  for  ourselves  all  the  rights  of 
men  that  the  right  to  speak  and  be  spoken 
to  by  other  men  without  an  introduction 
was  included  in  the  list,  but  I  for  one 
have  no  desire  to  avail  myself  of  the  privi- 


140        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

lege,  especially  when  it's  a  horrid-look 
ing  man  like  this/' 

Kid'd  bowed  politely,  and  smiled  so  ter 
ribly  that  several  of  the  ladies  fainted. 

"I  will  withdraw/'  he  said,  turning  to 
Cleopatra  ;  and  it  must  be  said  that  his 
suggestion  was  prompted  by  his  heartfelt 
wish,  for  now  that  he  found  himself  thus 
conspicuously  brought  before  so  many 
women,  with  falsehood  on  his  lips,  his 
courage  began  to  ooze. 

"Not  yet,  please,"  answered  the  chair- 
lady.  "  I  imagine  we  can  get  about  this 
difficulty  without  much  trouble." 

"  I  think  it  a  perfectly  proper  objection 
too,"  observed  Delilah,  rising.  "  If  we 
ever  needed  etiquette  we  need  it  now. 
But  I  have  a  plan  which  will  obviate  any 
further  difficulty.  If  there  is  no  one 
among  us  who  is  sufficiently  well  acquaint 
ed  with  the  gentleman  to  present  him 
formally  to  us,  I  will  for  the  time  being 
take  upon  myself  the  office  of  ship's  bar 
ber  and  cut  his  hair.  I  understand  that 
it  is  quite  the  proper  thing  for  barbers  to 


CAPTAIN    KIDD    MEETS  WITH    AN    OBSTACLE    141 

talk,  while  cutting  their  hair,  to  persons 
to  whom  they  have  not  been  introduced. 
And,  besides,  he  really  needs  a  hair-cut 
badly.  Thus  I  shall  establish  an  acquaint 
ance  with  the  captain,  after  which  I  can 
with  propriety  introduce  him  to  the  rest 
of  you." 

"  Perhaps  the  gentleman  himself  might 
object  to  that,"  put  in  Queen  Elizabeth. 
"If  I  remember  rightly,  your  last  custom 
er  was  very  much  dissatisfied  with  the  trim 
you  gave  him." 

"  It  will  be  unnecessary  to  do  what 
Delilah  proposes,"  said  Mrs.  N"oah,  with 
a  kindly  smile,  as  she  rose  up  from  the 
corner  in  which  she  had  been  sitting,  an 
interested  listener.  ' '  I  can  introduce  the 
gentleman  to  you  all  with  perfect  pro 
priety.  He's  a  member  of  my  family. 
His  grandfather  was  the  great-grandson 
a  thousand  and  eight  times  removed  of 
my  son  Shem's  great-grandnephew  on  his 
father's  side.  His  relationship  to  me  is 
therefore  obvious,  though  from  what  I 
know  of  his  reputation  I  think  he  takes 


142        THE    PURSUIT    OF  THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

more  after  my  husband's  ancestors  than 
my  own.  Willie,  dear,  these  ladies  arc 
friends  of  mine.  Ladies,  this  young  man 
is  one  of  my  most  famous  descendants. 
He  has  been  a  man  of  many  adventures, 
and  he  has  been  hanged  once,  which,  far 
from  making  him  undesirable  as  an  ac 
quaintance,  has  served  merely  to  render 
him  harmless,  and  therefore  a  safe  person 
to  know.  Now,  my  son,  go  ahead  and 
speak  your  piece." 

The  good  old  spirit  sat  down,  and  the 
scruples  of  the  objectors  having  thus  been 
satisfied,  Captain  Kidd  began. 

"  Now  that  I  know  you  all,"  he  re 
marked,  as  pleasantly  as  he  could  under 
the  circumstances,  "  I  feel  that  I  can 
speak  more  freely,  and  certainly  with  a 
great  deal  less  embarrassment  than  if  I 
were  addressing  a  gathering  of  entire 
strangers.  I  am  not  much  of  a  hand  at 
speaking,  and  have  always  felt  somewhat 
nonplussed  at  finding  myself  in  a  position 
of  this  nature.  In  my  whole  career  I 
never  experienced  but  one  irresistible 


CAPTAIN    KIDD    MEETS  WITH    AN    OBSTACLE    143 

impulse  to  make  a  public  address  of  any 
length,,  and  that  was  upon  that  unhappy 
occasion  to  which  the  greatest  and  grand 
est  of  my  great-grandmothers  has  alluded, 
and  that  only  as  the  chain  by  which  I  was 
suspended  in  mid-air  tightened  about  my 
vocal  chords.  At  that  moment  I  could 
have  talked  impromptu  for  a  year,  so  fast 
and  numerously  did  thoughts  of  the  utter 
most  import  surge  upward  into  my  brain  ; 
but  circumstances  over  which  I  had  no 
control  prevented  the  utterance  of  those 
thoughts,  and  that  speech  is  therefore  lost 
to  the  world." 

"He  has  the  gift  of  continuity,"  ob 
served  Madame  Becamier. 

"•  Ought  to  be  in  the  United  States 
Senate,"  smiled  Elizabeth. 

"I  wish  I  could  make  up  my  mind  as 
to  whether  he  is  outrageously  handsome 
or  desperately  ugly,"  remarked  Helen  of 
Troy.  "  He  fascinates  me,  but  whether 
it  is  the  fascination  of  liking  or  of  horror 
I  can't  tell,  and  it's  quite  important." 

"  Ladies,"  resumed  the  captain,  his  un- 


144        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

easiness  increasing  as  he  came  to  the 
point,  "I  am  but  the  agent  of  your  re 
spective  husbands,  fiances,  and  other  mas 
culine  guardians.  The  gentlemen  who  were 
previously  the  tenants  of  this  club-house 
have  delegated  to  me  the  important,  and 
I  may  add  highly  agreeable,  task  of  show 
ing  you  the  world.  They  have  noted  of 
late  years  the  growth  of  that  feeling  of 
unrest  which  is  becoming  every  day  more 
and  more  conspicuous  in  feminine  circles 
in  all  parts  of  the  universe — on  the  earth, 
where  women  are  clamoring  to  vote,  and 
to  be  allowed  to  go  out  late  at  night  with 
out  an  escort ;  in  Hades,  where,  as  you 
are  no  doubt  aware,  the  management  of 
the  government  has  fallen  almost  wholly 
into  the  hands  of  the  Furies  ;  and  even  in 
the  halls  of  Jupiter  himself,  where,  I  am 
credibly  informed,  Juno  has  been  taking 
private  lessons  in  the  art  of  hurling 
thunderbolts — information  which  the  ex 
traordinary  quality  of  recent  electrical 
storms  on  the  earth  would  seem  to  con 
firm.  Thunderbolts  of  late  years  have 


CAPTAIN    KIDD    MEETS    WITH    AN  OBSTACLE    145 

been  cast  hither  and  yon  in  a  most  erratic 
fashion,  striking  where  they  were  least 
expected,  as  those  of  you  who  keep  in 
touch  with  the  outer  world  must  be  fully 
aware.  Now,  actuated  by  their  usual 
broad  and  liberal  motives,  the  men  of 
Hades  wish  to  meet  the  views  of  you 
ladies  to  just  that  extent  that  your  views 
are  based  upon  a  wise  selection,  in  turn 
based  upon  experience,  and  they  have 
come  to  me  and  in  so  many  words  have 
said,  '  Mr.  Kidd,  we  wish  the  women  of 
Hades  to  see  the  world.  We  want  them 
to  be  satisfied.  We  do  not  like  this  con 
stantly  increasing  spirit  of  unrest.  We, 
who  have  seen  all  the  life  that  we  care 
to  see,  do  not  ourselves  feel  equal  to  the 
task  of  showing  them  about.  We  will 
pay  you  liberally  if  you  will  take  our 
House-boat,  which  they  have  always  been 
anxious  to  enter,  and  personally  conduct 
our  beloved  ones  to  Paris,  London,  and 
elsewhere.  Let  them  see  as  much  of  life 
as  they  can  stand.  Accord  them  every 
privilege.  Spare  no  expense  ;  only  bring 


146        THE    PURSUIT    OF  THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

them  back  again  to  us  safe  and  sound.' 
These-  were  their  words,  ladies.  I  asked 
them  why  they  didn't  come  along  them 
selves,  saying  that  even  if  they  were  tired 
of  it  all,  they  should  make  some  personal 
sacrifice  to  your  comfort ;  and  they  answer 
ed,  reasonably  and  well,  that  they  would 
be  only  too  glad  to  do  so,  but  that  they 
feared  they  might  unconsciously  seem  to 
exert  a  repressing  influence  upon  you. 
fWe  want  them  to  feel  absolutely  free, 
Captain  Kidd/  said  they,  ( and  if  we  are 
along  they  may  not  feel  so.'  The  answer 
was  convincing,  ladies,  and  I  accepted  the 
commission." 

"But  we  knew  nothing  of  all  this,"  in 
terposed  Elizabeth.  "  The  subject  was 
not  broached  to  us  by  our  husbands, 
brothers,  fiances,  or  fathers.  My  brother, 
Sir  Walter  Raleigh—" 

Cleopatra  chuckled.  "Brother!  Broth 
er's  good,"  she  said. 

"Well,  that's  what  he  is,"  retorted 
Elizabeth,  quickly.  "  I  promised  to  be  a 
sister  to  him,  and  I'm  going  to  keep  my 


CAPTAIN    KIDD    MEETS   WITH    AN    OBSTACLE    147 

word.  That's  the  kind  of  a  queen  I  am. 
I  was  about  to  remark/'  Elizabeth  added, 
turning  to  the  captain,  "  that  my  brother, 
Sir  Walter  Kaleigh,  never  even  hinted  at 
any  such  plan,  and  usually  he  asked  my 
advice  in  matters  of  so  great  importance." 

"  That  is  easily  accounted  for,  ma- 
dame,"  retorted  Kidd.  "Sir  Walter  in 
tended  this  as  a  little  surprise  for  you, 
that  is  all.  The  arrangements  were  all 
placed  in  his  hands,  and  it  was  he  who 
bound  us  all  to  secrecy.  None  of  the 
ladies  were  to  be  informed  of  it." 

"  It  does  not  sound  altogether  plausi 
ble,"  interposed  Portia.  "If  you  ladies 
do  not  object,  I  should  like  to  cross- 
examine  this — ah — gentleman." 

Kidd  paled  visibly.  He  was  not  pre 
pared  for  any  such  trial ;  however,  he  put 
as  good  a  face  on  the  matter  as  he  could, 
and  announced  his  willingness  to  answer 
any  questions  that  he  might  be  asked. 

"Shall  we  put  him  under  oath?"  asked 
Cleopatra. 

"As  you  please,  ladies,"  said  the  pirate. 


148     THE  PURSUIT  OF  THE  HOUSE-BOAT 

"  A  pirate's  word  is  as  good  as  his  bond; 
but  I'll  take  an  oath  if  you  choose — a 
half-dozen  of  'em,  if  need  be." 

"  I  fancy  we  can  get  along  without 
that,"  said  Portia.  "Now,  Captain  Kidd, 
who  first  proposed  this  plan?" 

"Socrates,"  said  Kidd,  unblushingly, 
with  a  sly  glance  at  Xanthippe. 

"  What  ?"  cried  Xanthippe.  "  My  hus 
band  propose  anything  that  would  con 
tribute  to  my  pleasure  or  intellectual 
advancement  ?  Bah !  Your  story  is 
transparently  false  at  the  outset." 

"Nevertheless,"  said  Kidd,  "the 
scheme  was  proposed  by  Socrates.  He 
said  a  trip  of  that  kind  for  Xanthippe 
would  be  very  restful  and  health-giving." 

"  For  me  ?"  cried  Xanthippe,  scepti 
cally. 

"  No,  madame,  for  him,"  retorted 
Kidd. 

"Ah— ho-ho!  That's  the  way  of  it, 
eh  ?"  said  Xanthippe,  flushing  to  the 
roots  of  her  hair.  "  Very  likely.  You 
— ah — you  will  excuse  my  doubting  your 


CAPTAIN    KIDD    MEETS   WITH    AN    OBSTACLE    149 

word,  Captain  Kidd,  a  moment  since.  I 
withdraw  my  remark,  and  in  order  to 
make  fullest  reparation,  I  beg  to  assure 
these  ladies  that  I  am  now  perfectly  con 
vinced  that  you  are  telling  the  truth. 
That  last  observation  is  just  like  my  hus 
band,  and  when  I  get  back  home  again, 
if  I  ever  do,  well — ha,  ha  ! — we'll  have  a 
merry  time,  that's  all." 

"  And  what  was — ah — Bassanio's  con 
nection  with  this  affair  ?"  added  Portia, 
hesitatingly. 

"He  was  not  informed  of  it/'  said 
Kidd,  archly.  "  I  am  not  acquainted 
with  Bassanio,  my  lady,  but  I  overheard 
Sir  Walter  enjoining  upon  the  others  the 
absolute  necessity  of  keeping  the  whole 
affair  from  Bassanio,  because  he  was  afraid 
he  would  not  consent  to  it.  '  Bassanio 
has  a  most  beautiful  wife,  gentlemen,' 
said  Sir  Walter,  '  and  he  wouldn't  think 
of  parting  with  her  under  any  circum 
stances  ;  therefore  let  us  keep  our  inten 
tions  a  secret  from  him.'  I  did  not  hear 
whom  the  gentleman  married,  madame ; 


150        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

but  the  others,  Prince  Hamlet,  the  Duke 
of  Buckingham,  and  Louis  the  Four 
teenth,  all  agreed  that  Mrs.  Bassanio  was 
too  beautiful  a  person  to  be  separated 
from,  and  that  it  was  better,  therefore, 
to  keep  Bassanio  in  the  dark  as  to  their 
little  enterprise  until  it  was  too  late  for 
him  to  interfere." 

A  pink  glow  of  pleasure  suffused  the 
lovely  countenance  of  the  cross-examiner, 
and  it  did  not  require  a  very  sharp  eye  to 
see  that  the  wily  Kidd  had  completely 
won  her  over  to  his  side.  On  the  other 
hand,  Elizabeth's  brow  became  as  corru 
gated  as  her  ruif,  and  the  spirit  of  the 
pirate  shivered  to  the  core  as  he  turned 
and  gazed  upon  that  glowering  face. 

"  Sir  Walter  agreed  to  that,  did  he  ?" 
snapped  Elizabeth.  "And  yet  he  was 
willing  to  part  with — ah — his  sister." 

"Well,  your  Majesty,"  began  Kidd, 
hesitatingly,  "  you  see  it  was  this  way  : 
Sir  Walter — er — did  say  that,  but — ah — 
he — ah — but  he  added  that  he  of  course 
merely  judged — er — this  man  Bassanio's 


CAPTAIN    KIDD    MEKTS    WITH    AN    OBSTACLE    151 

feelings  by  his  own  in  parting  from  his 
sister — " 

"  Did  he  say  sister  ?"  cried  Elizabeth. 

"  Well — no — not  in  those  words/'  shuf 
fled  Kidd,  perceiving  quickly  wherein  his 
error  lay,  "  but — ah — I  jumped  at  the 
conclusion,  seeing  his  intense  enthusiasm 
for  the  lady's  beauty  and — er — intellectual 
qualities,  that  he  referred  to  you,  and  it 
is  from  yourself  that  I  have  gained  my 
knowledge  as  to  the  fraternal,  not  to  say 
sororal,  relationship  that  exists  between 
you/' 

"That  man's  a  diplomat  from  Diploma- 
ville  !"  muttered  Sir  Henry  Morgan,  who, 
with  Abeuchapeta  and  Conrad,  was  lis 
tening  at  the  port  without. 

"  He  is  that,"  said  Abeuchapeta,  "  but 
he  can't  last  much  longer.  He's  perspir 
ing  like  a  pitcher  of  ice-water  on  a  hot 
day,  and  a  spirit  of  his  size  and  volatile 
nature  can't  stand  much  of  that  without 
evaporating.  If  you  will  observe  him 
closely  you  will  see  that  his  left  arm  al 
ready  has  vanished  into  thin  air," 


152        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"  By  Jove  !"  whispered  Conrad,  "  that's 
a  fact  !  If  they  don't  let  up  on  him  he'll 
vanish.  He's  getting  excessively  tenuous 
about  the  top  of  his  head." 

All  of  which  was  only  too  true.  Sub 
jected  to  a  scrutiny  which  he  had  little 
expected,  the  deceitful  ambassador  of  the 
thieving  band  was  rapidly  dissipating, 
and,  as  those  without  had  so  fearsomely 
noted,  was  in  imminent  danger  of  com 
plete  sublimation,  which,  in  the  case  of 
one  possessed  of  so  little  elementary  pu 
rity,  meant  nothing  short  of  annihilation. 
Fortunately  for  Kidd,  however,  his  won 
derful  tact  had  stemmed  the  tide  of  sus 
picion.  Elizabeth  was  satisfied  with  his 
explanation,  and  in  the  minds  of  at  least 
three  of  the  most  influential  ladies  on 
board,  Portia,  Xanthippe,  and  Elizabeth, 
he  had  become  a  creature  worthy  of  cred 
ence,  which  meant  that  he  had  nothing 
more  to  fear. 

"  I  am  prepared,  your  Majesty,"  said 
Elizabeth,  addressing  Cleopatra,  "  to  ac 
cept  from  this  time  on  the  gentleman's 


CAPTAIN    KIDD    MEETS    WITH    AN    OBSTACLE    153 

word.  The  little  that  he  has  already  told 
us  is  hall-marked  with  truth.  I  should 
like  to  ask,  however,  one  more  question, 
and  that  is  how  our  gentleman  friends 
expected  to  embark  us  upon  this  voyage 
without  letting  us  into  the  secret?" 

"  Oh,  as  for  that,"  replied  Kidd,  with 
a  deep-drawn  sigh  of  relief,  for  he  too  had 
noticed  the  gradual  evaporation  of  his 
arm  and  the  incipient  etherization  of  his 
cranium  —  "as  for  that,  it  was  simple 
enough.  There  was  to  have  been  a  day 
set  apart  for  ladies'  day  at  the  club,  and 
when  you  were  all  on  board  we  were 
quietly  to  weigh  anchor  and  start.  The 
fact  that  you  had  anticipated  the  day,  of 
your  own  volition,  was  telephoned  by  my 
scouts  to  me  at  my  headquarters,  and  that 
news  was  by  me  transmitted  by  messenger 
to  Sir  Walter  at  Charon's  Glen  Island, 
where  the  long  -  talked  -  of  fight  between 
Samson  and  Goliath  was  taking  place. 
Raleigh  immediately  replied,  'Good!  Start 
at  once.  Paris  first.  Unlimited  credit. 
Love  to  Elizabeth.'  Wherefore,  ladies,"  he 


154        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE     HOUSE-BOAT 

added,  rising  from  his  chair  and  walk 
ing  to  the  door — "  wherefore  yon  are  here 
and  in  my  care.  Make  yourselves  com 
fortable,  and  with  the  aid  of  the  fashion 
papers  which  yon  have  already  received 
prepare  yourselves  for  the  joys  that  await 
you.  With  the  aid  of  Madame  Recamier 
and  Baedeker's  Paris,  which  you  will  find 
in  the  library,  it  will  be  your  own  fault 
if  when  you  arrive  there  you  resemble  a 
great  many  less  fortunate  women  who 
don't  know  what  they  want." 

With  these  words  Kidd  disappeared 
through  the  door,  and  fainted  in  the  arms 
of  Sir  Henry  Morgan.  The  strain  upon 
him  had  been  too  great. 

"A  charming  fellow,"  said  Portia,  as 
the  pirate  disappeared. 

"Most  attractive,"  said  Elizabeth. 

"  Handsome,  too,  don't  you  think  ?" 
asked  Helen  of  Troy. 

"  And  truthful  beyond  peradventure," 
observed  Xanthippe,  as  she  reflected  upon 
the  words  the  captain  had  attributed  to 
Socrates.  "  I  didn't  believe  him  at  first, 


tn    53 
fcl 


CAPTAIN    KIDD    MEfiTS    WITH    AN    OBSTACLE    156 

but  when  he  told  me  what  my  sweet- 
tempered  philosopher  had  said,  I  was  con 
vinced." 

' '  He's  a  sweet  child/'  interposed  Mrs. 
Noah,  fondly.  "  One  of  my  favorite 
grandchildren." 

( '  Which  makes  it  embarrassing  for  me 
to  say,"  cried  Cassandra,  starting  up 
angrily,  "  that  he  is  a  base  caitiff  !" 

Had  a  bomb  been  dropped  in  the  mid 
dle  of  the  room,  it  could  not  have  created 
a  greater  sensation  than  the  words  of  Cas 
sandra. 

"  What  ?"  cried  several  voices  at  once. 
"  A  caitiff  ?" 

"A  caitiff  with  a  capital  K,"  retorted 
Cassandra.  "  I  know  that,  because  while 
he  was  telling  his  story  I  was  listening  to 
it  with  one  ear  and  looking  forward  into 
the  middle  of  next  week  with  the  other — 
I  mean  the  other  eye — and  I  saw — " 

"  Yes,  you  saw  ?"  cried  Cleopatra. 

"I  saw  that  he  was  deceiving  us.  Mark 
my  words,  ladies,  he  is  a  base  caitiff,"  re 
plied  Cassandra — "a  base  caitiff." 


156        THE    PURSUIT     OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"  What  did  yon  see  ?"  cried  Elizabeth, 
excitedly. 

"  This,"  said  Cassandra,  and  she  began 
a  narration  of  future  events  which  I  must 
defer  to  the  next  chapter.  Meanwhile 
his  associates  were  endeavoring  to  restore 
the  evaporated  portions  of  the  prostrated 
Kidd's  spirit  anatomy  by  the  use  of  a 
steam-atomizer,  but  with  indifferent  suc 
cess.  Kidd's  training  had  not  fitted  him 
for  an  intellectual  combat  with  superior 
women,  and  he  suffered  accordingly. 


A    WARNING    ACCEPTED 

"  IT  is  with,  no  desire  to  interrupt  my 
friend  Cassandra  unnecessarily,"  said  Mrs. 
Noah,  as  the  prophetess  was  about  to  nar 
rate  her  story,  ' '  that  I  rise  to  beg  her  to 
remember  that,  as  an  ancestress  of  Cap 
tain  Kidd,  I  hope  she  will  spare  a  grand 
mother's  feelings,  if  anything  in  the  story 
she  is  about  to  tell  is  improper  to  be  placed 
before  the  young.  I  have  been  so  shocked 
by  the  stories  of  perfidy  and  baseness  gen 
erally  that  have  been  published  of  late 
years,  that  I  would  interpose  a  protest 
while  there  is  yet  time  if  there  is  a  line 
in  Cassandra's  story  which  ought  to  be 
withheld  from  the  public;  a  protest  based 
upon  my  affection  for  posterity,  and  in  the 
interests  of  morality  everywhere." 


168        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSB-BOAT 

"You  may  rest  easy  upon  that  score, 
my  dear  Mrs.  Noah/'  said  the  prophetess. 
"  What  I  have  to  say  would  commend  it 
self,  I  am  sure,  even  to  the  ears  of  a  Brit 
ish  matron  ;  and  while  it  is  as  complete 
a  demonstration  of  man's  perfidy  as  ever 
was,  it  is  none  the  less  as  harmless  a  little 
tale  as  the  Dottie  Dimple  books  or  any 
other  more  recent  study  of  New  England 
character." 

"  Thank  you  for  the  load  your  words 
have  lifted  from  my  mind,"  said  Mrs. 
Noah,  settling  back  in  her  chair,  a  satis 
fied  expression  upon  her  gentle  counte 
nance.  "  I  hope  you  will  understand  why 
I  spoke,  and  withal  why  modern  literature 
generally  has  been  so  distressful  to  me. 
When  you  reflect  that  the  world  is  satis 
fied  that  most  of  man's  criminal  instincts 
are  the  result  of  heredity,  and  that  Mr. 
Noah  and  I  are  unable  to  shift  the  respon 
sibility  for  posterity  to  other  shoulders 
than  our  own,  you  will  understand  my 
position.  We  were  about  the  most  do 
mestic  old  couple  that  ever  lived,  and 


A    WARNING    ACCEPTED  159 

when  we  see  the  long  and  varied  assort 
ment  of  crimes  that  are  cropping  ont 
everywhere  in  onr  descendants  it  is  pain 
ful  to  us  to  realize  what  a  pair  of  uncon 
sciously  wicked  old  fogies  we  must  have 
been." 

"  We  all  understand  that/'  said  Cleo 
patra,  kindly ;  "and  we  are  all  prepared 
to  acquit  you  of  any  responsibility  for  the 
advanced  condition  of  wickedness  to-day. 
Man  has  progressed  since  your  time,  my 
dear  grandma,  and  the  modern  improve 
ments  in  the  science  of  crime  are  no  more 
attributable  to  you  than  the  invention  of 
the  telephone  or  the  oyster  cocktail  is 
attributable  to  your  lord  and  master." 

"  Thank  you  kindly,"  murmured  the 
old  lady,  and  she  resumed  her  knitting 
upon  a  phantom  tarn  -  o'  -  shanter,  which 
she  was  making  as  a  Christmas  surprise 
for  her  husband. 

"When  Captain  Kidd  began  his  story," 
said  Cassandra,  "  he  made  one  very  bad 
mistake,  and  yet  one  which  was  prompted 
by  that  courtesy  which  all  men  instinctive- 


160        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

ly  adopt  when  addressing  women.  "When 
he  entered  the  room  he  removed  his  hat, 
and  therein  lay  his  fatal  error,  if  he  wish 
ed  to  convince  me  of  the  truth  of  his 
story,  for  with  his  hat  removed  I  could 
see  the  workings  of  his  mind.  While  you 
ladies  were  watching  his  lips  or  his  eyes, 
some  of  you  taking  in  the  gorgeous  de 
tails  of  his  dress,  all  of  you  hanging  upon 
his  every  word,  I  kept  my  eye  fixed  firmly 
upon  his  imagination,  and  I  saw,  what  you 
did  not,  that  he  was  drawing  wholly  upon 
that!" 

"How  extraordinary  !"  cried  Elizabeth. 

"Yes  —  and  fortunate,"  said  Cassan 
dra.  "  Had  I  not  done  so,  a  week  hence 
we  should,  every  one  of  us,  have  been  lost 
in  the  surging  wickedness  of  the  city  of 
Paris." 

"But,  Cassandra,"  said  Trilby,  who  was 
anxious  to  return  once  more  'to  the  beau 
tiful  city  by  the  Seine,  "he  told  us  we 
were  going  to  Paris." 

"Of  course  he  did,"  said  Madame  Re- 
camier,  "and  in  so  many  words.  Certain- 


"  '  HE    TOLD    US    WE    WERE    GOING    TO    PARIS  '  " 


A    WARNING    ACCEPTED  161 

ly  he  was  not  drawing  upon  his  imagina 
tion  there." 

"And  one  might  be  lost  in  a  very  much 
worse  place/'  put  in  Marguerite  de  Va- 
lois,  "if,  indeed,  it  were  possible  to  lose 
us  in  Paris  at  all.  I  fancy  that  I  know 
enough  about  Paris  to  find  my  way  about." 

"  Humph  !"  ejaculated  Cassandra. 
"  What  a  foolish  little  thing  you  are  ! 
You  don't  imagine  that  the  Paris  of  to 
day  is  the  Paris  of  your  time,  or  even  the 
Paris  of  that  sweet  child  Trilby's  time, 
do  you  ?  If  you  do  you  are  very  much 
mistaken.  I  almost  wish  I  had  not  warn 
ed  you  of  your  danger  and  had  let  you 
go,  just  to  see  those  eyes  of  yours  open 
with  amazement  at  the  change.  You'd  find 
your  Louvre  a  very  different  sort  of  a  place 
from  what  it  used  to  be,  my  dear  lady. 
Those  pleasing  little  windows  through 
which  your  relations  were  wont  in  olden 
times  to  indulge  in  target  practice  at  peo 
ple  who  didn't  go  to  their  church  are  now 
kept  closed  ;  the  galleries  which  used  to 

swarm  with  people,  many  of  whom  ought 
11 


162        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

to  have  been  hanged,  now  swarm  with 
pictures,  many  of  which  ought  not  to  have 
been  hung ;  the  romance  which  clung 
about  its  walls  is  as  much  a  part  of  the 
dead  past  as  yourselves,  and  were  you  to 
materialize  suddenly  therein  you  would 
find  yourselves  jostled  and  hustled  and 
trodden  upon  by  the  curious  from  other 
lands,  with  Argus  eyes  taking  in  five  hun 
dred  pictures  a  minute,  and  traversing 
those  halls  at  a  rate  of  speed  at  which 
Mercury  himself  would  stand  aghast/' 

"  But  my  beloved  Tuileries  ?"  cried 
Marie  Antoinette. 

"  Has  been  swallowed  up  by  a  play 
ground  for  the  people,  my  dear,"  said  Cas 
sandra,  gently.  "  Paris  is  no  place  for  us, 
and  it  is  the  intention  of  these  men,  in 
whose  hands  we  are,  to  take  us  there  and 
then  desert  us.  Can  you  imagine  any 
thing  worse  than  ourselves,  the  phantoms 
of  a  glorious  romantic  past,  basely  desert 
ed  in  the  streets  of  a  wholly  strange,  su 
perficial,  material  city  of  to-day  ?  What 
do  you  think,  Elizabeth,  would  be  your 


A    WARNING    ACCEPTED  163 

fate  if,  faint  and  famished,  you  begged 
for  sustenance  at  an  English  door  to-day, 
and  when  asked  your  name  and  profes 
sion  were  to  reply,  '  Elizabeth,  Queen  of 
England'?" 

"Insane  asylum,"  saidElizabeth,  shortly. 

"  Precisely.  So  in  Paris  with  the  rest 
of  us,"  said  Cassandra. 

"  How  do  you  know  all  this  ?"  asked 
Trilby,  still  unconvinced. 

"I  know  it  just  as  you  knew  how  to 
become  a  prima  donna,"  said  Cassandra. 
"  I  am,  however,  my  own  Svengali,  which 
is  rather  preferable  to  the  patent  detach 
able  hypnotizer  you  had.  I  hypnotize  my 
self,  and  direct  my  mind  into  the  future. 
I  was  a  professional  forecaster  in  the  days 
of  ancient  Troy,  and  if  my  revelations  had 
been  heeded  the  Priam  family  would,  I 
doubt  not,  still  be  doing  business  at  the 
old  stand,  and  Mr.  ^Eneas  would  not  have 
grown  round-shouldered  giving  his  poor 
father  a  picky-back  ride  on  the  opening 
night  of  the  horse -show,  so  graphically 
depicted  by  Virgil." 


164      THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE     HOUSE-BOAT 

"I  never  heard  about  that,"  said  Tril 
by.  "  It  sounds  like  a  very  funny  story, 
though." 

"  Well,  it  wasn't  so  humorous  for  some 
as  it  was  for  others,"  said  Cassandra,  with 
a  sly  glance  at  Helen.  "  The  fact  is,  un 
til  you  mentioned  it  yourself,  it  never  oc 
curred  to  me  that  there  was  much  fun  in 
any  portion  of  the  Trojan  incident,  ex 
cepting  perhaps  the  delirium  tremens  of 
old  Laocoon,  who  got  no  more  than  he 
deserved  for  stealing  my  thunder.  I  had 
warned  Troy  against  the  Greeks,  and  they 
all  laughed  at  me,  and  said  my  eye  to  the 
future  was  strabismatic  ;  that  the  Greeks 
couldn't  get  into  Troy  at  all,  even  if  they 
wanted  to.  And  then  the  Greeks  made  a 
great  wooden  horse  as  a  gift  for  the  Tro 
jans,  and  when  I  turned  my  X-ray  gaze 
upon  it  I  saw  that  it  contained  about  six 
brigades  of  infantry,  three  artillery  regi 
ments,  and  sharp-shooters  by  the  score. 
It  was  a  sort  of  military  Noah's  Ark  ;  but 
I  knew  that  the  prejudice  against  me  was 
so  strong  that  nobody  would  believe  what 


A    WARNING    ACCEPTED  165 

I  told  them.  So  I  said  nothing.  My  proph 
ecies  never  came  true,  they  said,  failing 
to  observe  that  my  warning  as  to  what 
would  be  was  in  itself  the  cause  of  their 
non-fulfilment.  But  desiring  to  save  Troy, 
I  sent  for  Laocoon  and  told  him  all  about 
it,  and  he  went  out  and  announced  it  as 
his  own  private  prophecy  ;  and  then,  hav 
ing  tried  to  drown  his  conscience  in  strong 
waters,  he  fell  a  victim  to  the  usual  ser 
pentine  hallucination,  and  everybody  said 
he  wasn't  sober,  and  therefore  unworthy 
of  belief.  The  horse  was  accepted,  haul 
ed  into  the  city,  and  that  night  orders 
came  from  hindquarters  to  the  regiments 
concealed  inside  to  march.  They  march 
ed,  and  next  morning  Troy  had  been  re 
moved  from  the  map ;  ninety  per  cent, 
of  the  Trojans  died  suddenly,  and  ^Eneas, 
grabbing  up  his  family  in  one  hand  and 
his  gods  in  the  other,  went  yachting  for 
several  seasons,  ultimately  settling  down 
in  Italy.  All  of  this  could  have  been 
avoided  if  the  Trojans  would  have  taken 
the  hint  from  my  prophecies.  They  pre- 


166        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

ferred,  however,  not  to  do  it,  with  the 
result  that  to-day  no  one  but  Helen  and 
myself  knows  even  where  Troy  was,  and 
we'll  never  tell." 

"It  is  all  true,"  said  Helen,  proudly. 
"1.  was  the  woman  who  was  at  the  bottom 
of  it  all,  and  I  can  testify  that  Cassandra 
always  told  the  truth,  which  is  why  she 
was  always  so  unpopular.  When  anything 
that  was  unpleasant  happened,  after  it  was 
all  over  she  would  turn  and  say,  sweetly, 
'I  told  you  so.'  She  was  the  original  'I 
told  you  so'  nuisance,  and  of  course  she 
had  the  newspapyruses  down  on  her,  be 
cause  she  never  left  them  any  sensation 
to  spring  upon  the  public.  If  she  had 
only  told  a  fib  once  in  a  while,  the  public 
would  have  had  more  confidence  in  her." 

"  Thank  you  for  your  endorsement," 
said  Cassandra,  with  a  nod  at  Helen. 
"With  such  testimony  I  cannot  see  how 
you  can  refrain  from  taking  my  advice  in 
this  matter  ;  and  I  tell  you,  ladies,  that 
this  man  Kidd  has  made  his  story  up  out 
of  whole  cloth  ;  the  men  of  Hades  had  no 


A    WARNING    ACCEPTED  167 

more  to  do  with  onr  being  here  than  we 
had ;  they  were  as  much  surprised  as  we 
are  to  find  us  gone.  Kidd  himself  was 
not  aware  of  our  presence,  and  his  object 
in  taking  us  to  Paris  is  to  leave  us  strand 
ed  there,  disembodied  spirits,  vagrant 
souls  with  no  familiar  haunts  to  haunt, 
no  place  to  rest,  and  nothing  before  us 
save  perpetual  exile  in  a  world  that  would 
have  no  sympathy  for  us  in  our  misfort 
une,  and  no  belief  in  our  continued  ex 
istence." 

"  But  what,  then,  shall  we  do  ?"  cried 
Ophelia,  wringing  her  hands  in  despair. 

"  It  is  a  terrible  problem/'  said  Cleo 
patra,  anxiously;  "and  yet  it  does  seem 
as  if  our  woman's  instinct  ought  to  show 
us  some  way  out  of  our  trouble." 

"  The  Committee  on  Treachery,"  said 
Delilah,  "has  already  suggested  a  chafing- 
dish  party,  with  Lucretia  Borgia  in  charge 
of  the  lobster  Newberg." 

"  That  is  true,"  said  Lucretia;  "but  I 
find,  in  going  through  my  reticule,  that 
my  maid,  for  some  reason  unknown  to  me, 


168        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

has  failed  to  renew  my  supply  of  poisons. 
I  shall  discharge  her  on  rny  return  home, 
for  she  knows  that  I  never  go  anywhere 
without  them ;  but  that  does  not  help 
matters  at  this  juncture.  The  sad  fact 
remains  that  I  could  prepare  a  thousand 
delicacies  for  these  pirates  without  fatal 
results." 

' '  You  mean  immediately  fatal,  do  you 
not  ?"  suggested  Xanthippe.  "  I  could  my 
self  prepare  a  cake  which  would  in  time 
reduce  our  captors  to  a  state  of  absolute 
dependence,  but  of  course  the  effect  is  not 
immediate." 

"We  might  give  a  musicale,  and  let 
Trilby  sing  '  Ben  Bolt'  to  them,"  suggest 
ed  Marguerite  de  Valois,  with  a  giggle. 

"Don't  be  flippant,  please,"  said  Portia. 
"  We  haven't  time  to  waste  on  flippant 
suggestions.  Perhaps  a  court-martial  of 
these  pirates,  supplemented  by  a  yard-arm, 
wouldn't  be  a  bad  thing.  I'll  prosecute 
the  case." 

"  You  forget  that  you  are  dealing  with 
immortal  spirits,"  observed  Cleopatra.  "  If 


A    WARNING    ACCEPTED  169 

these  creatures  were  mortals,  hanging  them 
would  be  all  right,  and  comparatively  easy, 
considering  that  we  outnumber  them  ten 
to  one,  and  have  many  resources  for  get 
ting  them,  more  or  less,  in  our  power,  but 
they  are  not.  They  have  gone  through 
the  refining  process  of  dissolution  once, 
and  there's  an  end  to  that.  Our  only  re 
source  is  in  the  line  of  deception,  and  if  we 
cannot  deceive  them,  then  we  have  ceased 
to  be  women." 

"  That  is  truly  said,"  observed  Eliza 
beth.  "And  inasmuch  as  we  have  already 
provided  ourselves  with  a  suitable  com 
mittee  for  the  preparation  of  our  plans  of 
a  deceptive  nature,  I  move,  as  the  easiest 
possible  solution  of  the  difficulty  for  the 
rest  of  us,  that  the  Committee  on  Treach 
ery  be  requested  to  go  at  once  into  ex 
ecutive  session,  with  orders  not  to  come 
out  of  it  until  they  have  suggested  a 
plausible  plan  of  campaign  against  our 
abductors.  We  must  be  rid  of  them.  Let 
the  Committee  on  Treachery  say  how." 

"  Second  the  motion,"  said  Mrs.  Noah. 


170         THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"  You  are  a  very  clear  -  headed  young 
woman,  Lizzie,  and  your  grandmother  is 
proud  of  you/' 

The  Committee  on  Treachery  were  about 
to  protest,  but  the  chair  refused  to  enter 
tain  any  debate  upon  the  question,  which 
was  put  and  carried  with  a  storm  of  ap 
proval. 

Five  minutes  later  a  note  was  handed 
through  the  port,  addressed  to  Cleopatra, 
which  read  as  follows  : 

"DEAR  MADAME, — Six  bells  has  just  struck, 
and  the  officers  and  crew  are  hungry.  Will  you 
and  your  fair  companions  co-operate  with  us  in 
our  enterprise  by  having  a  hearty  dinner  ready 
within  two  hours  ?  A  speck  has  appeared  on  the 
horizon  which  betokens  a  coming  storm,  else  we 
would  prepare  our  supper  ourselves.  As  it  is, 
we  feel  that  your  safety  depends  on  our  remain 
ing  on  deck.  If  there  is  any  beer  on  the  ice,  we 
prefer  it  to  tea.  Two  cases  will  suffice. 

"  Yours  respectfully, 
"HENRY  MORGAN,  Bart. ,  First  Mate." 

"Hurrah  I"  cried  Cleopatra,  as  she  read 
this  communication.  "  I  have  an  idea. 


A    WARNING    ACCEPTED  171 

Tell  the  Committtee  on  Treachery  to  ap 
pear  before  the  full  meeting  at  once." 

The  committee  was  summoned,  and 
Cleopatra  announced  her  plan  of  opera 
tion,  and  it  was  unanimously  adopted  ; 
buir  what  it  was  we  shall  have  to  wait 
for  another  chapter  to  learn. 


XI 

MAROONED 

WHEN  Captain  Holmes  arrived  npon 
deck  he  seized  his  glass,  and,  gazing  in 
tently  through  it  for  a  moment,  perceived 
that  the  faithful  Shem  had  not  deceived 
him.  Flying  at  half-mast  from  a  rude, 
roughly  hewn  pole  set  upon  a  rocky 
height  was  the  black  flag,  emblem  of 
piracy,  and,  as  Artemus  Ward  put  it, 
"with  the  second  joints  reversed/'  It 
was  in  very  truth  a  signal  of  distress. 

"  I  make  it  a  point  never  to  be  sur 
prised,"  observed  Holmes,  as  he  peered 
through  the  glass,  "but  this  beats  me. 
I  didn't  know  there  was  an  island  of  this 
nature  in  these  latitudes.  Blackstone, 
go  below  and  pipe  Captain  Cook  on  deck. 
Perhaps  he  knows  what  island  that  is," 


MAROONED  173 

"You'll  have  to  excuse  me,  Captain 
Holmes/'  replied  the  Judge.  ' '  I  didn't 
ship  on  this  voyage  as  a  cabin-boy  or  a 
messenger-boy.  Therefore  I— 

"Bonaparte,  put  the  Judge  in  irons," 
interrupted  Holmes,  sternly.  "I  expect 
to  be  obeyed,  Judge  Blackstone,  whether 
you  shipped  as  a  Lord  Chief-Justice  or  a 
state  -  room  steward.  When  I  issue  an 
order  it  must  be  obeyed.  Step  lively 
there,  Bonaparte.  Get  his  honor  ironed 
and  summon  your  marines.  We  may 
have  work  to  do  before  night.  Hamlet, 
pipe  Captain  Cook  on  deck." 

"Aye,  aye,  sir,"  replied  Hamlet,  with 
alacrity,  as  he  made  off. 

"  That's  the  way  to  obey  orders,"  said 
Holmes,  with  a  scornful  glance  at  Black- 
stone. 

"I  was  only  jesting,  Captain,"  said  the 
latter,  paling  somewhat. 

"  That's  all  right,"  said  Holmes,  taking 
up  his  glass  again.  "So  was  I  when  I 
ordered  you  in  irons,  and  in  order  that 
you  may  appreciate  the  full  force  of  the 


174        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

joke  I  repeat  it.  Bonaparte,  do  your 
duty." 

In  an  instant  the  order  was  obeyed, 
and  the  unhappy  Judge  shortly  found 
himself  manacled  and  alone  in  the  fore 
castle.  Meanwhile  Captain  Cook,  in  re 
sponse  to  the  commander's  order,  re 
paired  to  the  deck  and  scanned  the 
distant  coast. 

"  I  can't  place  it,"  he  said.  ' '  It  can't 
be  Monte  Cristo,  can  it  ?" 

"  No,  it  can't,"  said  the  Count,  who 
stood  hard  by.  "  My  island  was  in  the 
Mediterranean,  and  even  if  it  dragged 
anchor  it  couldn't  have  got  out  through 
the  Strait  of  Gibraltar." 

"  Perhaps  it's  Robinson  Crusoe's  isl 
and,"  suggested  Doctor  Johnson. 

"  Not  it,"  observed  De  Foe.  "  If  it  is, 
the  rest  of  you  will  please  keep  off.  It's 
mine,  and  I  may  want  to  use  it  again.  I've 
been  having  a  number  of  interviews  with 
Crusoe  latterly,  and  he's  given  me  a  lot  of 
new  points,  which  I  intend  incorporating 
in  a  sequel  for  the  Cimmerian  Magazine." 


MAROONED  175 

' '  "Well,  in  the  name  of  Atlas,  what  isl 
and  is  it,  then  ?"  roared  Holmes,  angrily. 
"What  is  the  matter  with  all  you  learned 
lubbers  that  I  have  brought  along  on  this 
trip  ?  Do  you  suppose  I've  brought  you 
to  whistle  up  favorable  winds  ?  Not  by 
the  beard  of  the  Prophet !  I  brought 
you  to  give  me  information,  and  now 
when  I  ask  for  the  name  of  a  simple  little 
island  like  that  in  plain  sight  there's  not 
one  of  you  able  so  much  as  to  guess  at  it 
reasonably.  The  next  man  I  ask  for  in 
formation  goes  into  irons  with  Judge 
Blackstone  if  he  doesn't  answer  me  in 
stantly  with  the  information  I  want. 
Munchausen,  what  island  is  that  ?" 

"Ahem!  that?"  replied  Munchausen, 
trembling,  as  he  reflected  upon  the  Cap 
tain's  threat.  "  What  ?  Nobody  knows 
what  island  that  is  ?  Why,  you  surprise 
me—" 

"See  here,  Baron,"  retorted  Holmes, 
menacingly,  "I  ask  you  a  plain  ques 
tion,  and  I  want  a  plain  answer,  with 
no  evasions  to  gain  time.  Now  it's 


176        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

irons  or  an  answer.  What  island  is 
that  ?" 

"  It's  an  island  that  doesn't  appear  on 
any  chart,  Captain/'  Munchausen  re 
sponded  instantly,  pulling  himself  to 
gether  for  a  mighty  effort,  "and  it  has 
never  been  given  a  name ;  but  as  you  in 
sist  upon  having  one,  we'll  call  it  Holmes 
Island,  in  your  honor.  It  is  not  station 
ary.  It  is  a  floating  island  of  lava  for 
mation,  and  is  a  menace  to  every  craft 
that  goes  to  sea.  I  spent  a  year  of  my 
life  upon  it  once,  and  it  is  more  barren 
than  the  desert  of  Sahara,  because  you 
cannot  raise  even  sand  upon  it,  and  it  is 
devoid  of  water  of  any  sort,  salt  or  fresh." 

"  What  did  you  live  on  during  that 
year  ?"  asked  Holmes,  eying  him  nar 
rowly. 

"  Canned  food  from  wrecks,"  replied 
the  Baron,  feeling  much  easier  now  that 
he  had  got  a  fair  start — ' '  canned  food 
from  wrecks,  commander.  There  is  a 
magnetic  property  in  the  upper  stratum 
of  this  piece  of  derelict  real  estate,  sir, 


MAROONED  177 

which  attracts  to  it  every  bit  of  canned 
substance  that  is  lost  overboard  in  all 
parts  of  the  world.  A  ship  is  wrecked, 
say,  in  the  Pacific  Ocean,  and  ultimately 
all  the  loose  metal  upon  her  will  succumb 
to  the  irresistible  attraction  of  this  mag 
netic  upper  stratum,  and  will  find  its  way 
to  its  shores.  So  in  any  other  part  of  the 
earth.  Everything  metallic  turns  up 
here  sooner  or  later  ;  and  when  you  con 
sider  that  thousands  of  vessels  go  down 
every  year,  vessels  which  are  provisioned 
with  tinned  foods  only,  you  will  begin  to 
comprehend  how  many  millions  of  pounds 
of  preserved  salmon,  sardines,  pdte  defoie 
gras,  peaches,  and  so  on,  can  be  found 
strewn  along  its  coast." 

"  Munchausen,"  said  Holmes,  smiling, 
"  by  the  blush  upon  your  cheek,  coupled 
with  an  occasional  uneasy  glance  of  the 
eye,  I  know  that  for  once  you  are  stand 
ing  upon  the,  to  you,  unfamiliar  ground 
of  truth,  and  I  admire  you  for  it.  There 
is  nothing  to  be  ashamed  of  in  telling  the 

truth  occasionally.     You  are  a  man  after 
12 


178        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

my  own  heart.  Come  below  and  have  a 
cocktail.  Captain  Cook,  take  command 
of  the  Gehenna  during  my  absence  ;  head 
her  straight  for  Holmes  Island,  and  when 
yon  discover  anything  new  let  me  know. 
Bonaparte,  in  honor  of  Munchausen's  re 
markable  genins  I  proclaim  general  am 
nesty  to  our  prisoners,  and  you  may  re 
lease  Blackstone  from  his  dilemma ;  and 
if  you  have  any  tin  soldiers  among  your 
marines,  see  that  they  are  lashed  to  the 
rigging.  I  don't  want  this  electric  island 
of  the  Baron's  to  get  a  grip  upon  my 
military  force  at  this  juncture." 

With  this  Holmes,  followed  by  Mun- 
chausen,  went  below,  and  the  two  worthies 
were  soon  deep  in  the  mysteries  of  a  phan 
tom  cocktail,  while  Doctor  Johnson  and 
De  Foe  gazed  mournfully  out  over  the 
ocean  at  the  floating  island. 

"  De  Foe,"  said  Johnson,  "  that  ought 
to  be  a  lesson  to  you.  This  realism 
that  you  tie  up  to  is  all  right  when  you 
are  alone  with  your  conscience ;  but 
when  there  are  great  things  afoot,  an  irn- 


"  '  THAT    OUGHT    TO    HE    A    LESSON    TO    YOU '  " 


MAROONED  179 

agination  and  a  broad  view  as  to  the 
limitations  of  truth  aren't  at  all  bad. 
Yon  or  I  might  now  be  drinking  that 
cocktail  with  Holmes  if  we'd  only  risen 
to  the  opportunity  the  way  Munchausen 
did." 

"That  is  true,"  said  De  Foe,  sadly. 
"But  I  didn't  suppose  he  wanted  that 
kind  of  information.  I  could  have  spun 
a  better  yarn  than  that  of  Munchausen's 
with  my  eyes  shut.  I  supposed  he  wanted 
truth,  and  I  gave  it." 

"  I'd  like  to  know  what  has  become  of 
the  House-boat,"  said  Ealeigh,  anxiously 
gazing  through  the  glass  at  the  island. 
"  I  can  see  old  Henry  Morgan  sitting  down 
there  on  the  rocks  with  his  elbows  on  his 
knees  and  his  chin  in  his  hands,  and  Kidd 
and  Abeuchapeta  are  standing  back  of 
him,  yelling  like  mad,  but  there  isn't  a 
boat  in  sight." 

"Who  is  that  man,  off  to  the  right, 
dancing  a  fandango  ?"  asked  Johnson. 

"  It  looks  like  Conrad,  but  I  can't  tell. 
He  appears  to  have  gone  crazy.  He's  got 


180       THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

that  wild  look  on  his  face  which  betokens 
insanity.  We'll  have  to  be  careful  in 
our  parleyings  with  these  people,"  said 
Raleigh. 

"  Anything  new  ?"  asked  Holmes,  re 
turning  to  the  deck,  smacking  his  lips  in 
enjoyment  of  the  cocktail. 

"  No — except  that  we  are  almost  within 
hailing  distance/'  said  Cook. 

"  Then  give  orders  to  cast  anchor,"  ob 
served  Holmes.  "  Bonaparte,  take  a  crew 
of  picked  men  ashore  and  bring  those 
pirates  aboard.  Take  the  three  musketeers 
with  you,  and  don't  let  Kidd  or  Morgan 
give  you  any  back  talk.  If  they  try  any 
funny  business,  exorcise  them/' 

"  Aye,  aye,  sir,"  replied  Bonaparte,  and 
in  a  moment  a  boat  had  been  lowered  and 
a  sturdy  crew  of  sailors  were  pulling  for 
the  shore.  As  they  came  within  ten  feet 
of  it  the  pirates  made  a  mad  dash  down 
the  rough,  rocky  hillside  and  clamored  to 
be  saved. 

"What's  happened  to  you  ?"  cried  Bona 
parte,  ordering  the  sailors  to  back  water, 


MAROONED  181 

lest  the  pirates  should  too  hastily  board 
the  boat  and  swamp  her. 

"We  are  marooned,"  replied  Kidd, 
"and  on  an  island  of  a  volcanic  nature. 
There  isn't  a  square  inch  of  it  that  isn't 
heated  up  to  125  degrees,  and  seventeen 
of  us  have  already  evaporated.  Conrad 
has  lost  his  reason  ;  Abeuchapeta  has  be 
come  so  tenuous  that  a  child  can  see 
through  him.  As  for  myself,  I  am  grow 
ing  iridescent  with  anxiety,  and  unless 
I  get  off  this  infernal  furnace  I'll  dis 
appear  like  a  soap-bubble.  For  Heav 
en's  sake,  then,  General,  take  us  off, 
on  your  own  terms.  We'll  accept  any 
thing." 

As  if  in  confirmation  of  Kidd's  words, 
six  of  the  pirate  crew  collapsed  and  dis 
appeared  into  thin  air,  and  a  glance  at 
Abeuchapeta  was  proof  enough  of  his  con 
dition.  He  had  become  as  clear  as  crystal, 
and  had  it  not  been  for  his  rugged  outlines 
he  would  hardly  have  been  visible  even  to 
his  fellow-spirits.  As  for  Kidd,  he  had 
taken  on  the  aspect  of  a  rainbow,  and  it 


182        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

was  patent  that  his  fears  for  himself  were 
all  too  well  founded. 

Bonaparte  embarked  the  leaders  of  the 
band  first,  returning  subsequently  for  the 
others,  and  repaired  with  them  at  once  to 
the  Gehenna,  where  they  were  ushered 
into  the  presence  of  Sherlock  Holmes. 
The  first  question  he  asked  was  as  to  the 
whereabouts  of  the  House-boat. 

"  That  we  do  not  know/'  replied  Kidd, 
mournfully,  gazing  downward  at  the  wreck 
of  his  former  self.  "  We  came  ashore,  sir, 
early  yesterday  morning,  in  search  of  food. 
It  appears  that  when — acting  in  a  wholly 
inexcusable  fashion,  and  influenced,  I  con 
fess  it,  by  motives  of  revenge — I  made  off 
with  your  club-house,  I  neglected  to  as 
certain  if  it  were  well  stocked  with  provi 
sions,  a  fatal  error ;  for  when  we  endeav 
ored  to  get  supper  we  discovered  that  the 
larder  contained  but  half  a  bottle  of  farcie 
olives,  two  salted  almonds,  and  a  soda 
cracker — not  a  luxurious  feast  for  sixty- 
nine  pirates  and  a  hundred  and  eighty- 
three  women  to  sit  down  to." 


MAROONED  183 

"That's  all  nonsense,"  said  Demos 
thenes.  "  The  House  Committee  had  pro 
vided  enough  supper  for  six  hundred  peo 
ple,  in  anticipation  of  the  appetite  of 
the  members  on  their  return  from  the 
fight." 

"Of  course  they  did,"  said  Confucius; 
"and  it  was  a  good  one,  too — salads,  sal 
mon  glace,  lobsters — every  blessed  thing 
a  man  can't  get  at  home  we  had  ;  and  what 
is  more,  they'd  been  delivered  on  board.  I 
saw  to  that  before  I  went  up  the  river." 

"  Then,"  moaned  Kidd,  "it  is  as  I  sus 
pected.  We  were  the  victims  of  base 
treachery  on  the  part  of  those  women." 

"  Treachery  ?  Well,  I  like  that.  Call 
it  reciprocity,"  said  Hamlet,  dryly. 

"We  were  informed  by  the  ladies  that 
there  was  nothing  for  supper  save  the 
items  I  have  already  referred  to,"  said 
Kidd.  "  I  see  it  ail  now.  We  had  tried 
to  make  them  comfortable,  and  I  put  my 
self  to  some  considerable  personal  incon 
venience  to  make  them  easy  in  their  minds, 
but  they  were  ungrateful," 


184         THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"Whatever  induced  you  to  take  'em 
along  with  you  ?"  asked  Socrates. 

"  We  didn't  want  them/'  said  Kidd. 
"  We  didn't  know  they  were  on  board  un 
til  it  was  too  late  to  turn  back.  They'd 
broken  in,  and  were  having  the  club  all  to 
themselves  in  your  absence." 

"It  served  you  good  and  right,"  said 
Socrates,  with  a  laugh.  "  Next  time  you 
try  to  take  things  that  don't  belong  to  you, 
maybe  you'll  be  a  trifle  more  careful  as  to 
whose  property  you  confiscate." 

"  But  the  House-boat — you  haven't  told 
us  how  you  lost  her,"  put  in  Raleigh,  im 
patiently. 

"Well,  it  was  this  way,"  said  Kidd. 
"  When,  in  response  to  our  polite  request 
for  supper,  the  ladies  said  there  was  noth 
ing  to  eat  on  board,  something  had  to  be 
done,  for  we  were  all  as  hungry  as  bears, 
and  we  decided  to  go  ashore  at  the  first 
port  and  provision.  Unfortunately  the 
crew  got  restive,  and  when  this  floating 
frying-pan  loomed  into  view,  to  keep  them 
good-natured  we  decided  to  land  and  see 


MAROONED  186 

if  we  could  beg,  borrow,  or  steal  some  sup 
plies.  We  had  to.  Observations  taken 
with  the  sextant  showed  that  there  was  no 
port  within  five  hundred  miles  ;  the  island 
looked  as  if  it  might  be  inhabited  at  least 
by  goats,  and  ashore  we  went,  every  man  of 
us,  leaving  the  House-boat  safely  anchored 
in  the  harbor.  At  first  we  didn't  mind  the 
heat,  and  we  hunted  and  hunted  and  hunt 
ed  ;  but  after  three  or  four  hours  I  began  to 
notice  that  three  of  my  sailors  were  shrivel 
ling  up,  and  Conrad  began  to  act  as  if  he 
were  daft.  Hawkins  burst  right  before  my 
eyes.  Then  Abeuchapeta  got  prismatic 
around  the  eyes  and  began  to  fade,  and  I 
noticed  a  slight  iridescence  about  myself ; 
and  as  for  Morgan,  he  had  the  misfortune 
to  lie  down  to  take  a  nap  in  the  sun,  and 
when  he  waked  up,  his  whole  right  side 
had  evaporated.  Then  we  saw  what  the 
trouble  was.  We'd  struck  this  lava  island, 
and  were  gradually  succumbing  to  its  in 
tense  heat.  We  rushed  madly  back  to  the 
harbor  to  embark  ;  and  our  ship,  gentle 
men,  and  your  House-boat,  was  slowly  but 


186        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

surely  disappearing  over  the  horizon,  and 
flying  from  the  flag-staff  at  the  fore  were 
signals  of  farewell,  with  an  unfeeling  P.  S. 
below  to  this  effect :  'Don't  wait  up  for 
us.  We  may  not  be  back  until  late."' 

There  was  a  pause,  during  which  Soc 
rates  laughed  quietly  to  himself,  while 
Abeuchapeta  and  the  one-sided  Morgan 
wept  silently. 

"  That,  gentlemen  of  the  Associated 
Shades,  is  all  I  know  of  the  whereabouts 
of  the  House -boat,"  continued  Captain 
Kidd.  "  I  have  no  doubt  that  the  ladies 
practised  a  deception,  to  our  discomfit 
ure,  and  I  must  say  that  I  think  it  was 
exceedingly  clever — granting  that  it  was 
desirable  to  be  rid  of  us,  which  I  don't, 
for  we  meant  well  by  them,  and  they 
would  have  enjoyed  themselves." 

"But,"  cried  Hamlet,  "may  they  not 
now  be  in  peril  ?  They  cannot  navigate 
that  ship." 

"They  got  her  out  of  the  harbor  all 
right,"  said  Kidd.  "And  I  judged  from 
the  figure  at  the  helm  that  Mrs.  Noah  had 


MAROONED  187 

taken  charge.  What  kind  of  a  seaman 
she  is  I  don't  know." 

"Almighty  bad/'  ejaculated  Shem,  turn 
ing  pale.  "It  was  she  who  ran  us  ashore 
on  Ararat." 

"  "Well,  wasn't  that  what  you  wanted  ?" 
queried  Munchausen. 

"What  we  wanted!"  cried  Shem.  "Well, 
I  guess  not.  You  don't  want  your  yacht 
stranded  on  a  mountain-top,  do  you  ?  She 
was  a  dead  loss  there,  whereas  if  mother 
hadn't  been  in  such  a  hurry  to  get  ashore, 
we  could  have  waited  a  month  and  landed 
on  the  seaboard." 

"  You  might  have  turned  her  into 
a  summer  hotel,"  suggested  Munchau 
sen. 

"Well,  we  must  up  anchor  and  away," 
said  Holmes.  "  Our  pursuit  has  merely 
begun,  apparently.  We  must  overtake 
this  vessel,  and  the  question  to  be  answer 
ed  is — where  ?" 

"  That's  easy,"  said  Artemus  Ward. 
"  From  what  Shem  says,  I  think  we'd  bet 
ter  look  for  her  in  the  Himalayas." 


188        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

"  And,  meanwhile,  what  shall  be  done 
with  Kidd  ?"  asked  Holmes. 

"  He  ought  to  be  expelled  from  the 
club,"  said  Johnson. 

"  We  can't  expel  him,  because  he's  not 
a  member/'  replied  Raleigh. 

"  Then  elect  him/'  suggested  "Ward. 

"What  on  earth  for?"  growled  John 
son. 

"  So  that  we  can  expel  him/''  said  Ward. 

And  while  Boswell's  hero  was  trying  to 
get  the  value  of  this  notion  through  his 
head,  the  others  repaired  to  the  deck,  and 
the  Gehenna  was  soon  under  way  once 
more.  Meanwhile  Captain  Kidd  and  his 
fellows  were  put  in  irons  and  stowed  away 
in  the  forecastle,  alongside  of  the  water- 
cask  in  which  Shylock  lay  in  hiding. 


XII 

THE   ESCAPE   AND  THE   END 

IF  there  was  anxiety  on  board  of  the 
Gehenna  as  to  the  condition  and  where 
abouts  of  the  House-boat,  there  was  by  no 
means  less  uneasiness  upon  that  vessel  it 
self.  Cleopatra's  scheme  for  ridding  her 
self  and  her  abducted  sisters  of  the  pirates 
had  worked  to  a  charm,  but,  having  worked 
thus,  a  new  and  hitherto  undreamed-of 
problem,  full  of  perplexities  bearing  upon 
their  immediate  safety,  now  confronted 
them.  The  sole  representative  of  a  sea 
faring  family  on  board  was  Mrs.  Noah, 
and  it  did  not  require  much  time  to  see 
that  her  knowledge  as  to  navigation  was 
of  an  extremely  primitive  order,  limited 
indeed  to  the  science  of  floating. 

When  the  last  pirate  had  disappeared 


190        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

behind  the  rocks  of  Holmes  Island,  and 
all  was  in  readiness  for  action,  the  good 
old  lady,  who  had  hitherto  been  as  calm 
and  unruffled  as  a  child,  began  to  get  red 
in  the  face  and  to  bustle  about  in  a  man 
ner  which  betrayed  considerable  pertur 
bation  of  spirit. 

"Now,  Mrs.  Noah,"  said  Cleopatra,  as, 
peeping  out  from  the  billiard- room  win 
dow,  she  saw  Morgan  disappearing  in  the 
distance,  "  the  coast  is  clear,  and  I  resign 
my  position  of  chairman  to  you.  We 
place  the  vessel  in  your  hands,  and  our 
selves  subject  to  your  orders.  You  are  in 
command.  What  do  yon  wish  us  to  do  ?" 

"Very  well,"  replied  Mrs.  Noah,  put 
ting  down  her  knitting  and  starting  for 
the  deck.  "  I'm  not  certain,  but  I  think 
the  first  thing  to  do  is  to  get  her  mov 
ing.  Do  you  know,  I've  never  discovered 
whether  this  boat  is  a  steamboat  or  a 
sailing-vessel  ?  Does  anybody  know  ?" 

"  I  think  it  has  a  naphtha  tank  and  a 
propeller,"  said  Elizabeth,  "although  I 
don't  know.  It  seems  to  me  my  broth- 


THE  ESCAPE  AND  THE  END       191 

er  Kaleigh  told  me  they'd  had  a  naphtha 
engine  put  in  last  winter  after  the  freshet, 
when  the  House-boat  was  carried  ten 
miles  down  the  river,  and  had  to  be  towed 
back  at  enormous  expense.  They  put  it  in 
so  that  if  she  were  carried  away  again  she 
could  get  back  of  her  own  power." 

"That's  unfortunate,"  said  Mrs.  Noah, 
"because  I  don't  know  anything  about 
these  new  fangled  notions.  If  there's  any 
one  here  who  knows  anything  about 
naphtha  engines,  I  wish  they'd  speak." 

"  I'm  of  the  opinion,"  said  Portia,  "that 
I  can  study  out  the  theory  of  it  in  a  short 
while." 

"  Very  well,  then,"  said  Mrs.  Noah, 
"  you  can  do  it.  I'll  appoint  you  en 
gineer,  and  give  you  all  your  orders  now, 
right  away,  in  advance.  Set  her  going  and 
keep  her  going,  and  don't  stop  without  a 
written  order  signed  by  me.  We  might  as 
well  be  very  careful,  and  have  everything 
done  properly,  and  it  might  happen  that 
in  the  excitement  of  our  trip  you  would 
misunderstand  my  spoken  orders  and 


192        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

make  a  fatal  error.  Therefore,  pay  no 
attention  to  unwritten  orders.  That  will 
do  for  you  for  the  present.  Xanthippe, 
you  may  take  Ophelia  and  Madame  Ite- 
camier,  and  ten  other  ladies,  and,  every 
morning  before  breakfast,  swab  the  lar 
board  deck.  Cassandra,  Tuesdays  you  will 
devote  to  polishing  the  brasses  in  the 
dining-room,  and  the  balance  of  your  time 
I  wish  you  to  expend  in  dusting  the  bric- 
a-brac.  Dido,  you  always  were  strong  at 
building  fires.  Fll  make  you  chief  stoker. 
You  will  also  assist  Lucretia  Borgia  in  the 
kitchen.  Inasmuch  as  the  latter's  maid 
has  neglected  to  supply  her  with  the  usual 
line  of  poisons,  I  think  we  can  safely  en 
trust  to  Lucretia's  hands  the  responsibili 
ties  of  the  culinary  department." 

"  I'm  perfectly  willing  to  do  anything 
I  can,"  said  Lucretia,  "  but  I  must  con 
fess  that  I  don't  approve  of  your  methods 
of  commanding  a  ship.  A  ship's  captain 
isn't  a  domestic  martinet,  as  you  are  set 
ting  out  to  be.  We  didn't  appoint  you 
housekeeper." 


THE  ESCAPE  AND  THE  END        193 

"Now,  my  child,"  said  Mrs.  Noah, 
firmly,  "I  do  not  wish  any  words.  If  I 
hear  any  more  impudence  from  yon,  I'll 
put  you  ashore  without  a  reference ;  and 
the  rest  of  yon.  I  would  warn  in  all  kind 
ness  that  I  will  not  tolerate  insubordina 
tion.  You  may,  all  of  you,  have  one  night 
of  the  week  and  alternate  Sundays  off, 
but  your  work  must  be  done.  The  reg 
imen  I  am  adopting  is  precisely  that  in 
vogue  on  the  Ark,  only  I  didn't  have  the 
help  I  have  now,  and  things  got  into 
very  bad  shape.  We  were  out  forty 
days,  and,  while  the  food  was  poor  and 
the  service  execrable,  we  never  lost  a 
life." 

The  boat  gave  a  slight  tremor. 

"Hurrah, "cried  Elizabeth,  clapping  her 
hands  with  glee,  "  we  are  off !" 

"  I  will  repair  to  the  deck  and  get  our 
bearings,"  said  Mrs.  Noah,  putting  her 
shawl  over  her  shoulders.  "Meantime, 
Cleopatra,  I  appoint  you  first  mate.  See 
that  things  are  tidied  up  a  bit  here  before 
I  return.  Have  the  windows  washed,  and 


194        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

to-morrow  I  want  all  the  rugs  and  carpets 
taken  up  and  shaken." 

Portia  meanwhile  had  discovered  the 
naphtha  engine,  and,  after  experimenting 
several  times  with  the  various  levers  and 
stop-cocks,  had  finally  managed  to  move 
one  of  them  in  such  a  way  as  to  set  the 
engine  going,  and  the  wheel  began  to  re 
volve. 

"Are  we  going  all  right  ?"  she  cried, 
from  below. 

"  I  am  afraid  not,"  said  the  gallant  com 
mander.  "The  wheel  is  roiling  up  the 
water  at  a  great  rate,  but  we  don't  seem 
to  be  going  ahead  very  fast — in  fact,  we're 
simply  moving  round  and  round  as  though 
we  were  on  a  pivot." 

"I'm  afraid  we're  aground  amidships,"' 
said  Xanthippe,  gazing  over  the  side  of 
the  House -boat  anxiously.  "She  cer 
tainly  acts  that  way  —  like  a  merry-go- 
round." 

"Well,  there's  something  wrong,  said 
Mrs.  Noah  ;  "and  we've  got  to  hurry  and 
find  out  what  it  is,  or  those  men  will  be 


THE    ESCAPE    AND    THE    END  196 

back  and  we   shall  be   as   badly  off   as 
ever." 

"  Maybe  this  has  something  to  do  with 
it,"  observed  Mrs.  Lot,  pointing  to  the 
anchor  rope.  "  It  looks  to  me  as  if  those 
horrid  men  had  tied  us  fast." 

"  That's  just  what  it  is,"  snapped  Mrs. 
Noah.  "  They  guessed  our  plan,  and  have 
fastened  us  to  a  pole  or  something,  but  I 
imagine  we  can  untie  it." 

Portia,  who  had  come  on  deck,  gave  a 
short  little  laugh. 

"Why,  of  course  we  don't  move,"  she 
said — ' '  we  are  anchored  !" 

"What's  that?"  queried  Mrs.  Noah. 
"We  never  had  an  experience  like  that 
on  the  Ark." 

Portia  explained  the  science  of  the 
anchor. 

"What  nonsense!"  ejaculated  Mrs. 
Noah.  "  How  can  we  get  away  from  it  ?" 

"We've  got  to  pull  it  up,"  said  Portia. 
"Order  all  hands  on  deck  and  have  it 
pulled  up." 

"  It  can't  be  done,  and,  if  it  could,  I 


196        THE    PURSUIT    OF   THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

wouldn't  have  it !"  said  Mrs.  Noah,  indig 
nantly.  "  The  idea !  Lifting  heavy  pieces 
of  iron,  my  dear  Portia,  is  not  a  woman's 
work.  Send  for  Delilah,  and  let  her  cut 
the  rope  with  her  scissors." 

"  It  would  take  her  a  week  to  cut  a 
hawser  like  that,"  said  Elizabeth,  who  had 
been  investigating.  "  It  would  be  more 
to  the  purpose,  I  think,  to  chop  it  in  two 
with  an  axe." 

"Very  well,"  replied  Mrs.  Noah,  satis 
fied.  "  I  don't  care  how  it  is  done  as  long 
as  it  is  done  quickly.  It  would  never  do 
for  us  to  be  recaptured  now." 

The  suggestion  of  Elizabeth  was  carried 
out,  and  the  queen  herself  cut  the  hawser 
with  six  well-directed  strokes  of  the  axe. 

"You  are  an  P  pert  with  it,  aren't 
you  ?"  smiled  Cleopatra. 

"I  am,  ind^d," replied  Elizabeth,  grim 
ly.  "I  had  it  suspended  over  my  head 
for  so  IOT  g  a  time  before  I  got  to  the 
throne  J,nat  I  couldn't  help  familiarizing 
myseF  with  some  of  its  possibilities." 

"  ih  !"  cried  Mrs.  Noah,  as  the  vessel 


THE    ESCAPE    AND    THE    END  197 

began  to  move.  "I  begin  to  feel  easier. 
It  looks  now  as  if  we  were  really  off." 

"It  seems  to  me,  though,"  said  Cleo 
patra,  gazing  forward,  ' '  that  we  are  going 
backward." 

"  Oh,  well,  what  if  we  are  !"  said  Mrs. 
Noah.  "  We  did  that  on  the  Ark  half  the 
time.  It  doesn't  make  any  difference 
which  way  we  are  going  as  long  as  we  go, 
does  it  ?" 

"Why,  of  course  it  does  !"  cried  Eliza 
beth.  "What  can  you  be  thinking  of? 
People  who  walk  backward  are  in  great 
danger  of  running  into  other  people.  Why 
not  the  same  with  ships  ?  It  seems  to  me, 
it's  a  very  dangerous  piece  of  business,  sail 
ing  backward." 

"  Oh,  nonsense,"  snapped  Mrs.  Noah. 
"You  are  as  timid  as  a  zebra.  During  the 
Flood,  we  sailed  days  and  days  and  days, 
going  backward.  It  didn't  make  a  particle 
of  difference  how  we  went — it  was  as  safe 
one  way  as  another,  and  we  got  just  as  far 
away  in  the  end.  Our  main  object  now  is 
to  get  away  from  the  pirates,  and  that's 


198        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

what  we  are  doing.  Don't  get  emotional, 
Lizzie,  and  remember,  too,  that  I  am  in 
charge.  If  I  think  the  boat  ought  to  go 
sideways,  sideways  she  shall  go.  If  you 
don't  like  it,  it  is  still  not  too  late  to  put 
you  ashore." 

The  threat  calmed  Elizabeth  somewhat, 
and  she  was  satisfied,  and  all  went  well 
with  them,  even  if  Portia  had  started  the 
propeller  revolving  reverse  fashion  ;  so 
that  the  House-boat  was,  as  Elizabeth  had 
said,  backing  her  way  through  the  ocean. 

The  day  passed,  and  by  slow  degrees 
the  island  and  the  marooned  pirates  faded 
from  view,  and  the  night  came  on,  and 
with  it  a  dense  fog. 

"  We're  going  to  have  a  nasty  night,  I 
am  afraid,"  said  Xanthippe,  looking  anx 
iously  out  of  the  port. 

"  No  doubt,"  said  Mrs.  Noah,  pleasant 
ly.  "  I'm  sorry  for  those  who  have  to  be 
out  in  it." 

"  That's  what  I  was  thinking  about," 
observed  Xanthippe.  "  It's  going  to  be 
very  hard  on  us  keeping  watch." 


THE    ESCAPE    AND    THE    END  199 

"Watch  for  what  ?"  demanded  Mrs. 
Noah,  looking  over  the  tops  of  her  glasses 
at  Xanthippe. 

"  Why,  surely  you  are  going  to  have 
lookouts  stationed  on  deck  ?"  said  Eliza 
beth. 

"  Not  at  all,"  said  Mrs.  Noah.  "  Per 
fectly  absurd.  We  never  did  it  on  the 
Ark,  and  it  isn't  necessary  now.  I  want 
you  all  to  go  to  bed  at  ten  o'clock.  I  don't 
think  the  night  air  is  good  for  you.  Be 
sides,  it  isn't  proper  for  a  woman  to  be 
out  after  dark,  whether  she's  new  or  not." 

"But,  my  dear  Mrs.  Noah,"  expostu 
lated  Cleopatra,  "  what  will  become  of 
the  ship  ?" 

"  I  guess  she'll  float  through  the  night 
whether  we  are  on  deck  or  not,"  said  the 
commander.  "  The  Ark  did,  why  not  this  ? 
Now,  girls,  these  new-fangled  yachting 
notions  are  all  nonsense.  It's  night,  and 
there's  a  fog  as  thick  as  a  stone-wall  all 
about  us.  If  there  were  a  hundred  of  you 
upon  deck  with  ten  eyes  apiece,  you 
couldn't  see  anything.  You  might  much 


200        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

better  be  in  bed.  As  your  captain,  chap 
eron,  and  grandmother,  I  command  you 
to  stay  below." 

"  But — who  is  to  steer  ?"  queried  Xan 
thippe. 

"What's  the  use  of  steering  until  we 
can  see  where  to  steer  to  ?"  demanded 
Mrs.  Noah.  "  I  certainly  don't  intend 
to  bother  with  that  tiller  until  some  rea 
son  for  doing  it  arises.  We  haven't  any 
place  to  steer  to  yet ;  we  don't  know  where 
we  are  going.  Now,  my  dear  children, 
be  reasonable,  and  don't  worry  me.  I've 
had  a  very  hard  day  of  it,  and  I  feel  my 
responsibilities  keenly.  Just  let  me  man 
age,  and  we'll  come  out  all  right.  I've  had 
more  experience  than  any  of  you,  and 
if—" 

A  terrible  crash  interrupted  the  old 
lady's  remarks.  The  House-boat  shivered 
and  shook,  careened  way  to  one  side,  and 
as  quickly  righted  and  stood  still.  A  mad 
rush  up  the  gangway  followed,  and  in  a 
moment  a  hundred  and  eighty-three  pale- 
faced,  trembling  women  stood  upon  the 


'  A    GREAT    HELPLESS    HULK   TEN    FEET    TO    THE    RKAK 


THE    ESCAPE    AND    THE    END  201 

deck,  gazing  with  horror  at  a  great  help 
less  hulk  ten  feet  to  the  rear,  fastened  by 
broken  ropes  and  odd  pieces  of  rigging 
to  the  stern-posts  of  the  House-boat,  sink 
ing  slowly  but  surely  into  the  sea. 

It  was  the  Gehenna  ! 

The  House-boat  had  run  her  down  and 
her  last  hour  had  come,  but,  thanks  to 
the  stanchness  of  her  build  and  wonder 
ful  beam,  the  floating  club-house  had 
withstood  the  shock  of  the  impact  and 
now  rode  the  waters  as  gracefully  as 
ever. 

Portia  was  the  first  to  realize  the  extent 
of  the  catastrophe,  and  in  a  short  while 
chairs  and  life-preservers  and  tables — 
everything  that  could  float — had  been 
tossed  into  the  sea  to  the  struggling  im 
mortals  therein.  On  board  the  Gehenna, 
those  who  had  not  cast  themselves  into 
the  waters,  under  the  cool  direction  of 
Holmes  and  Bonaparte,  calmly  lowered  the 
boats,  and  in  a  short  while  were  not  only 
able  to  felicitate  themselves  upon  their 
safety,  but  had  likewise  the  good  fortune 


202        THE    PURSUIT    OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

to  rescue  their  more  impetuous  brethren 
who  had  preferred  to  swim  for  it.  Ulti 
mately,  all  were  brought  aboard  the 
House -boat  in  safety,  and  the  men  in 
Hades  were  once  more  reunited  to 
their  wives,  daughters,  sisters,  and  fian 
cees,  and  Elizabeth  had  the  satisfaction 
of  once  more  saving  the  life  of  Raleigh 
by  throwing  him  her  ruff  as  she  had  done 
a  year  or  so  previously,  when  she  and  her 
brother  had  been  upset  in  the  swift  cur 
rent  of  the  river  Styx. 

Order  and  happiness  being  restored, 
Holmes  took  command  of  the  House 
boat  and  soon  navigated  her  safely  back 
into  her  old-time  berth.  The  Gehenna 
went  to  the  bottom  and  was  never  seen 
again,  and  when  the  roll  was  called  it 
was  found  that  all  who  had  set  out  upon 
her  had  returned  in  safety  save  Shylock, 
Kidd,  Sir  Henry  Morgan,  and  Abeuchape- 
ta  ;  but  even  they  were  not  lost,  for,  five 
weeks  later,  these  four  worthies  were 
found  early  one  morning  drifting  slowly 
up  the  river  Styx,  gazing  anxiously  out 


THE    ESCAPE    AND    THE    END  203 

from  the  top  of  a  water-cask  and  yelling 
lustily  for  help. 

And  here  endeth  the  chronicle  of  the 
pursuit  of  the  good  old  House  -  boat. 
Back  to  her  moorings,  the  even  tenor  of 
her  ways  was  once  more  resumed,  but 
with  one  slight  difference. 

The  ladies  became  eligible  for  member 
ship,  and,  availing  themselves  of  the  privi 
lege,  began  to  think  less  and  less  of  the 
advantages  of  being  men  and  to  rejoice 
that,  after  all,  they  were  women  ;  and  even 
Xanthippe  and  Socrates,  after  that  night 
of  peril,  reconciled  their  differences,  and 
no  longer  quarrel  as  to  which  is  the  more 
entitled  to  wear  the  toga  of  authority. 
It  has  become  for  them  a  divided  skirt. 

As  for  Kidd  and  his  fellows,  they  have 
never  recovered  from  the  effects  of  their 
fearful,  though  short,  exile  upon  Holmes 
Island,  and  are  but  shadows  of  their 
former  shades ;  whereas  Mr.  Sherlock 
Holmes  has  so  endeared  himself  to  his 
new  -  found  friends  that  he  is  quite  as 
popular  with  them  as  he  is  with  us,  who 


204        THE    PURSUIT   OF    THE    HOUSE-BOAT 

have  yet  to  cross  the  dark  river  and  be 
subjected  to  the  scrutiny  of  the  Commit 
tee  on  Membership  at  the  House-boat  on 
the  Styx. 

Even  Hawkshaw  has  been  able  to  de 
tect  his  genius. 


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